Sunday, October 23, 2011

Wishing other

I am so sick of being negative all the time in posts but I don't trust writing anything other then the bad and ugly and I know if I do,what Im writing won't really mean much because an hr later the idiot will mess up again.
The newest thing is the lack of communication. We use to be the best at it. I use to brag and smile thinking about what I had. Now I just want him to die so I can move on. Harsh I know. He either walks away,drives away or never actually listens. He use to let what you were saying set in and he would never let things go to far or walk away or anything. He use to register what you were saying,say what he wanted,work it out then we were fine. Now there is nothing that goes into his brain and registers. NOTHING. Example if he thought I was being obnoxious and I explained to him why or that I didn't mean to be that this is maybe why he thought that or what I really met or what not he would straighten his tone out and understand,he might complain one more time or say something else but then it was fixed or ignored/dropped. He actually use to drop things. Now nope not unless hes high. 
I am a domestic person. Working is not for me. Not unless I could find just the right thing.  If I had the support that most people have Joe and I would have divorced 2 years ago. Or I would scare him,leave one night hes at work. But one wants to even talk to me about things.
Its the little things but its the little things I always said I would find in a guy that make me happy. He has to do and mean what he says. Believe in hard work. Be grateful. Think rational. Be the best of the best dad. Not lie. Be loyal.  And want better.

He blames everyone. He never stops to realize he has changed and so has the relationship between us.

Another thing that I finally just told him lastnight was when we fight or not even fight if maybe something is just off or we are just not seeing eye to eye it would be nice if he didn't throw me into the parent den....Sometimes I need to sit in the truck with music or have time to myself or leave. I can't always be the best parent when I have so many emotions running through me. But like right now his phone is off and hes gone even though today is half over,his kids need food and to get out of the house and here I am throwing shit at walls trying not to completely go psycho because he makes me have to be the parent all the time and he never has to be the parent and when he is he sucks ass at it. I left him alone with them Sunday and my house was a mess,kids got into things they shouldnt have,he never played with them,their meal was horrible,they hadn't had dinner yet....He was all about himself yet he gets to do that all the time. He gets to have real convos with people without watching and yelling at kids. He gets alone time 24/7.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Slapped in the face

Yea I realize most my posts are pretty down in the dumps but if I didn't write....I know I would be in jail.

I was already to brag about things with Joe AND bam he does something to ooo wait for it wait for it...hurt me. He put his phone on FB so he can use his phone on there. Not a big deal if you have never tried cheating,have cheated or lied about things dealing with the opposite sex on fb....ALSO his mother bitched about the bill being high because of the use of the web so I ME ME ME has been NOT even touching the web on my phone and here he is hooking up his fb to it. Checks the weather on it and god knows what else BUT BUT hes trying to save money and get us a house. GEE how ya gonna do that if you rack your bill up and your mom demands money WHICH she has the right to do! UGH yet his family dislikes me? WHY cuz I dont flippin' take crap. I won't be stepped all over, I am not gonna spoil a man who has treated me like a maid for 4 yrs. DONT get me wrong I only feel like just the maid when he is messing up. Which sadly is about twice a week. I stay because hes young there is so much potential and hope and I know pretty well how to deal with my emotions so hes not killing me inside or what ever all that sappy crap is.  But if someone does not wake him up soon he will lose everything. Hes already lost his dignity and his pride and a lot of people respect. What he says means nothing to anyone because he never can keep what he says. I was suppose to be in a house 2 yrs ago...BUT nope. He learns but he forgets and does not care to quickly.

He has no one but me telling him that what he is doing is shameful to his name and to his family. Period.

Monday, October 3, 2011

In my head

I want to get one thing straight before you read this.... I cherish family. I love my family. I am a strong person on most days. I try really hard to respect people. 
Lets begin....
I am having a really hard time connecting with my mom lately. I always took what hurt and would laugh about it...Recently I have felt very fake and very torn. I feel like I am missing relationships with other family members because of her. Not because she is one sided or because she is cruel. My mom is a very beautiful person she just forgets to follow her own words of wisdom. She always taught me and my siblings to never be selfish. I have handed down most of my stuff to my nieces and nephew, I would bend over for them. and vice versa with my sister and my kids. She buys them exactly what they want like she can read their minds.  My sister and I are not as close as we should be..and for years I never really understood why...then I needed her less then a month ago as my life became a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions. She told me exactly what I needed to hear and I took a piece of her advice and laid down some ground rules for my life,including stepping up and finding my passion to make it a job so I had my own income. I laid down rules with my husband. I suggested moving,in-which he was all for. I told my mother nothing of the conversation. I let her words linger for days before allowing my family to come back together,my husband was then let back into our lives... So where is the problem? Where am I going with this? Before my sister and our conversation on the phone that lovely night....I felt pressure from my mom to get the hell out of her house...I needed her the most right then and there....I needed to feel like I was not a burden or the dumbest person on the face of the earth for marrying this new yorker who before we got married was the light of everyones eye. He adored my family in a normal healthy way. He suggested anything to help anyone. But again thats not the point...I just needed to feel a certain way to accomplish what I needed to get done. I needed to hear that people make mistakes. My mom always made me out to be the perfect child...when really I am a cutter, I am a smoker, I am a speeder,I spend too much, I am afraid of people, I stay online to much, I don't call my family enough, I don't say I love you enough, I lie, I pretend to be happy when I am not... Now when I say happy I am for the most part. I am thankful for a lot of my life. But one thing missing, my sister warned me about...and I didn't get it then but I do now. Mom has a funny way of showing you she loves you..... she has a way of making you feel like trash that has just been thrown into the dumpster. 
These things have come from my moms mouth recently... Causing me to relapse with cutting. I am typing this so that if anyone else feels the way I do, you know your not alone. I don't want phone calls or sympathy. A cutter will move on with time. I am not suicidal in the slightest. I live for my family.  Here are the quotes straight from my mom. "Your kids are so annoying,there is no break between them getting into things." "at 7 I just want my down time thats why I told her(Me) that she can't come back to my house every fight with Joe"  "you better work it out because your not calling me again to come get you"... Those are the three that I can't quite let go of. I love her very much but she helps so little. I don't want her money. I just want her kind words. Or her ability to spread the word about my photography to help me build something bigger and better for myself. I want to know I have somewhere to go if I need too. Yes I work out but nonetheless Joe is bigger then me and has more friends then me. He has no anxiety. He knows no emotion. He does when hes normal. But when he switches out of that character....hes a beast that I can't fight alone. Its a battle worth fighting I  decided that Sunday... My marriage is the best when its normal. And Joe is normal. Yesterday we had a parade to go too in Mass. Family was going to be there, my bestie was there...and I stood there in person but not in mind.... My husband did fine...he was sweet, he made people laugh...thats the guy I married...He was himself without the bipolar,without the friends that back him up....with out the devil on his shoulder.  Hes been acting this way for awhile now,and its been very nice.... But today he let the devil in again. Was it something bad no....but it was something he had promised not to do....I would handle it all better if I knew I could pick up the phone and bitch and whine and complain about him and the situation to someone. And my sister would listen...I know that. But its not her problem she has a life, my mom has a very little one so she could offer an ear easier...and the last time I tried to bitch and by bitch I mean I was laughing and just making jokes about what was going on she said to me "ha, you two are something else" she never even asked any questions or listened to anything else I had to say. She didn't ask those deeper questions that you should pull out of someone if you know they are upset... All it was today was porn. Porn is not a huge issue with him anymore so this time shouldn't have been a big deal...but because of the circumstances he couldn't have picked a worse time to mess up. I was proud of yesterday, theres things happening in our private life that are fun and just a blast...I was doing something for him when he went to the porn....and on Friday I had a break down about my he knew that I was not yet healthy about myself yet....also him saying to me "Your so hot" as I stand there in sweat pants and long sleeve then go to porn didn't help. Maybe I am oversensitive...but you go from 110 lbs to 139 lbs...Not a big jump but when you live to weight lift and to be fit....thats a big jump..its a big jump when you really only had your body to impress someone with... I am Hillary and I use to cheat on every bf I had... I use to seek attention the wrong way. People assumed I was seeking it through my cutting when really i was seeking it in men. I still don't say I love you to my husband...because to me love is nothing...I always turned and burned after an encounter with a longest relationship was 11mos I believe....shows you I never liked sticking around for people to see my emotional side or anything. I didn't show much of anything but anger and sex during most relationships. I knew the guy though, through and through before hitting the sheets...but it was still very meaningless. I met Joe in 2007... He was that macho guy that I had been craving. That guy that my secrets didn't seem so bad when told.... I do love him as hard as it is to even say that word... I know he can be a good guy. His grandfather was near perfection...I see hope.  I know its not all him. But I want to know that I can shower, or be out of the room and him not need porn. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own home... I don't ask for much. I just thought for 23yrs my mom was something shes not. My sister wins again. She knew. She warned. DONT GET ME WRONG! My sister loves my mom and would never hurt her in any way...just she knew that feeling of not being loved....I believed her I just didn't believe that my mom was the number one cause....But duh... I needed help before I got into kindergarten with my anxiety and nothing.... I needed help in school...and nothing... I needed help with addictions...and nothing... I craved men...she never noticed...I stayed out over questions were asked....I cried in my room for hrs...I went days without eating and no one came up those stairs....I should have gotten it.  I first started seeing it in the 8th grade... the teacher at the time was being a real ass and held me back saying I had to much work to get caught up....yet when summer school came around it was only in math and I was done in 4 weeks and that was only going twice a week...It was all a lie...He didn't like me for my attitude and who I was...No one fought for me.... No one told him that what he was doing was wrong. July of 2000 and something I snapped for the first time in front of a teacher....Mr howes was teaching me and only me that was the deal of summer school....and he pushed me too far...I snapped so bad he walked out of the school....1 week later he came back to talk to me and for the first time I felt emotional in front of someone...up till that day I showed no one and I do mean no one my tears...first time I felt like someone noticed I was not okay....I went to my room after our talk and painted my room blood red.... It was the start of something even worse. I became a more sneaky...bigger liar... Then in the 9th grade I found out there was no money for me to go to college...and I stopped caring... I have shared this with no all are the first... I hid behind black and my muscle. I use to walk all over Bennington and fear nothing.... I pushed to the ground and held down a 260lb guy....who hurt my best friends heart at the time.... I cared about nothing more then in the moment.  Who I am today is not really that different. My kids saved me. Joe saved me for the longest time from cutting. He was helpful and caring.  He still can be. He still is most the time.  But again...this is not where I am going... I never thought I would spill this out on my blog...but when you cant handle much more... 
Now don't think I am weak,that will be your biggest and likely last mistake.  Emotionally though I am just a wreck. My mom was something to me that I thought would never go away...but then you move out and you have kids realize a lot.... I don't put up with don't say hi to me one time and you get dirty looks for a act snotty towards me, your gonna hear about it, you miss treat an animal even slightly and I will be right there in your face....but I always made excuses or ignored the hurt I got from my mom thinking it was just me being young and was better then being angry and doing drugs so I figured what I was feeling was normal. Turns out it was never normal and my good childhood was not as swell as I thought.  My mom forgets she didn't always pick the right man.... She forgets she lived at home for a long time...she forgets she had a house every single time back in the day....  She forgets that being hardcore is not going to help anyone. She forgets that being selfish is not what she taught her kids...
September 7th haunts me...and now I have to wonder if my mom was different..if theres a change my brother might still be here. I would never want her to beat herself up over it..but I did at one time thinking the 2nd little sister was too much for him... Was there stuff she just didn't notice....was there emotion she didn't show... I know growing up it was "your fine" or "Get over it" she had emotion but never at that right moment...never that mom you think about in your thoughts,that really sweet,give you her left eye...type mom. She could be worse, so I am thankful for that. She could be a druggie....a murderer....she could be homeless...she could care nothing about her family....but the damage she caused might never be repaired. I would love to say all of this to my sister so she understands that my life was easier in some ways and really blew in others. I'd love to just talk to her about mom and get everything off my chest Why do that to her. Why make her listen to my pity stories when hers are more then likely bigger. 
When you dream you always make people to be what you want them to parents would be younger,in a nicer home,more money, more understanding of times and what ignoring things does.... I can't really explain how I would want them to act...but I see people all the time calling in laws and reaming them out for "hurting their baby" or something...or moving them out because they know they need too...or helping out some way....other then material. Its hard to explain. To the naked eye her and I are just fine. Yesterday we were only 10mins into a 45min if not more trip before she upset me...but you ask anybody at the parade and they would say what the heck are you talking about.  Its funny because when I first moved out...I showed her when I was angry and we would actually talk about it or at least address nothing. I am not going to talk to her,I am gonna keep this one another one of my secrets. Shes young but old enough to not need this stress. She is who she is. I can't change her. 
Maybe I wrote this for other reasons... who knows. No one will ever be able to get into my head enough to understand my thinking. I do know one thing, being fake is not me. I need to get a grip on things enough to show people when I am angry and at the same time be over it within minutes.... Its all I can write for now. I am to tired. Some fights you just never win.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Came along way baby

Or have we gone back a little? I have been thinking...Been watching...I got a few topics I want to discuss...
Kids and stores...Does anyone really know the proper way to handle a tantrum in a store? Is it fair to the kid to be punished for habits we might have created? Like allowing them to have candy every time we check out or buying a toy some of the times before with no reason but to shut them up? Is it fair to other people to listen to our kids? Or should they just deal with it? Two sides with very good points,pros and cons.
I don't like people to listen to my kids but I also discipline the store BUT not to shut them up. Lost you didn't I. Its not my job as a mom to shut my kid up. Its my job to negotiate and find out why they are upset or throwing the tantrum. My job is to remain calm because theres WORSE situations to be in. If I got mad or stressed over a tantrum then what would happen if I got robbed or my car stolen,I'd die from the stress. I also don't pay attention to the people around me, I dont want to feed off their negativity or their judgment of how I am handling the situation.  If the tantrum does not stop or the misbehaving does not stop, removing them from the store is my go too thing. Thankfully I never started habits. The thing with my kids is wanting to walk and then running around the store. They have so much energy they see open space and run, so listening is my key to having them behave in the store. Something my kids should know already.  They never whine at the check out, they could care less about the toy isle...and they are fed before we go to the store so they don't ask for food..I have avoided half the normal reason for tantrums.  As we walk in we tell them that we will be quick so that it will then be back to kid time(which means the park or going outside at home). Now do I get mad when other peoples kids are screaming at the top of their lungs or crying? If they are a baby crying, I do a little because I feel like there is a reason so why are you not fixing whats upsetting him/her. Food,cold,hungry.... I always went even to the store prepared when they were infants/babies. Otherwise I just continue my shopping and MMOB(Mind my own business). They didn't plan to ruin a shopping trip, the devil did not put is in the same store to stress us out and to act silly by rolling our eyes or passing judgement on the parents. So I am not going too. Sometimes I wonder why parents do things but thats because I do things differently, I am not judging I am analyzing and figuring out other peoples ways. If I disagree then thats okay. Not everyone is alike.

Next has anyone seen the mom who was on Dr.Phil who gave her kid hot sauce and a cold shower for lying? She is now on trial for abuse. But someone brought up a good point,the kids who were more disciplined seemed to become better adults. Not sure I completely agree with that one but then there is another statement made saying that there are other worse ways that people go about disciplining. Spanking, Soap in the mouth, locked in room, Crazy things no one wants to even think about and no one seems to catch those people. Why? Because most think what they do is fine. She was reaching out for help saying she felt like she was an angry mom. Thats exactly what her family needed was for her to admit she is wrong and needs some guidance. Do I agree with what I saw on that video of her and her child? No. A child lying about something so small and getting such punishment is dumbfounding. I know people use TINY amounts of hot sauce for kids who spit,talk back,swear...bite... and I think personally its each parents choice. I talk things out before I take any measure. I talk talk talk the kids ears off. "What you did was bad" "That was not nice" "You don't see mommy biting anyone" Etc. The cold shower. I have no nice words to say about that. I do want kids to be a importance to society and not a menace. I don't want people paying for their jail cell. Do my kids need to be perfect when grown up,No. But I don't want people to fear them, cops to be hunting for them, I don't want them to be a menace to society. I want them to be respectful of their elders and people with disabilities. I want them to be accepting of cultures,religions,races,sexual preferences, on. Will I discipline with time outs and stern looks to attempt to have my kids grow up to be something more then just a lump on a couch or a number in our jail system? Absolutely
I agree with things that were done back in the day. Parents in older generations had it correct. Crime was down. Respect was demanded. Kids thought with their imaginations. Kids were kids. Sticks and stones not Ipads and cellphones. I realize its hard to get that back today  but I can try with living in the country. Toys are not # 1...using resources, doing things for the planet..and much more come before tv and technology. I raised my kids to entertain themselves are car trips with toys and what they see out the window,songs, and basics. No dvd players in my car. I judge no one. My kids act different then others. Some parents need that dvd player to survive that 18 hr trip. =)

If you have not seen the show scared straight that is aired on A&E..It shows the types of kids and their thinking today. It teaches these kids that bad is not the only road to go down. It scares them into realizing that jail is not fun. That their attitudes with get them in trouble one day. I am one with an attitude but I watch where I have that attitude with todays ways. People will shoot you if you cut them off. People will shoot you for not giving them a job. People will shoot you for wearing the wrong socks it seems. I keep my attitude under wraps for the most part, I keep my voice heard but in a different manner then I would have 4 or 5 years ago. Things change and so have the people. Its sad.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cleaning up

Few quick things. Last post was totally a rant and angry post. And even though no one reads these lol for my own peace of mind.
Most my anger is at my husband so bare with me.  He can be so perfect yet so not... Today=Perfect but you never know what tomorrow is in this relationship. Things still make me question things which makes the trust pretty low and since he will never come out and tell me they linger in my head which tends to make me a very cranky little person. =)
BUT for again my peace of mind in case anyone does read this. My neighbors that think they are better then me are not the ones who I live directly near. They are stuck up indirectly. One guy lives down the road a tad and when he walks hes always like checking out our yards and stuff..bugs me because I am a clean person living with a messy person so my front yard does not always look lovely.  I know hes this way because a friend of ours looked at one of his apartments and we were going to if they didn't want it but then they told us how he was and how pristine everything had to be and stuff. And we decided against it.
Then some crankiness comes from the garbage people... I NEVER almost NEVER insult a worker of any kind. So I follow rules quite well. I want to make peoples jobs easier and have them have a good day. So I try to clean up after a mess like one week something got into our garbage and I went right up and cleaned it all up well lately the garbage men have been mad about me not recycling... When I do. I have two bins full right now. It saves me money on bags and helps the environment. I even keep some jars and plastic containers to hold things or leftovers. I try to be resourceful so that my kids depend on their brains not technology and others. I'm a country girl. So even thought I thought they were being silly I re did my bags,cleaned up my trash cans even and marked them. They took the garbage but I just felt like a little kid. Like I had to defend myself to an older kid on the play ground. I'm also the only one who would like to listen to the mail man because again hes just trying to do his job and put the garbage on the other side opposite of the mail boxes..but since we have neighbors that share the driveway and I don't know if they agree-So we can't. I also like the curb to look nice...theres so much crap in the woods near the mailboxes...oy! Everyone around me seems messy,somedays I just give up and be messy too lol.
Another thing. Photography. I am in one of those stumps where you have a good day then a bad day with it. Where for a long time every picture I took was decent then you had the perfect shots. Lately I am lucky to get 1 photo on a bad day. And my good days are not even that fantastic. Arghh.
Then I have this issue with my left hand..its dry skin that spreads...yet its not dry skin just looks it because lotion does nothing...well now its turned so raw its got little paper cut like cuts on my fingers...HURTS. Think I remembered to by gloves for when I do the dishes? noooooo.
Such lame things bothering me yet they are. Can't change that but I also can't change things that can not be changed. But I can work at the things that can be changed.

My dad has jury duty...that has me a wreck,hes over 80,why??? Guess hes got it under control but sheesh.

My rings are not even close to being ready because they got shipped back by walmart because walmart forgot to add in the ups number or something else so now I must wait another 2 weeks....LOVELY!

Z's speech went well,she warmed up quickly.  We have a few things to work on so that it helps her progress even faster and better. 

Stefano spent the weekend at Joes moms. Having 1 child is way to easy. I didn't miss the fighting though.

Its been hot but not unbearably hot. Little rain here and there. My garden has two things in it that I have no idea what they are,I just know I planted veggies and flowers.

I have determined that silk sheets and me don't really get along lol. They keep making the comforter fall off.

Been doing freecycle a lot. Thinking of doing a tag sale in the middle of august.

Boring life I lead. Oh well. Gotta call drs about depo shot as I lost the card that tells me the next time I gotta go in. Ugh. I need to work on being a tad more organized at times. 

I just clean and run errands. =)
Heres a few pics.


Monday, August 1, 2011


Its funny to watch people be so fake. Act sincere when they are not...YET they have friends and a great life but if you ask them "They give up" SHOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! Us who struggle want your life and your acting like a freaking baby!
You wanna know how my life goes?
I have no money
I never drive
I NEVER get me time EVER
Its only quiet after 10pm
I still have 30lbs to lose
I don't get to weight lift anymore
I deal with someone who has killed me as a person
I don't have a big back yard
No picket fence
No happiness.
Friends at a far
Neighbors who act better then me
People who are jealous of a hobby I have had LONGER then them
In laws that don't get it 
I rent a too small of a place

AND YET I still give rather then receive, still thankful.. SO GET A GRIP!
If your complaining about being single...TRUST ME its better that way
If your complaining about money but make more then most families....Go sit on it and see if that helps your mood!!!

As I type this seems to immature but you know what no one else is mature these days. Everyone else gets to act like a complete ass so why not me too!?
So much irritates me. I realize it shouldn't and I will slowly work on that but for now..AGHHHH!!!

One thing that is making me a crazy person is one person. One person who has changed drastically and I think for the worse. Thinks are out of character. Fights are over almost an imagination of what they think is going on or what they think they know. Little things are no longer little things. Its way to much. This person has started to think they can own everything and everyone like a piece of paper. Treat stuff like crap. Be selfish. And no one is telling them different except me. I can't even fully type out what is going on and whats going through my mind....its overwhelming and confusing. 

Just count your blessings. Stop holding out on good husbands. Stop dressing in t-shirts and mom jeans-remember to be that gorgeous in and out person. Never be jealous that someone else has the same hobby or passion.  Put the self conscious aside and glow. If you have a job love it like its your last day with a income. If you stand on your two feet most the time or all the time then be proud of that. If you make the right decisions,then adore the outcome. Your kids first ,yourself last. So many things,so many things that can go both ways. My kids are first but I try to look my age and adore my 23 yr old body haha. One day I will want it back so if you think I am gonna cover it up with a t-shirt your nuts!!! Stretch marks, I got em and mostly on my legs but IDC!
Love your animals, Don't think of them as a chore.
Make the best of what you have.
Be positive.
The things I am going to work on so that I can be better is-
Making the best of what I have-being resourceful 
Being independent-I can be..but ok I have always liked the company of a man...I have never been single for longer then a month BUT I also never really kept track because when I am single I am happy I don't worry about it but when I get with a guy I become putty lol I like a strong working man. (Which lately I don't have) I like a man who does the man stuff. A man who is not afraid to sweat. A man who showers at night to smell good for his woman. A man who can cook. A man who is a real man and does not complain.
A real man is honest and loyal.
Loyal to his job.
His kids.
His spouse.
His friends
His family.
A real man!

Monday, July 25, 2011

The point

There comes a point where nothing really matters because you start feeling like its all a people are just telling you what you want to hear. They get defensive when they should be allowing you to get defensive. Questions are still being answered with lies. Truth is being with held.
I for one always believed that when a person is defensive and mad that means they are guilty-obviously not everyone is like that some of us get mad to be even accused of something someone has no proof of. But when you have been put in that spot where there is proof and things are starting to crumble around you but the person you lied too's world is crumbling even worse, its not your duty to make that moment even worse for them. Truth,kindness, guilt, apology, deep meaning, explanations, soft voice....  Fighting and arguing and not lifting that weight off your shoulders is not fair to the person who is hearing all of this and the person who knows what they know and want nothing more then the honest truth.
Even the strongest person can be brought down by lies. It depends on what was done and what was said.
If you feel the need to lie then more then likely you know you were wrong. If you were wrong, why would you do what you did in the first place?
Why are you not acting like a normal human?
Why do we make fun of people who act stupid and brainless but then you act just like them?
Trust is the number 1 thing that can keep people close. It happens with everyone. Trust with your co workers, Trust with your family, Trust with your spouse, Trust with your best friend...Trusting the people around you...Its a every day thing. Its what makes us function.
With out trust you have a stranger relationship, you have that moment where you are feeling a person out only you never get to the point of trust because its no longer you keep fighting and fighting to get there but you never ca... when trust is gone its gone. People think in 2 days you can reverse years of mistrust. People assume because you tell them they can trust you then your going to. If your not god I am not going to just automatically go back to the way things were.
Thats the other thing... if you change things...then don't expect them to go back together perfectly like a puzzle. If you made the mistakes that changed a relationship or something then you can't regain how things were in a might never go back..thats the risk you took to make your mistake, to do what ever you did.
You can't change jobs and just assume things will be as easy as they were at your other job or that your co workers will be as lovely as the ones at your old why would you assume in a committed relationship...things will stay the same after hurt,betrayal,lies,mistakes...Things like that. After time these things effect a person as well. Self esteem, hobbies seem unimportant, Disorders can be caused(if self esteem gets shot then anorexia or depression could arise)Habits can come back to haunt us, decisions become irrational when our thoughts deem us of all the bad from the past or even present, Anger arises with no warning, Tears flow with no explanation that has not been explained at-least once before, thing get repeated because we are testing you to see if your story has changed or we are still searching for answers..the right answers. Everything that was is no longer. All the likes you had no longer exist. Those days without fights don't happen anymore... because anger and hurt don't go away.  
Any little hint of a lie blows up to be something huge. That person never quite understands why that happens.

When one is making mistakes they could be planning a surprise, thinking about their family, missing their family....but instead they choose to put you on the back burner so they can mess up.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Thursday finally

Well I have been coupon cutting...
Deal searching...
And I am still nothing compared to the ladies on Extreme couponing!

So I did this quick little survey thing of basics about me. Felt like I was back on myspace or something haha.

Favorite Shows- First 48, Missing persons,Americas got talent,Storage wars,Roseanne(Okay it might no longer be on but its a classic), Golden girls,Pitt Boss, Ice road trucker, American loggers, American restoration,Pawn stars, Pickers...I have a lot lol.

Favorite cold drink- Oooo toughy between cold coffee and Dr.Pepper.

Favorite Hot drink-Hot chocolate!!!

Favorite car or truck- I have a thing for tow trucks and plow trucks haha but really I love 69 Ford mustangs, Ford focus from 2000-2010, Nissan Altimas, Older Dodge rams, Older ford trucks and of course the Ford F350 extended cab... I have a few others too.

Favorite time of day- It depends on the day.

Favorite thing to do in summer-Tan,Tag sales and bbq's.

Favorite feature on yourself- ankles? lol I love my arms too.

Favorite chore-Hanging out clothes...I feel like someone from little house on the prairie. =D

Favorite Hobby- Photography.

Favorite type of shoes- Heels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is your favorite piece of clothing you own- This mini skirt and yellow tank top..the skirt because its the first one I bought after having kids and the tank top because its cheery and cute!

Favorite girly thing to do- My nails.

Favorite ice cream- Mint choc chip!

Favorite food- HAHA like I can choose just one.

So I am hoping Joe has an early night..that would be awesome. This heat has been getting the best of us all.
Nothing is planned for this weekend as of right now. 
I just totally caught myself singing to Arthur...the kid show...oy! It was a fav of mine haha.
Z has a speech appointment at the school Tuesday to help set some goals and such. 
My picture taking is good but my editing...ohhh I need work there. Not much else happening. Twilight is still doing good. All animals are well. All kids are well. Hubby has been testy lately....we agreed it stops or we divorce. Well obviously there was a lot more too it but we will see. Too much drama. And which sucks is I can take drama but Joe seems to not be able too. Again we will see. Hopefully it works out as when we can get along its fireworks.
Also trying some dieting. I have not gained but I am not losing either. So hopefully I can get my butt in gear. If it cools down I'd do more walking.
I got a lot of cleaning done so hopefully tomorrow can be a do the odd job type day and do somethings I have been wanting to do for awhile now.
I still have some presents I am getting together for people. Joes birthday is coming up as well.

So this whole sexting craze...OH I am going there. WTF is with it( I use fruit not the actual F word) anyway.... really? Really? Sexting? We can't leave anything up to the imagination these days? ok ok I am no innocent member here but I am married so its a little bit more okay..wait I am not saying I do LOL just stating that if your younger then 14...sexting is a little un needed. Not that I judge...but I will admit I do judge when people are selfish and bring kids into the world who don't get what they deserve from life because the parents are partying and not giving a damn. I know a lot say well sexting is better then real if they are sexting then they are prob doing the deed as well. Plus theres the chance others see the photos...others start bullying...Theres a high rate of trouble that goes a long with it. My views are not set in stone on this topic but I do think of how different the generations are. I tend to respect everything someone tells me that is older then me...their generations had it right. Theirs was better. My parents...I listen to them a lot...I have my moments where I spend money that I know better to spend....But otherwise I listen. 
Love is criticism if you can't take criticism then you can't respect the opportunity to learn and branch out of your thinking process.
So anywho...I am off. Gotta think of dinner. I just realized..there is not one night when its just me and the kids..that I don't make something. I stuck to my parenting style I always wanted. Clean house meal on the table at every to get them to listen..since I always thought I would have good listening kids...haha

Tootles. A few pics for the time being!
=0 Much loveeee!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Kind words

Thank you all for being so damn adorable and loving when you saw my post that was very long and had some pictures in it.
I beat around the bush a lot but..I really wanted to marry into a decent family. And lately they have been acting cruel.
Thank you thank you for the kind words and realizing I do have a heart LOL you all were so sweet and knew I don't usually write like that. I don't usually do poem like things. But when you cry in front of someone that should feel somewhat of your pain and does not. They still blame you for crap you never did it gets to you no matter if your tough as nails or as week as soggy corn flakes....
So I have days I want to be a Torrey and only a Torrey but not get rid of Joe. Him and I can work wonders together..but his family...His family is off the wall stupid. I use to adore them and think this is nice..Now I think WTF did I do!!!! Sorry for this rant but some of you wanted to hear the whole story and not just the sappy side of it. I went to my sisters on Sat and had a ball. Family smiles. Family laughs. When Joes family is around its like watching the clock stop....Went to my moms today and that was fun,all the area to run and play with the kids,helped dad do a few things around the place thats nice. Worse part is I don't think I'd dislike them if they didn't make me feel the way they do. I will not bash Joes family because thats not fair to him but my emotions run wild. I am no stranger to these people yet they act like I am the bad I spent time in jail, done weed, been drunk, crashed 6 cars.....when I have DONE NONE OF THAT! I am a good parent,I try very hard. My mom loves my kids, My sister loves my kids,My nieces and nephew seem to love them, My dad loves why can't my MIL shut the front door up and realize I can't be doing to much wrong. She has said how they need to get out more and blah blah. We try. I only have so much family and so many friends. I am not miss popular!
She also is another one who does not come and talk to the problem.  If I did something you think is unfair or mean or something come talk to me!!! If you think a status or blog is about you come talk to me. I am not afraid of drama,I am not afraid of confrontation! haha when I say that I think of my older sister,well my only sister hahaha she will tell off the biggest baddest guy in the room if she has too lol  her Aunt lana-Well I call her my aunt too but in all honesty she is no relation to me at the same way. Tough as nails. Its fun to listen to their stories. You can't tell stories with my in-laws...either your telling it wrong or its not about Joe so they don't want to hear it. I mean my MIL got mad that I didn't take pictures at MY nieces graduation party of Joe.. EXCUSE ME? You might not know my niece but telling me she should not be the center of my pics is disrespecting and I won't allow that. Not for a second. And since then me and her have been VERY rocky. Anyhow I don't run my mouth about people...let me tell you I say my feelings from my heart but I don't run my mouth and if something is secret then it stays secret. She does not get that...I confided in her and she went and told Joe...bipolar Joe...for 6 hrs last-night I was trying to calm the guy down!!! So I am not running my mouth now,I am stating it how I see it and how I feel it. I love Joe but hes not gonna be the center of something he shouldn't be. Hes not gonna get away with things he shouldn't. PERIOD. Hes my hubby and I do tell him a lot because he also has a heart and can really relate to things and feels bad for people and we talk other peoples problems out to see if we can help them. He would do my sisters floors if she asked, he will mow the lawn for my dad, he will fix a co-workers car....He understands a lot of things like I do. We don't gossip and we don't tell people things that are none of their business AND WE BOTH CAN TAKE confrontation me better then him lol. I got cursed at my niece who means the world and I figured out the problem instead of cursing back at her or taking crap out on her or talk shit about no no I said hm a 18 yr old just cursed me out.....Im getting to the bottom of this and someone will pay..and they did...dearly. =) But thats not the point we can bounce back like MIL is still mad at me for my choices I have made and I am mad at her for things from 3 yrs ago. We don't bounce back. Eggs don't bounce and neither do we. ok ok I am totally lame lol but you get what I am saying, I stand for no ones crap so I'm sick of putting on a smile and at times thats with my family too because oh my lord you can cut the tension with a butter knife some might be just someone in a mood or something was said that someone didn't like but blood family deal. In laws... unless they are Leave it to Beavers parents....most in laws could care less. But I do give many credit and again bad mouthing is not happening just explaining the strange sappy post I made the other day,yesterday was just me listening too,to many love
I can be an emotional person but I feel like people could have read that and not understood at all,not got that I wrote that from my heart and my feelings and met what I wrote. And when I mean what I write it becomes poemy-sappy crap. =) But most of you really knew something was weighing on me and that it was out of ordinary and things out of the ordinary always need to be checked on even if you have not spoken to that person for a long time or you had a fight yrs ago...the out of the ordinary could be so much more... Suicide rates are up... We need to pay attention to those signs. And you all really did. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It wasn't that troubling as I am a mom but I do worry something will happen to me and no one will ever really know me as a person. Why I like to be called Raven...Why my heart runs wild with love when it comes to dogs....Why in November I am an emotional wreck, Why I love rabbits, Why I cook and clean like the cleavers, Why I strive to be perfect... My photography, my style... so much people might have no clue about... I play dumb about things I a dog...gosh I just play stupid like I know nothing and I've never trained one before...I make comments but claim I never knew that or something...haha good thing I have no family that reads this...they would be on to me and my convos would never be the same haha. I did have a really heart felt talk with someone that actually led me to say I love you like it was saying hello or something...I hate those 3 words.... but she made me say them so easily. I told her all I needed to and walked out,she knew I met every word.  =) Feels good when you can be so honest with someone and so down right loving, down right flat out with them and they really listen. She was raised right and we all are proud of her. No you don't need to know who I'm talking about cuz well frankly sir's and Ma'ams..its none of your business. =) Well its been a good day so I don't want to think about things at all.  I am off to get ready to watch tv with the kids. Hopefully tomorrow will go by fast. And my weekend can begin. Fun fun!
Night folks!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Left out

Seems like all I write is bull crap. Stuff that I shouldn't have to write.

I feel so left out.
I feel like I am not good enough to be someone's entertainment
I feel like someone's going back to their old ways
I feel all my hard work is going down the drain.
I feel alone..
I feel not good enough
I feel like no one will ever care for me in that way I'm searching for
I feel left out
I feel disrespected
I feel like no one knows me
I feel like all my improvement means nothing
I feel like those special moments only met something to me
I feel like those every night things that mean a lot to me mean nothing to others
I feel slightly useless
I feel unwanted
I feel left out
I grow to believe what has been told to me
I grow to believe what my mind says
I learn to ignore what I can
I learn to listen to my heart
but what happens if my heart is just not good enough for some people
what happens if my trying and myself is not good enough
this is me....I will change a little as time goes on....but otherwise this is me
I clean cook nag call talk scream complain compliment try new things have ideas take care of animals love my family ...I listen.. I conquer I learn..I do so much more
those things I look forward too I want to share that with someone
I want someone to look forward to me and those moments as well
I want someone to miss me
Someone to want me
Someone to remember me
If I die tomorrow would anyone notice?
I want people to respect me
I want people to say "Shes all I need"
I want people to trust me
I want it all and more
I want to feel like the only woman he looks at
I want to feel that heart beat every night
I don't want to sleep alone
I dont want to be put last
I dont want to be alone
I don't want.......
what I here
So close....
But so far.....
No one sees my eyes hurt
No one sees my hands shake
No one hears my tears
No one hears my heart break
No one sees my hopes shatter
My dreams break
My future seems so dim
like someone turned off the lights
Someone let me down
Someone wilted my ways before I even got to them much to say so much to think
how can I keep writing through these tears
Tears of happiness tears of pain....
I feel left out.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

That surviving thought

My mind has been buzzing about things...Things that I should let go of but can't. 

A person can cry and it not be genuine. 
A person can apologize and mean it.
2 very simple thoughts..but two thoughts that have not left my mind.

When you never let a person get close to you... When you always assume you know that person even when you two have no clue about each-other because each have had a wall up.... When you don't listen to whats being said because you don't like whats being said or your not listening because that wall is up....Whats the point of pretending?

I put on this ridiculous smile, I make compliments, I am there when I am suppose to be. I try and try if someone needs help, I might fail...but I tried..thats the most someone can ask. I keep my family in check, I never come empty handed...I am on time....I try to impress...I speak honesty... I am real. I am thankful. I am caring. I know family is very important. I never bring negativity...I always bring my best. I do things I hate to do. For what? To be let down time and time again?

My family means the world to me. To be angry over something that could have been worse is dumb. If they were in my head I like to think they would love and adore me. I sat for for an hr on the way home thinking about how I could help with the skills I do have. I cried over the fact that I was not believed when I spoke the truth,how I stepped up unlike a lot of other people and quickly got over something. I acted mature...I spoke with a heart...I spoke the truth,no one had to sit there and wonder what I was really thinking or feeling because I lay things flat out for people. The complex parts I leave out but no one could handle those thoughts. 

One thing that stems from this all is the fact that no matter what you know you better then anyone. And if they don't want to take the time to get to know you then they most certainly can't judge you. If its not something you want to hear then there is no reason not to be thankful for the truth or the fact that someone tried but couldn't.

When you keep having those moments that should bring you closer and they never do... Your heart stops caring little by little. Your wall not only comes down but it goes down so far you forget these people are family and you start treating them like strangers.

I am no stranger. I am someone who has been here through thick and thin. I am no stranger. I am that one you can call at 1am. I am that one you can use as a shoulder to cry on. I am no stranger. I was born with the same genes. The same common denominator. I am no stranger. I place my hand on your back so you know I have gone no where, I make sure you never forget that I have talents,ideas,thoughts,suggestions,help to offer. I offer my talents to help you in some way. I am no stranger. I am not quiet, I am not small, I am not hilarious, I am not popular, I am not tall, I am not thin, I have a less then feminine voice, I am a advocate for animal and child abuse... I am no stranger. I may not be perfect, I may not fit your high expectations, I may not be that person that can heal your past, but am that person that never hurt you. I am no stranger. Our families may be miles apart, our families may be different ages, our families may do things differently but none the less we are family and nothing changes that. Not last names, Not distance, Not mistakes and most of all Not differences. I am no stranger. I don't judge, I listen with intent to learn and offer my thoughts. I smile to let you know its okay, I laugh to let you know "Let it go", I forgive to let you know my heart is solid, I try constantly to let you know I'm here. I am no stranger. My back has never been seen by your face...I am no stranger. 

If you had been listening you would have known those moments are the ones you remember forever. If you had been watching you would have known other peoples thoughts were not mine. If you had been learning you would have figured out I follow no one but the beat of my own path. The beat of my own drummer that only exists in my head. I say these words out loud before I type them, I hear the down in my voice that no one else creates except you. 

I have lost many over the years. Friends and family and even acquaintances that I never got to know as well as I would have liked. I have watched that clock tick by.. I have watched what happens when people put a middle person in and never hear what the  other person at the other end thinks or really even said. They just count on the distance.

Distance. Its something between objects.  That phone call you never made. That convo you never had. Those facts you heard from someone else. That compliment you might never get to say. That proudness you never get to show. Its time to cut that middle person out. Its time to memorize numbers. Its time to stop acting like we are kids.

I read books and imagine my life being like the people in it... I imagine those huge family get together. Those moments where everyone cars about nothing but that moment. Where no one cares what they get for christmas. No one cares what others make for an income. Where mood changes are common and accepted. Where no one hides things. Where people listen and be thankful.

When someone says "I don't like blank but since others like space - buy space" And you hunt for hrs looking for that blank because you feel like what they said was more of an insult then a sweet unselfish statement.... Then its time to reevaluate how you think and how you look at this world.
Those moments where you don't want to be alone and you feel alone against the world...when you feel like nothing you do is right... reevaluate the people who come and go in your life. Evaluate what people say and do for you. Cry a little. Yell a little. Throw something. Just don't always blame others. It could be others. It could be some others or everyone. It could be you. It could be something wrong. Something bothering you. Counseling might even be needed? It never hurts to wrack your brain and figure out what caused the anger and sadness.

I personally find myself angry at people who are no longer alive or even in my life. I can feel myself taking my anger out on others. I can sense my attitude.  You can not go your whole life mopping around and trying to make things about you.  You can't search for perfection when you are not even sure of yourself. You can't expect to get perfection if you do not fix the flaws.

I could go on about this depressing topic but what is said is said and when it clicks it will click. No amount of words or my time is going to make it click. I can just hope.

A few photos that mean a lot to me recently. 

A few quotes as well.

"When others seem emotional, its not over reacting but something deeper... maybe even a good bye so never take those raw emotions for granted." 

"Raw emotion is the best cure for a broken heart"

"Weak  people can pretend... Strong  people ask others for help"
"Never compare yourself to others-As you will be searching for that perfect forever"
"Speak those unspoken words before there becomes to chance too"
"To be brave means to step out of that box, out of your element and shine brighter then you ever have before!"

"Treat others how you want to be treated" "People can see through a fake personality" 

"An eye for an eye and the whole world is blind"

" Take those conversations and remember them like a photograph"
"Little boys learn the most from their grandfathers"
"When something could have been worse, Don't dwell, Dwell on what didn't happen and count your blessings"

"Say good bye each time you leave, You never know if it will be the last one"
"Fear is never ones fault..."

Enjoy your week!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

No coincidence

So many thoughts are boiling in my head. 
I have not written here for awhile but its time because I am just not happy with my life.
Joe. Yes thats right. Hes not doing bad bad things but theres NO trust there between him and I. Anything he promises gets broken. If he does something he shouldn't have like nothing bad but say he leaves after we talked about it 100 times saying it makes no sense when he leaves,only cowards run away and he does..well I do something out of anger then as well because I don't know where he is or what hes doing. I have to play mom still and get no time to think or come down to earth or what ever needs to be done.
But I did figure out what his issue is. He does a lot behind my back. Money,Convos,telling people off that are my friends,naughty magazines,porn...Its like his obsession is stuff done behind my back and I figured that out today I figured out his mental state is not normal. Is he the only guy I know like this? No. Is he the only married guy I know like this. No. But he is suppose to be better then all the rest. He's suppose to be tan muscular standing out front of our house with the white picket fence....WELL thats my dream anyway instead we fight like crazy because he never thinks what he does is wrong or if I do something to make him angry or upset him he never sits and thinks about why or what would cause me to do something out of my character and upset him-He just blocks everything out. Never comes off that damn high horse and realizes "Dang" and then go from there "I hurt her" "She had a reason to be mad" "That was our agreement" or even an apology or a hug to tell me he understands. I have understood everything for 4 years. His stupid selfish actions for 4 years. He has no right to be angry at anything I do unless its cheating on him really. 
I could tell him this all. Actually I do. I don't gossip with girlfriends I go right to the source and hes all cuddly and cute then he does it again. When does this cycle stop? I am not hurt now even though I understand how much mentally he is not a husband.  I don't cry myself to sleep thats not what this post is. This post is me building up the courage to change my life now before it gets worse. He has issues.
1. Gets off doing stuff behind my back.
2. Never thinks deeply about a persons actions
3. Says one thing does another.
4. Does not understand the emotion hurt
5. Fights to easily with someone he claims to love
6. Leaves to easily.
7. Lies and hides to much.
8. Never realizes what he has.
9. Never makes it up after doing something off base.
10. Not who I thought he was
Bottom line thats throwing no punches right there.  I hate the word love. Gosh do I  hate it. And I would never had gotten married if I hadn't..*gasp* thought or knew in this case I was ick love..ew yuck w/e with him. lol but this is not love this is me always angry always something I'm not. I am hiding behind a hobby to act happy. 
On a good day I see hope on a bad day I see surrender.
There are too many bad days now. There is too much for me to wonder and doubt. There is to much bring my self esteem down. There is too much breaking us up. Not sure its a fight I wanna fight. Again this is not a mushy post,I don't do mushy but I do, do honesty. 
People assume I am angry but never stop to say "Maybe shes not as she never told me she was" No one thinks with that mentality anymore.  What goes on in my head 95% of the time will get said especially if its something towards someone or to do with someone. I am not fake. Thats where Joe and I are different. He hides to much for a married father of 2.  I have my secrets but they are not ones that would make him doubt everything about me and the relationship. He knows me. What I have bottled up probably would not surprise him in the slightest. What I find is obnoxious self esteem beating gestures that were also lied to me about. 
Another thing people never quite understand...if you don't ask then your not lying. When I am asked things I tell the truth when I am accused,I fuss up.  My husband never asks so I have no need to tell. Its not lying. If he really cared he would ask or accuse. See accusations can be an insult if they are coming from a hypocrite or a butt but if your sincere and they are real thoughts and real emotions its not an insult its a "someone cares" gesture someone who notices and is protective of their heart. He actually lies and he will look you in the eye and lie. Its ridiculous. 
I am not a drunk, I am not filthy, I don't own a pair of "mom jeans", I wear t-shirts only at night, I cook,  I have hobbies, I am not out with the girls numerous times a week, we don't nee to share the vehicle cuz where I am he is ( something cute we do only if the rest of the relationship worked),Heels and cocktails are fine by me. I am comfortable with who I am. My heart MOST the time is in the right place, I love the same shows as him, I brag, I work at what I need to change, I'm thankful, I am open minded ;-)... I hate saying good things about me but he just never seems to get those good things unless hes having a good day...and with him working night shifts good days are so far and in-between. I've been wanting for a month to get pics of him and I. Nothing.
Just too frustrating. He says he smokes for stress reasons. Funny this blog express's a lot of stress and I smoked 1 cigarette a month. Sometimes not even that. So how am I suppose to deal with my stress?  I have no escape like his coward self does.  Insults roll off my tongue but if its a good day, compliments for him are just as easy. =) But today is not a good day. This week has not been a good week. But no woe is me here,just stating. My life is not crappy it just has its moments. I need to analyze whats right and whats wrong and figure out what will and won't work.
Simple. Not soap opera. Just reality.

Tomorrow..ta da! Is my dads 81st birthday! Woot woot! We are going up and of course I will be taking lots of pictures. I am making a trifle dessert  and my mom is making the meal. Can't wait! Hopefully it will be a good day. Wish I could have gotten him something.
Then Sunday is a trip to Bennington.  Oy! Busy busy now only if I had a man by my side!
Getting more angrier the more I type so I am off!
Write more often I hope.