Sunday, October 23, 2011

Wishing other

I am so sick of being negative all the time in posts but I don't trust writing anything other then the bad and ugly and I know if I do,what Im writing won't really mean much because an hr later the idiot will mess up again.
The newest thing is the lack of communication. We use to be the best at it. I use to brag and smile thinking about what I had. Now I just want him to die so I can move on. Harsh I know. He either walks away,drives away or never actually listens. He use to let what you were saying set in and he would never let things go to far or walk away or anything. He use to register what you were saying,say what he wanted,work it out then we were fine. Now there is nothing that goes into his brain and registers. NOTHING. Example if he thought I was being obnoxious and I explained to him why or that I didn't mean to be that this is maybe why he thought that or what I really met or what not he would straighten his tone out and understand,he might complain one more time or say something else but then it was fixed or ignored/dropped. He actually use to drop things. Now nope not unless hes high. 
I am a domestic person. Working is not for me. Not unless I could find just the right thing.  If I had the support that most people have Joe and I would have divorced 2 years ago. Or I would scare him,leave one night hes at work. But one wants to even talk to me about things.
Its the little things but its the little things I always said I would find in a guy that make me happy. He has to do and mean what he says. Believe in hard work. Be grateful. Think rational. Be the best of the best dad. Not lie. Be loyal.  And want better.

He blames everyone. He never stops to realize he has changed and so has the relationship between us.

Another thing that I finally just told him lastnight was when we fight or not even fight if maybe something is just off or we are just not seeing eye to eye it would be nice if he didn't throw me into the parent den....Sometimes I need to sit in the truck with music or have time to myself or leave. I can't always be the best parent when I have so many emotions running through me. But like right now his phone is off and hes gone even though today is half over,his kids need food and to get out of the house and here I am throwing shit at walls trying not to completely go psycho because he makes me have to be the parent all the time and he never has to be the parent and when he is he sucks ass at it. I left him alone with them Sunday and my house was a mess,kids got into things they shouldnt have,he never played with them,their meal was horrible,they hadn't had dinner yet....He was all about himself yet he gets to do that all the time. He gets to have real convos with people without watching and yelling at kids. He gets alone time 24/7.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Slapped in the face

Yea I realize most my posts are pretty down in the dumps but if I didn't write....I know I would be in jail.

I was already to brag about things with Joe AND bam he does something to ooo wait for it wait for it...hurt me. He put his phone on FB so he can use his phone on there. Not a big deal if you have never tried cheating,have cheated or lied about things dealing with the opposite sex on fb....ALSO his mother bitched about the bill being high because of the use of the web so I ME ME ME has been NOT even touching the web on my phone and here he is hooking up his fb to it. Checks the weather on it and god knows what else BUT BUT hes trying to save money and get us a house. GEE how ya gonna do that if you rack your bill up and your mom demands money WHICH she has the right to do! UGH yet his family dislikes me? WHY cuz I dont flippin' take crap. I won't be stepped all over, I am not gonna spoil a man who has treated me like a maid for 4 yrs. DONT get me wrong I only feel like just the maid when he is messing up. Which sadly is about twice a week. I stay because hes young there is so much potential and hope and I know pretty well how to deal with my emotions so hes not killing me inside or what ever all that sappy crap is.  But if someone does not wake him up soon he will lose everything. Hes already lost his dignity and his pride and a lot of people respect. What he says means nothing to anyone because he never can keep what he says. I was suppose to be in a house 2 yrs ago...BUT nope. He learns but he forgets and does not care to quickly.

He has no one but me telling him that what he is doing is shameful to his name and to his family. Period.

Monday, October 3, 2011

In my head

I want to get one thing straight before you read this.... I cherish family. I love my family. I am a strong person on most days. I try really hard to respect people. 
Lets begin....
I am having a really hard time connecting with my mom lately. I always took what hurt and would laugh about it...Recently I have felt very fake and very torn. I feel like I am missing relationships with other family members because of her. Not because she is one sided or because she is cruel. My mom is a very beautiful person she just forgets to follow her own words of wisdom. She always taught me and my siblings to never be selfish. I have handed down most of my stuff to my nieces and nephew, I would bend over for them. and vice versa with my sister and my kids. She buys them exactly what they want like she can read their minds.  My sister and I are not as close as we should be..and for years I never really understood why...then I needed her less then a month ago as my life became a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions. She told me exactly what I needed to hear and I took a piece of her advice and laid down some ground rules for my life,including stepping up and finding my passion to make it a job so I had my own income. I laid down rules with my husband. I suggested moving,in-which he was all for. I told my mother nothing of the conversation. I let her words linger for days before allowing my family to come back together,my husband was then let back into our lives... So where is the problem? Where am I going with this? Before my sister and our conversation on the phone that lovely night....I felt pressure from my mom to get the hell out of her house...I needed her the most right then and there....I needed to feel like I was not a burden or the dumbest person on the face of the earth for marrying this new yorker who before we got married was the light of everyones eye. He adored my family in a normal healthy way. He suggested anything to help anyone. But again thats not the point...I just needed to feel a certain way to accomplish what I needed to get done. I needed to hear that people make mistakes. My mom always made me out to be the perfect child...when really I am a cutter, I am a smoker, I am a speeder,I spend too much, I am afraid of people, I stay online to much, I don't call my family enough, I don't say I love you enough, I lie, I pretend to be happy when I am not... Now when I say happy I am for the most part. I am thankful for a lot of my life. But one thing missing, my sister warned me about...and I didn't get it then but I do now. Mom has a funny way of showing you she loves you..... she has a way of making you feel like trash that has just been thrown into the dumpster. 
These things have come from my moms mouth recently... Causing me to relapse with cutting. I am typing this so that if anyone else feels the way I do, you know your not alone. I don't want phone calls or sympathy. A cutter will move on with time. I am not suicidal in the slightest. I live for my family.  Here are the quotes straight from my mom. "Your kids are so annoying,there is no break between them getting into things." "at 7 I just want my down time thats why I told her(Me) that she can't come back to my house every fight with Joe"  "you better work it out because your not calling me again to come get you"... Those are the three that I can't quite let go of. I love her very much but she helps so little. I don't want her money. I just want her kind words. Or her ability to spread the word about my photography to help me build something bigger and better for myself. I want to know I have somewhere to go if I need too. Yes I work out but nonetheless Joe is bigger then me and has more friends then me. He has no anxiety. He knows no emotion. He does when hes normal. But when he switches out of that character....hes a beast that I can't fight alone. Its a battle worth fighting I  decided that Sunday... My marriage is the best when its normal. And Joe is normal. Yesterday we had a parade to go too in Mass. Family was going to be there, my bestie was there...and I stood there in person but not in mind.... My husband did fine...he was sweet, he made people laugh...thats the guy I married...He was himself without the bipolar,without the friends that back him up....with out the devil on his shoulder.  Hes been acting this way for awhile now,and its been very nice.... But today he let the devil in again. Was it something bad no....but it was something he had promised not to do....I would handle it all better if I knew I could pick up the phone and bitch and whine and complain about him and the situation to someone. And my sister would listen...I know that. But its not her problem she has a life, my mom has a very little one so she could offer an ear easier...and the last time I tried to bitch and by bitch I mean I was laughing and just making jokes about what was going on she said to me "ha, you two are something else" she never even asked any questions or listened to anything else I had to say. She didn't ask those deeper questions that you should pull out of someone if you know they are upset... All it was today was porn. Porn is not a huge issue with him anymore so this time shouldn't have been a big deal...but because of the circumstances he couldn't have picked a worse time to mess up. I was proud of yesterday, theres things happening in our private life that are fun and just a blast...I was doing something for him when he went to the porn....and on Friday I had a break down about my he knew that I was not yet healthy about myself yet....also him saying to me "Your so hot" as I stand there in sweat pants and long sleeve then go to porn didn't help. Maybe I am oversensitive...but you go from 110 lbs to 139 lbs...Not a big jump but when you live to weight lift and to be fit....thats a big jump..its a big jump when you really only had your body to impress someone with... I am Hillary and I use to cheat on every bf I had... I use to seek attention the wrong way. People assumed I was seeking it through my cutting when really i was seeking it in men. I still don't say I love you to my husband...because to me love is nothing...I always turned and burned after an encounter with a longest relationship was 11mos I believe....shows you I never liked sticking around for people to see my emotional side or anything. I didn't show much of anything but anger and sex during most relationships. I knew the guy though, through and through before hitting the sheets...but it was still very meaningless. I met Joe in 2007... He was that macho guy that I had been craving. That guy that my secrets didn't seem so bad when told.... I do love him as hard as it is to even say that word... I know he can be a good guy. His grandfather was near perfection...I see hope.  I know its not all him. But I want to know that I can shower, or be out of the room and him not need porn. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own home... I don't ask for much. I just thought for 23yrs my mom was something shes not. My sister wins again. She knew. She warned. DONT GET ME WRONG! My sister loves my mom and would never hurt her in any way...just she knew that feeling of not being loved....I believed her I just didn't believe that my mom was the number one cause....But duh... I needed help before I got into kindergarten with my anxiety and nothing.... I needed help in school...and nothing... I needed help with addictions...and nothing... I craved men...she never noticed...I stayed out over questions were asked....I cried in my room for hrs...I went days without eating and no one came up those stairs....I should have gotten it.  I first started seeing it in the 8th grade... the teacher at the time was being a real ass and held me back saying I had to much work to get caught up....yet when summer school came around it was only in math and I was done in 4 weeks and that was only going twice a week...It was all a lie...He didn't like me for my attitude and who I was...No one fought for me.... No one told him that what he was doing was wrong. July of 2000 and something I snapped for the first time in front of a teacher....Mr howes was teaching me and only me that was the deal of summer school....and he pushed me too far...I snapped so bad he walked out of the school....1 week later he came back to talk to me and for the first time I felt emotional in front of someone...up till that day I showed no one and I do mean no one my tears...first time I felt like someone noticed I was not okay....I went to my room after our talk and painted my room blood red.... It was the start of something even worse. I became a more sneaky...bigger liar... Then in the 9th grade I found out there was no money for me to go to college...and I stopped caring... I have shared this with no all are the first... I hid behind black and my muscle. I use to walk all over Bennington and fear nothing.... I pushed to the ground and held down a 260lb guy....who hurt my best friends heart at the time.... I cared about nothing more then in the moment.  Who I am today is not really that different. My kids saved me. Joe saved me for the longest time from cutting. He was helpful and caring.  He still can be. He still is most the time.  But again...this is not where I am going... I never thought I would spill this out on my blog...but when you cant handle much more... 
Now don't think I am weak,that will be your biggest and likely last mistake.  Emotionally though I am just a wreck. My mom was something to me that I thought would never go away...but then you move out and you have kids realize a lot.... I don't put up with don't say hi to me one time and you get dirty looks for a act snotty towards me, your gonna hear about it, you miss treat an animal even slightly and I will be right there in your face....but I always made excuses or ignored the hurt I got from my mom thinking it was just me being young and was better then being angry and doing drugs so I figured what I was feeling was normal. Turns out it was never normal and my good childhood was not as swell as I thought.  My mom forgets she didn't always pick the right man.... She forgets she lived at home for a long time...she forgets she had a house every single time back in the day....  She forgets that being hardcore is not going to help anyone. She forgets that being selfish is not what she taught her kids...
September 7th haunts me...and now I have to wonder if my mom was different..if theres a change my brother might still be here. I would never want her to beat herself up over it..but I did at one time thinking the 2nd little sister was too much for him... Was there stuff she just didn't notice....was there emotion she didn't show... I know growing up it was "your fine" or "Get over it" she had emotion but never at that right moment...never that mom you think about in your thoughts,that really sweet,give you her left eye...type mom. She could be worse, so I am thankful for that. She could be a druggie....a murderer....she could be homeless...she could care nothing about her family....but the damage she caused might never be repaired. I would love to say all of this to my sister so she understands that my life was easier in some ways and really blew in others. I'd love to just talk to her about mom and get everything off my chest Why do that to her. Why make her listen to my pity stories when hers are more then likely bigger. 
When you dream you always make people to be what you want them to parents would be younger,in a nicer home,more money, more understanding of times and what ignoring things does.... I can't really explain how I would want them to act...but I see people all the time calling in laws and reaming them out for "hurting their baby" or something...or moving them out because they know they need too...or helping out some way....other then material. Its hard to explain. To the naked eye her and I are just fine. Yesterday we were only 10mins into a 45min if not more trip before she upset me...but you ask anybody at the parade and they would say what the heck are you talking about.  Its funny because when I first moved out...I showed her when I was angry and we would actually talk about it or at least address nothing. I am not going to talk to her,I am gonna keep this one another one of my secrets. Shes young but old enough to not need this stress. She is who she is. I can't change her. 
Maybe I wrote this for other reasons... who knows. No one will ever be able to get into my head enough to understand my thinking. I do know one thing, being fake is not me. I need to get a grip on things enough to show people when I am angry and at the same time be over it within minutes.... Its all I can write for now. I am to tired. Some fights you just never win.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Came along way baby

Or have we gone back a little? I have been thinking...Been watching...I got a few topics I want to discuss...
Kids and stores...Does anyone really know the proper way to handle a tantrum in a store? Is it fair to the kid to be punished for habits we might have created? Like allowing them to have candy every time we check out or buying a toy some of the times before with no reason but to shut them up? Is it fair to other people to listen to our kids? Or should they just deal with it? Two sides with very good points,pros and cons.
I don't like people to listen to my kids but I also discipline the store BUT not to shut them up. Lost you didn't I. Its not my job as a mom to shut my kid up. Its my job to negotiate and find out why they are upset or throwing the tantrum. My job is to remain calm because theres WORSE situations to be in. If I got mad or stressed over a tantrum then what would happen if I got robbed or my car stolen,I'd die from the stress. I also don't pay attention to the people around me, I dont want to feed off their negativity or their judgment of how I am handling the situation.  If the tantrum does not stop or the misbehaving does not stop, removing them from the store is my go too thing. Thankfully I never started habits. The thing with my kids is wanting to walk and then running around the store. They have so much energy they see open space and run, so listening is my key to having them behave in the store. Something my kids should know already.  They never whine at the check out, they could care less about the toy isle...and they are fed before we go to the store so they don't ask for food..I have avoided half the normal reason for tantrums.  As we walk in we tell them that we will be quick so that it will then be back to kid time(which means the park or going outside at home). Now do I get mad when other peoples kids are screaming at the top of their lungs or crying? If they are a baby crying, I do a little because I feel like there is a reason so why are you not fixing whats upsetting him/her. Food,cold,hungry.... I always went even to the store prepared when they were infants/babies. Otherwise I just continue my shopping and MMOB(Mind my own business). They didn't plan to ruin a shopping trip, the devil did not put is in the same store to stress us out and to act silly by rolling our eyes or passing judgement on the parents. So I am not going too. Sometimes I wonder why parents do things but thats because I do things differently, I am not judging I am analyzing and figuring out other peoples ways. If I disagree then thats okay. Not everyone is alike.

Next has anyone seen the mom who was on Dr.Phil who gave her kid hot sauce and a cold shower for lying? She is now on trial for abuse. But someone brought up a good point,the kids who were more disciplined seemed to become better adults. Not sure I completely agree with that one but then there is another statement made saying that there are other worse ways that people go about disciplining. Spanking, Soap in the mouth, locked in room, Crazy things no one wants to even think about and no one seems to catch those people. Why? Because most think what they do is fine. She was reaching out for help saying she felt like she was an angry mom. Thats exactly what her family needed was for her to admit she is wrong and needs some guidance. Do I agree with what I saw on that video of her and her child? No. A child lying about something so small and getting such punishment is dumbfounding. I know people use TINY amounts of hot sauce for kids who spit,talk back,swear...bite... and I think personally its each parents choice. I talk things out before I take any measure. I talk talk talk the kids ears off. "What you did was bad" "That was not nice" "You don't see mommy biting anyone" Etc. The cold shower. I have no nice words to say about that. I do want kids to be a importance to society and not a menace. I don't want people paying for their jail cell. Do my kids need to be perfect when grown up,No. But I don't want people to fear them, cops to be hunting for them, I don't want them to be a menace to society. I want them to be respectful of their elders and people with disabilities. I want them to be accepting of cultures,religions,races,sexual preferences, on. Will I discipline with time outs and stern looks to attempt to have my kids grow up to be something more then just a lump on a couch or a number in our jail system? Absolutely
I agree with things that were done back in the day. Parents in older generations had it correct. Crime was down. Respect was demanded. Kids thought with their imaginations. Kids were kids. Sticks and stones not Ipads and cellphones. I realize its hard to get that back today  but I can try with living in the country. Toys are not # 1...using resources, doing things for the planet..and much more come before tv and technology. I raised my kids to entertain themselves are car trips with toys and what they see out the window,songs, and basics. No dvd players in my car. I judge no one. My kids act different then others. Some parents need that dvd player to survive that 18 hr trip. =)

If you have not seen the show scared straight that is aired on A&E..It shows the types of kids and their thinking today. It teaches these kids that bad is not the only road to go down. It scares them into realizing that jail is not fun. That their attitudes with get them in trouble one day. I am one with an attitude but I watch where I have that attitude with todays ways. People will shoot you if you cut them off. People will shoot you for not giving them a job. People will shoot you for wearing the wrong socks it seems. I keep my attitude under wraps for the most part, I keep my voice heard but in a different manner then I would have 4 or 5 years ago. Things change and so have the people. Its sad.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cleaning up

Few quick things. Last post was totally a rant and angry post. And even though no one reads these lol for my own peace of mind.
Most my anger is at my husband so bare with me.  He can be so perfect yet so not... Today=Perfect but you never know what tomorrow is in this relationship. Things still make me question things which makes the trust pretty low and since he will never come out and tell me they linger in my head which tends to make me a very cranky little person. =)
BUT for again my peace of mind in case anyone does read this. My neighbors that think they are better then me are not the ones who I live directly near. They are stuck up indirectly. One guy lives down the road a tad and when he walks hes always like checking out our yards and stuff..bugs me because I am a clean person living with a messy person so my front yard does not always look lovely.  I know hes this way because a friend of ours looked at one of his apartments and we were going to if they didn't want it but then they told us how he was and how pristine everything had to be and stuff. And we decided against it.
Then some crankiness comes from the garbage people... I NEVER almost NEVER insult a worker of any kind. So I follow rules quite well. I want to make peoples jobs easier and have them have a good day. So I try to clean up after a mess like one week something got into our garbage and I went right up and cleaned it all up well lately the garbage men have been mad about me not recycling... When I do. I have two bins full right now. It saves me money on bags and helps the environment. I even keep some jars and plastic containers to hold things or leftovers. I try to be resourceful so that my kids depend on their brains not technology and others. I'm a country girl. So even thought I thought they were being silly I re did my bags,cleaned up my trash cans even and marked them. They took the garbage but I just felt like a little kid. Like I had to defend myself to an older kid on the play ground. I'm also the only one who would like to listen to the mail man because again hes just trying to do his job and put the garbage on the other side opposite of the mail boxes..but since we have neighbors that share the driveway and I don't know if they agree-So we can't. I also like the curb to look nice...theres so much crap in the woods near the mailboxes...oy! Everyone around me seems messy,somedays I just give up and be messy too lol.
Another thing. Photography. I am in one of those stumps where you have a good day then a bad day with it. Where for a long time every picture I took was decent then you had the perfect shots. Lately I am lucky to get 1 photo on a bad day. And my good days are not even that fantastic. Arghh.
Then I have this issue with my left hand..its dry skin that spreads...yet its not dry skin just looks it because lotion does nothing...well now its turned so raw its got little paper cut like cuts on my fingers...HURTS. Think I remembered to by gloves for when I do the dishes? noooooo.
Such lame things bothering me yet they are. Can't change that but I also can't change things that can not be changed. But I can work at the things that can be changed.

My dad has jury duty...that has me a wreck,hes over 80,why??? Guess hes got it under control but sheesh.

My rings are not even close to being ready because they got shipped back by walmart because walmart forgot to add in the ups number or something else so now I must wait another 2 weeks....LOVELY!

Z's speech went well,she warmed up quickly.  We have a few things to work on so that it helps her progress even faster and better. 

Stefano spent the weekend at Joes moms. Having 1 child is way to easy. I didn't miss the fighting though.

Its been hot but not unbearably hot. Little rain here and there. My garden has two things in it that I have no idea what they are,I just know I planted veggies and flowers.

I have determined that silk sheets and me don't really get along lol. They keep making the comforter fall off.

Been doing freecycle a lot. Thinking of doing a tag sale in the middle of august.

Boring life I lead. Oh well. Gotta call drs about depo shot as I lost the card that tells me the next time I gotta go in. Ugh. I need to work on being a tad more organized at times. 

I just clean and run errands. =)
Heres a few pics.


Monday, August 1, 2011


Its funny to watch people be so fake. Act sincere when they are not...YET they have friends and a great life but if you ask them "They give up" SHOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! Us who struggle want your life and your acting like a freaking baby!
You wanna know how my life goes?
I have no money
I never drive
I NEVER get me time EVER
Its only quiet after 10pm
I still have 30lbs to lose
I don't get to weight lift anymore
I deal with someone who has killed me as a person
I don't have a big back yard
No picket fence
No happiness.
Friends at a far
Neighbors who act better then me
People who are jealous of a hobby I have had LONGER then them
In laws that don't get it 
I rent a too small of a place

AND YET I still give rather then receive, still thankful.. SO GET A GRIP!
If your complaining about being single...TRUST ME its better that way
If your complaining about money but make more then most families....Go sit on it and see if that helps your mood!!!

As I type this seems to immature but you know what no one else is mature these days. Everyone else gets to act like a complete ass so why not me too!?
So much irritates me. I realize it shouldn't and I will slowly work on that but for now..AGHHHH!!!

One thing that is making me a crazy person is one person. One person who has changed drastically and I think for the worse. Thinks are out of character. Fights are over almost an imagination of what they think is going on or what they think they know. Little things are no longer little things. Its way to much. This person has started to think they can own everything and everyone like a piece of paper. Treat stuff like crap. Be selfish. And no one is telling them different except me. I can't even fully type out what is going on and whats going through my mind....its overwhelming and confusing. 

Just count your blessings. Stop holding out on good husbands. Stop dressing in t-shirts and mom jeans-remember to be that gorgeous in and out person. Never be jealous that someone else has the same hobby or passion.  Put the self conscious aside and glow. If you have a job love it like its your last day with a income. If you stand on your two feet most the time or all the time then be proud of that. If you make the right decisions,then adore the outcome. Your kids first ,yourself last. So many things,so many things that can go both ways. My kids are first but I try to look my age and adore my 23 yr old body haha. One day I will want it back so if you think I am gonna cover it up with a t-shirt your nuts!!! Stretch marks, I got em and mostly on my legs but IDC!
Love your animals, Don't think of them as a chore.
Make the best of what you have.
Be positive.
The things I am going to work on so that I can be better is-
Making the best of what I have-being resourceful 
Being independent-I can be..but ok I have always liked the company of a man...I have never been single for longer then a month BUT I also never really kept track because when I am single I am happy I don't worry about it but when I get with a guy I become putty lol I like a strong working man. (Which lately I don't have) I like a man who does the man stuff. A man who is not afraid to sweat. A man who showers at night to smell good for his woman. A man who can cook. A man who is a real man and does not complain.
A real man is honest and loyal.
Loyal to his job.
His kids.
His spouse.
His friends
His family.
A real man!

Monday, July 25, 2011

The point

There comes a point where nothing really matters because you start feeling like its all a people are just telling you what you want to hear. They get defensive when they should be allowing you to get defensive. Questions are still being answered with lies. Truth is being with held.
I for one always believed that when a person is defensive and mad that means they are guilty-obviously not everyone is like that some of us get mad to be even accused of something someone has no proof of. But when you have been put in that spot where there is proof and things are starting to crumble around you but the person you lied too's world is crumbling even worse, its not your duty to make that moment even worse for them. Truth,kindness, guilt, apology, deep meaning, explanations, soft voice....  Fighting and arguing and not lifting that weight off your shoulders is not fair to the person who is hearing all of this and the person who knows what they know and want nothing more then the honest truth.
Even the strongest person can be brought down by lies. It depends on what was done and what was said.
If you feel the need to lie then more then likely you know you were wrong. If you were wrong, why would you do what you did in the first place?
Why are you not acting like a normal human?
Why do we make fun of people who act stupid and brainless but then you act just like them?
Trust is the number 1 thing that can keep people close. It happens with everyone. Trust with your co workers, Trust with your family, Trust with your spouse, Trust with your best friend...Trusting the people around you...Its a every day thing. Its what makes us function.
With out trust you have a stranger relationship, you have that moment where you are feeling a person out only you never get to the point of trust because its no longer you keep fighting and fighting to get there but you never ca... when trust is gone its gone. People think in 2 days you can reverse years of mistrust. People assume because you tell them they can trust you then your going to. If your not god I am not going to just automatically go back to the way things were.
Thats the other thing... if you change things...then don't expect them to go back together perfectly like a puzzle. If you made the mistakes that changed a relationship or something then you can't regain how things were in a might never go back..thats the risk you took to make your mistake, to do what ever you did.
You can't change jobs and just assume things will be as easy as they were at your other job or that your co workers will be as lovely as the ones at your old why would you assume in a committed relationship...things will stay the same after hurt,betrayal,lies,mistakes...Things like that. After time these things effect a person as well. Self esteem, hobbies seem unimportant, Disorders can be caused(if self esteem gets shot then anorexia or depression could arise)Habits can come back to haunt us, decisions become irrational when our thoughts deem us of all the bad from the past or even present, Anger arises with no warning, Tears flow with no explanation that has not been explained at-least once before, thing get repeated because we are testing you to see if your story has changed or we are still searching for answers..the right answers. Everything that was is no longer. All the likes you had no longer exist. Those days without fights don't happen anymore... because anger and hurt don't go away.  
Any little hint of a lie blows up to be something huge. That person never quite understands why that happens.

When one is making mistakes they could be planning a surprise, thinking about their family, missing their family....but instead they choose to put you on the back burner so they can mess up.