Thursday, June 16, 2011

No coincidence

So many thoughts are boiling in my head. 
I have not written here for awhile but its time because I am just not happy with my life.
Joe. Yes thats right. Hes not doing bad bad things but theres NO trust there between him and I. Anything he promises gets broken. If he does something he shouldn't have like nothing bad but say he leaves after we talked about it 100 times saying it makes no sense when he leaves,only cowards run away and he does..well I do something out of anger then as well because I don't know where he is or what hes doing. I have to play mom still and get no time to think or come down to earth or what ever needs to be done.
But I did figure out what his issue is. He does a lot behind my back. Money,Convos,telling people off that are my friends,naughty magazines,porn...Its like his obsession is stuff done behind my back and I figured that out today I figured out his mental state is not normal. Is he the only guy I know like this? No. Is he the only married guy I know like this. No. But he is suppose to be better then all the rest. He's suppose to be tan muscular standing out front of our house with the white picket fence....WELL thats my dream anyway instead we fight like crazy because he never thinks what he does is wrong or if I do something to make him angry or upset him he never sits and thinks about why or what would cause me to do something out of my character and upset him-He just blocks everything out. Never comes off that damn high horse and realizes "Dang" and then go from there "I hurt her" "She had a reason to be mad" "That was our agreement" or even an apology or a hug to tell me he understands. I have understood everything for 4 years. His stupid selfish actions for 4 years. He has no right to be angry at anything I do unless its cheating on him really. 
I could tell him this all. Actually I do. I don't gossip with girlfriends I go right to the source and hes all cuddly and cute then he does it again. When does this cycle stop? I am not hurt now even though I understand how much mentally he is not a husband.  I don't cry myself to sleep thats not what this post is. This post is me building up the courage to change my life now before it gets worse. He has issues.
1. Gets off doing stuff behind my back.
2. Never thinks deeply about a persons actions
3. Says one thing does another.
4. Does not understand the emotion hurt
5. Fights to easily with someone he claims to love
6. Leaves to easily.
7. Lies and hides to much.
8. Never realizes what he has.
9. Never makes it up after doing something off base.
10. Not who I thought he was
Bottom line thats throwing no punches right there.  I hate the word love. Gosh do I  hate it. And I would never had gotten married if I hadn't..*gasp* thought or knew in this case I was ick love..ew yuck w/e with him. lol but this is not love this is me always angry always something I'm not. I am hiding behind a hobby to act happy. 
On a good day I see hope on a bad day I see surrender.
There are too many bad days now. There is too much for me to wonder and doubt. There is to much bring my self esteem down. There is too much breaking us up. Not sure its a fight I wanna fight. Again this is not a mushy post,I don't do mushy but I do, do honesty. 
People assume I am angry but never stop to say "Maybe shes not as she never told me she was" No one thinks with that mentality anymore.  What goes on in my head 95% of the time will get said especially if its something towards someone or to do with someone. I am not fake. Thats where Joe and I are different. He hides to much for a married father of 2.  I have my secrets but they are not ones that would make him doubt everything about me and the relationship. He knows me. What I have bottled up probably would not surprise him in the slightest. What I find is obnoxious self esteem beating gestures that were also lied to me about. 
Another thing people never quite understand...if you don't ask then your not lying. When I am asked things I tell the truth when I am accused,I fuss up.  My husband never asks so I have no need to tell. Its not lying. If he really cared he would ask or accuse. See accusations can be an insult if they are coming from a hypocrite or a butt but if your sincere and they are real thoughts and real emotions its not an insult its a "someone cares" gesture someone who notices and is protective of their heart. He actually lies and he will look you in the eye and lie. Its ridiculous. 
I am not a drunk, I am not filthy, I don't own a pair of "mom jeans", I wear t-shirts only at night, I cook,  I have hobbies, I am not out with the girls numerous times a week, we don't nee to share the vehicle cuz where I am he is ( something cute we do only if the rest of the relationship worked),Heels and cocktails are fine by me. I am comfortable with who I am. My heart MOST the time is in the right place, I love the same shows as him, I brag, I work at what I need to change, I'm thankful, I am open minded ;-)... I hate saying good things about me but he just never seems to get those good things unless hes having a good day...and with him working night shifts good days are so far and in-between. I've been wanting for a month to get pics of him and I. Nothing.
Just too frustrating. He says he smokes for stress reasons. Funny this blog express's a lot of stress and I smoked 1 cigarette a month. Sometimes not even that. So how am I suppose to deal with my stress?  I have no escape like his coward self does.  Insults roll off my tongue but if its a good day, compliments for him are just as easy. =) But today is not a good day. This week has not been a good week. But no woe is me here,just stating. My life is not crappy it just has its moments. I need to analyze whats right and whats wrong and figure out what will and won't work.
Simple. Not soap opera. Just reality.

Tomorrow..ta da! Is my dads 81st birthday! Woot woot! We are going up and of course I will be taking lots of pictures. I am making a trifle dessert  and my mom is making the meal. Can't wait! Hopefully it will be a good day. Wish I could have gotten him something.
Then Sunday is a trip to Bennington.  Oy! Busy busy now only if I had a man by my side!
Getting more angrier the more I type so I am off!
Write more often I hope.