Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Feeling good

I can not express to you enough,all you followers and who read this...if you think for a moment something is about you and you don't like it or your confused...ASK MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! But from here out names will be involved so no more confusion. =) And regular thoughts need no names because they are just thoughts about things not anyone or how anyone does anything just things I wonder or question...No issue people so don't bring the tissues...sorry I had this really huge urge to rhyme. I say it how it is but I don't need to have the last word..so if you wanna come talk,argue,fight...that's cool by me lol. I'm not a lover. I'd rather scream it out then roll my eyes and ignore you. Or feel like I'm in the 4th grade and giving your the silent treatment because you said I was your only friend and I caught you playing with the new girl.lol. We must all understand lying isn't really my thing when it comes to peoples feelings,if you ask me "hey I know you were talking about me with that statement in your blog" or something I'm not gonna freeze and lie because you put me on the spot..BAM right out the horses mouth "yea your damn right that was about you" lol or "nah someone else" Simple.Period.

So with that said lets talk about the game of life.

I went to my moms today to help paint,my dad does not want to lower the price on their house so hes trying to fix it up...yet with their budget things don't get done the right way. And the fact my aunt&Uncle is coming in less the a week they are in a hurry. Hes 80....now 30 anymore..he should have done these projects back then! I'm having a small problem dealing with the put-down honesty my mother gives me that she don't give my sister. She tells me I should have or she did it this way or only I do it this way and blah blah that she never does to my sister. Something in my house she will point out is wrong or Joe did wrong,or I let the kids do or something...Its hard too explain so I'm thinking of bailing on her my sister and my aunt next weekend when they go to the mall because I have no money its not a good time while we crack jokes about me but praise my sister(WHICH SHE DESERVES) but then listen to how poor my mom is and how my Uncle does nothing for my Aunt..not really a good time to me. She nit picks at me.Irritating.Love her to death...but getting enough of it.
Getting my truck newer tires,rotated,balanced and aligned I think tonight,Well Joe is. 
Joes lovely stupid ass brother never said happy Birthday to him...nor did a few of his other family members.Boo to them. Should have figured. They are trying to have a reunion and I refuse to go because if they couldn't come for a wedding then I can't go to a Reunion end of story.
Funny...I just realized there was wood that is not ours in my backyard lol....thinking the handy man was here for the windows...not sure lol. Sad that I'm just now noticing it after being home for 2 hrs.
Anyway I forgot to put the roast I had in the crackpot on before I left...so it won't be done now until 6:30ish. Take the roast and gravy and pouring it over egg noodles. Simple and I get to use my crackpot. =) Forgot I had laundry in the washing machine...man I act like I'm 50 something.Stupid memory..what helps the brain...fish? Figures I hate fish.I eat no seafood what so ever.
This heat is making me lazy. I hate it. No cleaning.No work out.Rawr!My fault for having excuses I know that people.
I hear the kids so I shall go get ready for them to be up.Gating off my kitchen to see if that keeps them out of it.Too hot to harp and nag and yell and have them not listen to not a single word of it while they continue to get into stuff in the kitchen.
FYI-I am trying to drink only water....haha

Sunday, August 29, 2010


Very hot afternoon. Very boring Sunday. Joes mom came up since its his birthday tomorrow...Me and her don't get along so that made for a hard morning. I can't seem to find any good pictures around here.Thats my soothing technique to go and take pictures but there's none to take. BBQ for lunch,YUM! I put zucchini and potatoes with 3 tbs butter and garlic salt,paprika and minced onion mixed it all and cooked it for about an hr sounds like a long time but I wanted the Zucchini to kinda of "melt" into the potatoes since I had cut it so thin I knew cooking it that long would do that all that would be left would be the skin..TASTED so good. Sipping cold coffee as I type this...trying to think of something I can whip up for me and the kids for dinner since Joes mom bought him an ice cream cake and he had another piece for his dinner lol.
Another thing on my mind is the kids have been waking up either early in the morning or early in the morning like 5am...weirding me out..not sure whats going on. =(
I kinda wish too that I could be happy that its Joe's birthday and I could brag about our marriage and his family and blah blah...but no...he only got two things for his b-day that were actual presents...his dad paid our electric bill...how embarrassing and no fun for Joe,since that was his gift and his mom gave him 90 bucks to do something to the truck..forget what it is. The money will go in Joes pocket and probably go towards snack foods,cigarettes,soda's...that stuff adds up and he don't need it. He was a lot skinner when we meant and I'm bringing that up because he ate better then. Now its sugar sugar sugar. you can see the lack of health in his nails,they are all yellow,see it in his teeth,he gets so many more pimples now...just annoying. A man don't need to be on top of his hygiene but a shower every other day works better for me then every other week.... I want to brag about what I got Joe but nope there was no money to get him anything. Just no fun being negative all the time and I know people either say I'm exaggerating or say I'm ungrateful or something when that's not it. Its really not as perfect as a lot of peoples families. Wish it was. In the beginning I talked a lot of Joe and about Joe..his family and I never got along...but that's just the way it will be. I would love to be all "Happy Birthday to the best husband ever! Love you!" Well first of all I'm not that mushy and I don't think a guy who is always the center of my problems is up for the "Best Husband" of the year award.
He makes the money and he has his good days. Thats all I got for right now. We're trying. It was nice today because he understood and talked to me about why I was really anti his mom right now and dealt with me being a little antisocial and at the same time we worked together to get lunch on the table all at once. That was nice. Just wish he was taught better habits. Like when I man speaks he does what he says.Sticks by his word. Joe can tell me today he will  never drive off again and tomorrow he will drive off. Wish  his mother told him to stop smoking or he else he better get a grave right next to his grandfather now...Wish his dad told him to stop acting like an ass towards a women. I'm pretty cool,no need to be a dick about things. Of course his dad don't see that side because I refuse to get along with someone who won't have those talk to talks with his son to help him handle life better. I would love to stop venting about any Arbore.lol.
Any-who trying to come to peace with September 7th coming around...trying my best,there might be some sappy posts coming. Joe did say I was better this year because I'm showing emotion...only prob is everyone thinks I'm mad.Lol. I don't know when I'm giving looks,I don't notice my attitude....Ah well.
Off too more then likely cook some perogies and something for dinner.

And dear Heat wave-You can leave now.I'm over it. Thanks.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A few changes never hurt anyone!

Today I got some little boy underwear for Stefano..we will start tomorrow on the potty training!
The front yard is looking amazing. The backyard is doing better with grass then it was so that's a plus. My mood seems a tad better. Its the nice weather. The house that is where my dads old farmhouse was and the land that my brother died on is up for sale...that's a little hard to deal with. A lot of memories come attached to that land...the house means nothing because they tore down the farmhouse. Its 113 acres. Raspberry field,two out buildings plus the house which is listed on mansion. Its going $895,900. I can't imagine if some loser buys it and ruins it or takes the land down where the incident with my brother happened. The guy that bought it knows the history knows what certain parts mean. I was 7 when we moved but that house I remember a lot more better then I remember even last month. Going to go up and get pictures when the people are not there. So look for them.

Its lunch time and what did I eat- Reese's peanut butter cups....Lazy me didn't feel like cooking so I go and mess my diet up.Oy! Had a late breakfast...that was probably the problem. Just a week or so more till my Aunt and Uncle from Cali come up! Yay. Just wish I had something to show....No nice house,no nice car....can't treat anyone to lunch....Grrrr. They are high maintenance but not in a bad way and a little on the rich side but Aunt Audrey is my and has been my fave aunt!Lots of pics will be taken.
Got a few things done this morning before all the chaos. Now if only I could be financially set so that a new camera and lens could be in my future and my weight on my side...life would be super duper! Been checking out the new show Melissa and Joey on ABC family. Awesome show,really funny.
Trying to get some good shots lately but either I don't go anywhere,or what I want pictures of I can't have...or my camera does not cooperate!  Did clean the rabbits cage,Mouse cage later then I'm done with animals lol.
Anywho off to take a few pictures,then find lunch then clean up a little. =)


Friday, August 27, 2010

What I've learned

People ask me why I'm mad instead of "Whats wrong?" I realize this is more then likely my fault since I'm 100% RAWR.  I speak my mind and I do get angry easily. I go by two things that most people don't like: Never leave a job unfinished or a problem unsolved. I've been told I over-analyze,I think to much....not sure why that gives everyone a free pass to just assume I'm angry and only have one emotion.
I might be angry at the world lately but I'm not being snappy to anyone. I let my neighbors borrow things,put a smile on for family,get dressed every day,there for friends who need me and pushing myself to loose weight..all at the same time I want to answers to my questions and while having days I just hate the world.  It all ties into my brothers death..I'm angry days because I feel like he had a million talents and I can't find one...Remind me why I'm still here and hes not. I have sad days when I realize my family is not close...as close as it would be if he was here. I have my days where people all around me annoy me because all I really wanna do is sit and talk to god about why he chose the path he did for Keith. I know I can't.I know my answers will never be answered. And when I sit and think..its the worse. I realize 20yrs have gone by....20yrs of tears...20yrs of flipping through photos of him. 20yrs of distance with my one and only sibling left.20yrs of questions. Yrs in between of almost taking the same path.Yrs in between of cutting.Yrs in between of pushing to be something I wasn't. Its a bigger picture then I'm just mad. =/
Enough today is Friday,My favorite day of the week lol. I gotta admit I dressed like its 70 out or something and its only 52....oops.Hope it gets warmer. Joe didn't sell his car to that guy,he FINALLY started getting the bad feeling I had,had the whole time.Hes gotta trust and listen a little more to me. Should be out of the negatives as of today.Yay!!! But I have no rent money...scary and gonna be really hard to catch up now.
Well must find a health breakfast...workouts alone is not gonna do enough. =)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Intense workout tonight=Me feeling fantastic. Little sore.
Think the rain is finally over but not sure. Got some cleaning to do tomorrow and that's about it. Now that I think about it I had Mudvayne playing in the background while I worked out,that was prob why it went so well. It seems this week has gone by really fast but yet not fast enough,I enjoy the weekends a little to much I think haha. I think I need to do some creative pictures that are sexy like my first one I uploaded to 365(a picture site) and maybe throw in a self portrait of some kind. It takes me lots of tries and thoughts before I get what I want perfect,its hard to be creative on a dime for me. It takes me awhile to think of the arty crafty creative fun things most people can think of right away lol. I can't go into a antique store and find things to use for other things or find something with potential or anything.
Any-who Shower and some TV for me. Hopefully Stefano goes to bed and stays in bed. Last night he was up twice once I think because he just wanted daddy and the other he peed through which is strange. Not sure if hes having nightmares and it makes him pee more or what. Hope his perfect nights don't stop!Hard to type tonight as something is making it so I type but I cant see what I'm typing until it catches up with me.Totally not cool.
Write tomorrow.

Recipe Wednesday

I'll still blog about my day but each Wednesday I want to share one of my many recipes I coo or have saved to make or that I just generally think is a good recipe!

Today's recipe I have not tried. But has great reviews! Its simple and saves money if you make your own instead of heading out to Dunkin donuts every day. =) Its what I call budget Dealing. A recipe that helps the budget! Enjoy!

What You Need

6 Tbsp. ground MAXWELL HOUSE Coffee, any variety
3 cups  cold water
2 cups Milk

Make It

PLACE coffee in filter in brew basket of coffee maker. Add water to coffee maker; brew.
COOL completely. Pour coffee into pitcher. Add milk; stir until well blended. Serve immediately or refrigerate until ready to serve.
SERVE over ice cubes in 5 tall glasses. Add sugar to taste, if desired.

Kraft Kitchens Tips

Prepare as directed, using fat-free milk.
Special Extra
Chill coffee drinks without diluting the flavor with coffee ice cubes. To prepare, pour additional cooled brewed MAXWELL HOUSE Coffee into ice cube trays. Freeze until solid. Add to your favorite coffee drink just before serving.
Substitute YUBAN Coffee for the MAXWELL HOUSE Coffee.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Tsk tsk

Instead of working out extra hard yesterday I walked around all day pissy and ate ice cream before bed....*Bangs head on desk*
Why am I pissy. Eh I hate being told one thing then they tell Joe something different.Money of course,Joes friend that annoys me to no end,My friend is being completely stupid once again,I'm suppose to be looking forward to seeing my favorite aunt EVER who I'm seeing for the first time in two years...and being broke is not really how I wanna go into this visit. AHHHH. Those are the only reasons. Nothing major just nagging irritating reasons. Then today I notice Joe got up at around 4:45...he usually gets up at 5 and put the computer on...HM do I even dare look at my history and kill him then go to jail???? OH for you who do not know...I do not tolerate porn.End of discussion. I will whoop your ass if you try egging on my husband or think its fine to do when your MARRIED. I don't give a flying diamond what you do in your college days or your high school days but here and now you knock the crap off. =) Yea I'm mean...bad and mean! haha

Its 61 out!!! Fall?? Little insight I love fall I don't love fall. September....I don't do so good with that month...at the beginning and at the end of August you all will just see a huge change in my personality,how I carry myself,how I dress... September 7th...That and November 21st(think that's right,I get really dumb when start even thinking about this topic) so I guess where I'm going with this is..I apologize now for the way I act for the stupid things I might do or say. I get this way every year around this time. I do around Thanksgiving too. What it comes down too is I after 20yrs(it will be on Sept 7th)still do not and can't accept the death of my brother. I get mean,I get hostile,I get depressed...it varies. I tend to take things out on people even more if they have no clue of why I'm upset.                  Fall is so beautiful. So colorful.So cooling.So refreshing.My birthday falls in October.Thanksgiving.Halloween(Even though I don't celebrate all of it)No trick or treating in this house)
I love picture taking all fall ,I never stop. And lets not forget my middle name is..Autumn. =) Little upset I have to stop wearing mini skirts lol.
Ah well.Kids are still sleeping,I have no idea what we are doing today. Took out chicken for dinner. Feels odd being in pants haha
Love you all.Remember if you had no idea till now why I am acting like a down right bitch and taking everything and over analyzing it and being just a pain in the ass....there's a reason. =( I do it even more to people who heard of him,saw him a few times,knew him slightly...knew of him...w/e..I tend to take my pain out on them even more.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Why? and I have

Why must the 800 service call me so early in the morning?
Why out of about 8 cats around here,my cat gets blamed for everything?
Why after 3 yrs of knowing us can people not remember my cats names,colors,that THEY ARE FIXED and what sex they are??????????
Why do people do stupid things like not spay and neuter their animals?
Why have I had the Ab Roller for about 2 yrs and never used it until recently??
Why must my kids climb on chairs all day long?
Why when I get into a routine someone decides to change it on me?
Why do people want curly hair? I have it and its no fun. LOVE your straight hair people.
Why did I lie? Okay I technically didn't...But Joes right I don't like cake lol unless its from hannafords. or Friendly's ice cream cakes.
Why does 62 still feel really hot to me but in winter I will die in that degrees. lol
Why can't I pick up my camera and get some good shots lately?
Why is it that I have a big heart but no way to express it?
Why do I keep finding skinny pictures of myself?
Why for freaking goodness sakes did I ever think at a 108lbs I was FAT??????? UGH!
Why is my son so smart...but barely speaks?????
Why do I feel like the two kids I have will be all I have?
Why do I have a very low tolerence for crying?
Why do I feel like what my cat did was Karma for all the times you scared her???

I have noticed that I only drink ocean spray juice...And its almost always Cranberry something or plain Cranberry. UNTIL they put out the blueberry stuff,mmmm that's good.
I have lost interest in a few things over the years. I use to have a huge obsession with Eminem..no more...I can't seem to get back into jewelry making...

Its Monday...Its dark...Its rainy...Not a really great combo. I have a things I want to get done but the kids just want to keep messing up right behind me. They have this obsession with my kitchen that's getting on my last nerve. Any-who on a good note,my windows should get done in the next couple weeks,I only have 7 but gotta wait out the rain and stuff. Yesterday I went through the kids clothes and realized besides some 24mo summer clothes for Zueda and some 3t summer clothes for Stefano they are all set for a little while!! Thanks to some very cool people! Saves money and shows that I am far from stingy,I'll take what I can get!
Off to do somethings! Sloppy joes for lunch with my mom.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Rainy rainy day

Its a rainy day in the neighborhood...Rainy days are not good in this house...We are sarcastic wise ass's lol and the kids are bored! Not a good combo!
Example I just asked  Joe while he was in the bathroom..."Is it a long one?" MEANING is lunch a longer taking one to be done...he replies with "Its about 3ins right now...." I just hung my head and had to blame myself for that one LOL.
The rain just brings out my humor I love to have fun anyway but if I cant run around outside and do stuff I get really creative in my head...Joe hasn't even gotten dressed...its just one of those days.  I found myself out in a skirt and flip flops draining puddles in my yard..yea I could have thrown on jeans and sneakers but hey something to laugh about. The cars going by prob thought I was on a crack...or a prostitute...Which ever.lol Its hard to embarrass me,might get a little shy about something but embarrassed nah. I love being me. Don't be mad at me for not knowing my moods...Its one of those things like when people ask "Are you mad at me?" you say no and they go "You sure" "I know your mad at me" Then your like "Well yea now I am cuz your annoying me!" lol
A fun Sunday. Most the time my weekends are fun. Had a few bad ones and sometimes if its a three day weekend Friday gets ruined. But over all its fun & Funny. Remember I am human too and just because you don't think does not mean I don't and I know what you mean by how you say it. I know what your up to by your body language and if I'm mad at ya you'll know it. Simple. Ask before you assume. =)
Off to eat lunch!

Survey Sunday

10 things that you enjoy:

1.Is this rated pg???? or can I be completely honest?????lol
7.Sunny warm days
8.My family

9 Things that annoy you:  [I can only pick 9 out of like a 100?]
2.People who don't return stuff
4.People who exaggerate to make it more drama-full
5.Misbehaving children
6.Chick flicks
8.People who talk behind peoples back..the truth hurts I understand that but I'm still gonna say stuff to you..maybe after I vent to my hubby but I'll say it lol

8 Things that scare you:
2.Anything with a stinger
3.Pincher bugs
4.Monkeys. At the zoo I refuse to get too close...
5.Being broke
6.My body....lol
7.My out of control attitude.
8.Creepy looking people. Not being judgmental its my anxiety that does that.

7 Foods you like:
3.Grilled Hot dogs
5.Shepherds pie
7.Cape cod Chips

6 Things you want to learn more about:
1.Health in general
5.Enviromental Science

5 Favorite actress's:
1.Raven Symore
2.Jennifer Aniston
3.Jane Fonda
4.Betty White
5.Jodie Foster

4 Random things about you;
1.I cant stand a dirty kitchen
2.I like rainy days
3.I don't just like football...baseball and basketball are up on my list too
4.I like knowing everything.....=)

3 of your worst habits: [Oh goodness]
1.Rated R =D
2.Getting angry very easily.
3.I get physical very easily.

2 Things you want people to understand about you: [Theres a lot more then two]
1.My anxiety.
2.I have more then 2 emotions,just because I am acting like a bitch does not mean I am angry or mad.

1.Whats a secret of yours:
1.I'm competing with someone who has no idea....

Saturday, August 21, 2010


I'm not one for a pre game because like my dad I believe that one season ends another one begins so when baseball is over and its football then we will be right there by our tvs. And I like all the amped up nervousness,excitement for the actual season. I don't want to judge my team when they might not be playing with all they got because they don't want injuries...BUT this is a Steelers Giants game....Joe=Giants Me=Steelers. You know how I love to compete,bet...etc. SO this is my thing! GO STEELERS. Joes grandfather who passed away shared the same passion with me about the Steelers. Like to think of him while the games go on. And a friend that I havent talked to in way to long is a huge Steelers fan. Miss him and hope to talk to him soon. But his life took him one way and mine the other. We were best friends at one time. Thinking of you Chris!=) The Steelers mean so much more then just a game...but it is a game and it is my team my one and only fave team..so its on!!!!!! GO STEELERSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where to begin

The problem with living my life...is you get excited and happy for things just to be let down. Joe had a three day weekend from work,Yippie! I had plans,no anxiety Thursday because I knew that he would be off for three days..I thought some Joe and I time...BUT no. The finances..then Joe not wanting to save money OR put the money we did have in my account to make it at least 0 so no fees. The electric gets shut off this week and I only owe 161!!! We were so close to paying it all up then BAM all the good went bad,when it rains it really frickin pours!!!! Last night was horrible. Joe took my money that I had to buy a cell phone which helps with my anxiety a lot when I am out or if its a storm and we lose power...to  buy cigarettes...Just crushed me how insensitive he became in 10mins....And he was the one who lost his pack he left them on top of his car and drove off...but yet again I get punished for his action. For the first time since having kids I had to put them down for a nap because I couldn't take/handle anymore,10am is nap time and I put them down at 9:40am I know its not a big difference but because of why I put them down I feel even more upset. I thought I could wake up today and start fresh...but then my mom asked me to go shopping and out to eat,she pay for things...perfect time to de stress have some fun,be spoiled by my mom...etc...and I had to turn her down because I'm literally depressed today...I also knew Joe was sleeping in and there was no waking him up or it would be another fight another heart breaking day for me. I really hate that I couldn't go. I hate that my husband took money for him because of HIS mistake...I hate that he never has to deal with consequences. I left the ciggs on his car so that means he has to wait till the next morning to COUNT HIS CHANGE not take money from me that was for something from someone..before getting ciggs...Just can't get over that....can't get over he was never taught to deal with the consequences of his accidents or mistakes or stupidity...Hes trying to be nice this morning but how can that make up for anything...how can that take back his words he spoke or the actions he did...or how I look at him or how I think of him. Hes no longer that guy I brag about or drool over....He's always had masculinity and knew how to use it-Example.Hard worker,finish's the jobs he starts,helps out when I need it,protective and well HOT! haha love his biceps...but now hes a little punk 14yr old his held on to his moms boob for too long and thinks he can get away with everything and that no one will suffer..or if they do its not his problem...since I found out about my account I haven't been okay....I have been just angry..pure anger. His mom taught him you mess up I'll bail you out...you make a mistake I'll cover your ass...you have an accident I'll take care of it....I didn't crush his ciggs in a fight I didn't throw them away...HE drove off with them and lost them...YET now I can't go and buy something I was really looking forward to buying. BECAUSE I didn't spend my money fast enough like Joe does...I lost it...I proved I can keep money and not spend it on anything but what its intended for and I get a slap in the face...a lot of people can't do that or won't do that....and he should have been proud and pushing for me to go get the phone...instead he used it to his advantage...How is that sexy? How am I suppose to love or indulge in someone like that? I can't. I don't see hot anymore I don't go places with him to show him off cuz I know the real him and its nothing to brag about.... If he got it together life would be grand. If he stopped being obsessed with things he should not be obsessed with...stopped messing up..STOP SPENDING MONEY WE DON'T HAVE! Theres no bail out money there's no Joe's ciggs money..HE even has the patch...No fighting just arguing. No running away. If we had it all together we would have everything we ever needed. Maybe not material wise but mentally and physically... I would have a guy back to lets use the words...fantasize,miss,love,indulge in,brag about,be turned on by(sorry if tmi)...Someone to impress me with his every breath...someone I can say I love you too....3yrs I only say it back to him I never just say it....ew. Marriage is a lot of womens dream I have it but I'm living a dream I don't want anything to do with and its not my dream...my dream is to have someone who understands that if you work as hard as you do (and Joe does)then be proud and show it...you can't show it by being broke....you can't show it by messing up credit,the future&all the work we already accomplished. Right now and I know he feels this way..right now its work work work for Joe but nothing to show for it. WELL DUH there would be if you'd stop friggin' messing up! In just a few weeks we were already what we call "on top of things" as much as we can be and that was fun because I had a surprise for Joe and putting money in his pocket that was for him and only him. Yay! Finally everyone was in a good mood blah blah and then this. And now there's no getting out of it but doing things Joe and I both don't want to do...sell his car...get involved in selling a car.....But money can't come fast enough... So we both are on edge...theres no closeness in this house at all...and trust me Joe and I can be that really icky couple who is cute and lovely and clingy lol and there's been none of that and I'm just at my wits end with putting being treated like shit and BOY would I like so kick his mother around for raising a menace then putting him into society with no life lessons!
All and all venting has helped...I just need to wait and see...everything happens for a reason..maybe some talking with Joe will  help...and maybe the beginning of September I can ask my mom to go shopping with me. Tomorrow is my parents anniversary. I believe its 27 or 28 years together. =)
Must change my mood. I can do this. I can help Joe be who he needs to be and can be,I've seen it.Wouldn't have married him if I didn't think he had amazing talents and amazing attributes about him. Marriage was never a big deal to me...so its not like I rushed it or anything because if I never got married I would have been fine with it. As it is Joe and do not have rings anymore (Got thrown out by a little kid named Stefano) so no one can really tell we are married anyway.
I just wish he had the role model who would knock some sense into him but ooo wee I deff don't want his mom talking to him she would tell him everything HE shouldn't be doing. Joe knows how I feel so he understand where I hide and he will prob read this lol. Please don't think I hide things,as angry as I am I'm not gonna hide or bottle things up from a guy I live with haha. We know my views on playing miss independent when I don't need too. =)
Off to see if I can make myself feel better...maybe if I change into a more "me" type outfit instead of an all black depressed outfit... =)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Money needs to grow on trees

Making this quick so doing it sentences.
I need 826 to make my problems go away.
Joe wants to sell his car.
That scares me.
A second vehicle is good to have.
Landlord was good about it said he would give us some time to get rent together
hes also replacing our windows.
But that does not solve our problem.
My bank does not understand that I'm not f'ing them over.
I'm still in debt.
My credit Just really went down the crapper.
I hate bitching about money.
I feel like an annoyence.
I feel like I should scream and cry and all I wanna do is smoke and hide.
I hate emotion.
I hate even more..showing emotion.
Eating a comfort food for dinner,screw the diet.
I have a list of stuff I wanted more for:Dump(lots of stuff that cant go with garbage),carpet cleaner and some paint.
I need to keep my faith.
Not take my anger out on other people.
Which happens when I let things build up.
I need to let out what I'm feeling.

Good Morning!

Lets just start off but right here right now addressing a small problem I have..FOR about 5 or more years I have had this ex,Super cool guy who I have allowed to call me some form of Hillary..My real name..NOW I love my real name I just love my nicknames and it makes me feel people have something to remember me by and confuse other people lol. I think some of Joes family members still don't know my name. Well this morning I was being a little harsh as someone called me "Hil" when they have a nickname for me...I wasn't happy. THEN bam here comes the ex now awesome friend so lets call him that now...Comes on and calls me something I do not hear much anymore...Hillsaberry not even sure if that's how he spells it. THAT was a main nickname for me back in the day because I dated a J.Berry. So Hillsaberry. And it stuck even though the relationship did not lol. Joe forget it..he said Hillary once and that was at the alter lol that's what he calls me obviously when talking to my family BUT hes never called me Hillary..EVER. Actually come to think of it....Raven has only been said maybe 20 times.....Yup my name is babe and hun in this house.Hm. Ah well.Its a type of insult when you have called me a name for so long then BAM call me something you know I'm going to have a problem with.
Again a case where I do nothing to someone for them to be a penis back to me! Ugh! Lets admit we will never get along. End of story.
Any-who Joes off tomorrow so hoping today will go by fast. I have a feeling today might be a "Getting off my chest" type of day. Ah.But thats okay because I don't drink lol and drugs are not involved so venting is all I got!


Wednesday, August 18, 2010


This blog really helps me express how I feel. All my blogs have done that. So after a brief talk with the hubby I think we are slowly getting back on track. Ice cream and hot chocolate which means my dance and yoga meant nothing tonight but hey you only live once. =)

Just slightly annoyed

I don't get it. Raising kids is not rocket science. Its hard but not rocket science. If the child only acts up when your around they are trying to get your attention.Duh! You come in with the kids you bring in what the brought out or you ask for help..A simple task you blow out of the water because you sat your fat butt down already. Cursing..a no..no..noo. Are we trying to get me to talk to you like a child? Guess what kids like to do..They like to play..why don't you try playing with them. Hmmm. I refuse to get a house or a dog or anything like that until Joe understands to look around him and stop thinking about himself. Stop...relax..look around...accomplish...Relax again...Simple thing to live by. What you accomplish now you don't later...so that means no getting up,no running back and fourth and no being an ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong you got your good days but they are far and few in between...You say your gonna do something and we will work together then BAM I find myself working alone and I kept what I said all day for 9hrs then in a 30mins lash you confuse the kids and ruin everything I worked 9hrs accomplishing with the kids. KEEP YOUR WORD! KEEP YOUR PROMISES. Why don't you actually change do you EVEN have a clue of how aggravating it is to see someone TALK a lot of good then DO NOTHING to change so they continue to be a burden and annoyance on people who are PUTTING up with them????????? NO you have no clue,but I sure as hell do!
Do what your say. Say what you'll do.Change for the better.Make someone proud. Stop making me write these rants! JUST STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could freakin scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be who you were when we first met. BE THE BETTER PERSON!!!! Think before you speak or act. Love before you get angry. Hide what you do not want your children knowing. Be kind before your mean. Enjoy and relax before you yell and hate. Simple.

Lets do a little random

25 random things about me. What comes to mind I write. Simple.

1. I don't sleep well for being only 22
2.I hate when I have to ask for my stuff back that other people borrowed. That annoys me.
3.Kiwi is my favorite fruit.
4.I was in advanced English in school.
5.I DO NOT own an ipod.
6.I hate doing dishes
7.Pens with red ink are my favorite.
8.I can type without looking at my fingers.
9.17 is my favorite number
10.I hate being married. haha I do,I don't like people going  "Aw" when I tell them its annoying how about I just say hes my sex partner? Then will you say "Aw"??? lol Or the minute they see you have kids then they MUST find out if your married because if your not...well that's just not right...*rolls eyes*
11.I have a favorite Aunt!
12.I don't drink soda but I splurge on Dr.Pepper because its well...the BEST!
13.I have about 80 pieces of clothing in the attic that if I got down to weight I could wear!
14.I hate Camping.
15.Deep water just freaks me out.
16.I only wear thongs. WHAT!? it was something that popped in my head!
17.I have only cried at one funeral.
18.I like watching gymnastics. SHOCKER. I know.
19.I almost NEVER eat breakfast food for breakfast....half my weight problem. Its always leftovers it seems.
20.I love psychology.
21.I like to garden even though I am no good at it.
22.I use to love Biking. Betcha didn't know that.
23.I hate when my tv is on and I have company. It has to go off.
24.I love older shows more then I do newer shows.
25.You almost never will see my teeth in a picture. =D

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cute cute cute

List of cute things that happend!

Stefano helped make a cake.
Stefano helped frost a cake.
Stefano helped mix up pudding.
Zueda broke her fever by throwing up my lunch...I know your asking how is that cute..shes had a fever all day and it breaking was a relief for mommy.
The kids sleeping in the back of my moms car.
Zueda falling asleep on me.Something she never does.
Today was fun,Didn't get some things done that I wanted but that's what tomorrow is for. Sadly Zueda still don't have one tooth cut so shes a little tired and icky feeling.
Hope tonight goes better as Stefano was up last night since he heard the thunder and hates it he fell asleep on Joe and Joe finally put him down at around 10pm.
Thats about it. Nothing much else happened. Might vent a little tomorrow about somethings but I don't want to type now and wake anyone up.

Two days in a row.

I'm off to the country for the second day. I decided that when the sink was clogged,kids got into the sex drawer,the fighting,the trying to put the cat in the oven and the standing on chairs and touching everything in the kitchen...was my cue to get outta here! Bring them where they can run and be kids! =) Oy! Remodeling my bedroom later...so if anywhere hears screaming I could be trapped under furniture lol. It needs to be more adult like I have to much stuff in there that I allowed the kids to get into and that I'm keeping but don't really need. Its time for it to be Joes and I's haha. EVEN though I don't get how you get a kid to stay in their own bed....I'm so worried that my nights are gonna start consisting of worrying,getting up and down to put kids back in their room and lots of frustration! BUT I need to not worry about that until the time comes which I plan on buying Stefano his first bed for his 3rd b day because that's when I went into my own bed and I handled it like a champ! Also need to fit in a pedicure for myself (I do my own)...A shower...A bath for the kids...Oie! There's not enough hrs in the day. Lets not forget the bank. Laundry and of course picture taking!!
Got a picture in mind I'm gonna try....
Off to get ready!
Write later.

Monday, August 16, 2010

One of those days

Today is one of those days where you feel like you yell "No" "Don't do that" "Stop" and "Pick it up" a thousand times to many! Zueda is teething & Stefano is making sure the term "Terrible twos" meets its prime! Tell me how a kid who understands everything(practically) ALL of a sudden does not understand simple repeated things like "Pick up the goldfish"(after he spilled them)??? 
We all know I'm a major cleaner WELL I hate not being able to find things I do not say well that's okay I'll go buy a new one or what ever..I don't stop till I find it but whats more irritating is when I find something that's not even ours!!!??? Or when I can never find it..Makes me feel like I didn't clean good enough.Bugs me.
And of course finances are super tight right now like I don't even know what spending money is....A dime all of a sudden became the new dollar in this house,use to be "YESSS found a dollar" now its  "No freakin way just found a dime!" lol.
Oy! Just been a regular manic Monday. Stefano whining.Hubby talking about sex every 5 seconds(Don't mind just letting you in on how a Monday goes in this house.) Zueda is cranky,I'm cranky over bills BUT the highlight and why I love my life...Joe's cooking dinner for us tonight since I'm really upset with the bills and how things are going AND gave Zueda her Motrin for her Fever. Ah. Now if Stefano learned that being mean to his sister while she feels icky was totally gonna bite him in the butt one day.....Finding a discipline for a 2yr old yields more difficult then I thought. Joe wants to use a different punishment each time, I want to use something that makes Stefano watch and learn,learn and understand.And I like routine. Speak 3 times,Time out cross the line then its time to go to your room then from there its what ever suits. 
We will figure it out all in good time. Not my first child I have disciplined,but my first that came out of me haha.
Man just watching Joe have a soft spot is making me so delighted! Not that hes never had a soft spot but its just cute since its Daddy's little girl.
Kinda jumped all around tonight but I wanted to get everything out that was on my mind.  Deff need some hot chocolate,Hubby time and Tv. =) BRING ON Tuesday!
Write more and maybe something more exciting tomorrow.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Moody without pms???

HAHA the title means that on my Depo shot I have no period but boy are there days I could smack a few people around for no good reason...and today is one of them. It started out really well. Then the mood came and I found myself snapping at Joe about the soda that was not in the fridge...OUCH when did I become that "Wife"!  Then ding dong my brain cell decided to work and I realized I hadn't had a break from the kids all day..no naps. BAM 2:30 came and in bed they went and all is quiet. My mood a little better that I finally got to wash my icky kitchen floor. The fact that I have one...that's right one..finger that has really dry skin on it and actually hurts its so dry...random I know but usually people get dry hands or feet..nope its just one hand one finger...Oy!
Got a little frustrated earlier. I really would like to update my camera because of the fact that I have every time that I wanted to upgrade in my picture taking. i have a photo of my FIRST ever digital camera and they hadn't been out that long. TRUST ME photography is something I DO NOT compete in. I love love love picture taking,don't believe me go back to about a yr to 2yrs in my pictures on facebook check out my ice storm ones and fall ones. I know cameras...I just tend to act dumb around people who do know about cameras also or who think they do. Maybe its part anxiety but I do that a lot. I know almost everything about cameras/Photos,football,computers,Rabbits,Dogs...etc but if you asked people they would tell you I didn't because I tend to act dumb about them in conversations with people. Its only certain people. I also have a bad habit of acting skid-dish in front of people. Trust me a dead mole don't gross me out but eh if your one of the people I tend to alter my personality in front of I'm gonna act like things creep me out when nahhh I'm a tom boy they don't bother me. Not sure what makes me take on a diff personna around certain people but I kinda hate it. I know I'm smart I know I can hold a conversation without laughing but sometimes my brain and mouth don't connect it seems. After the person/people are gone I think of a 100 things to say that would have gotten some laughs or was good advice or something..which annoys me!!!
Like for an example this person asked me a question about a girl WELL duh when it comes to the human brain and characteristics I'm usually really good...the question was about why a girl was acting a certain way towards this person and I said could be for attention,might have a crush on you..AND in my head I was thinking and if she already thinks your hot and your taken shes gonna want you more because women and men tend to want what they can not have at times...DID I SAY that out loud?? NO. So did I answer the persons question right? No. Did it make me look like I have never studied psychology in my life? Yes. GRRRRRR. I even have a psychology stage 8 book I read during nap times. I love psychology and photography. Would people tell that from how I act? Probably not. Unless your a really close friend or family.Then I tend to act a little more like me...!
Ah anyway I better go indulge in nap time by taking a moment for me and enjoying the silence. =) Such a beautiful day here.
Write later. =)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Lifes questions!

Today has been a MUCH better day. Diet is going great,got somethings I've been wanted and were making me cranky without me even realizing it lol...People asked me for advice which always is cool. BUT I have a few questions...

How does a child lose so many sippy cups?? They disappear in 3.5 seconds....then magically appear...Its odd people!

Why does a child ask to go out all day long but then when they finally do get outside time they are seen more in the house then outside?? I mean really?

How many times can I possible lose my lighter???? And I SWEAR its never in the last place I put it.

Why do we buy the kids toys for them to touch everything they shouldn't or is not theirs? And have you ever noticed that the minute you tell them its okay they stop being interested in it???

How does a bathroom floor get so dirty? Wait....Might not wanna know.

My kids hate being gated in their room...YET one day they are gonna never leave their room...Why can't a 1 yr old and a 2yr old understand this and stop fighting me on it???

Ah its nice to be back to myself! Sarcastic bitchy giddy regular me! For a few days I just felt people were not realizing what I had to offer and were treating me in away I have almost trained myself not to treat others...after all the cardinal rule is to treat others the way you want to be treated right? OKAY so I don't go by that very often but I have been lately and I kinda felt slapped in the face for a few days.
That and I am VERY competitive....That can stress me out. I compete with people and they don't even know it that's how bad of an addiction to competing I have! Sometimes its just a "Oh I like what you have better" and its not me being competitive but that's suppose to happen among friends and family.
So one more thing before I skip ta loo my darlin out of here. Writing somethings I am thankful for!

Zueda is a pro at handling her teeth just like Stefano was. I have never had to deal with cranky kids when they were teething. Teeth has never been a reason no one slept in this house.

Even though I would love a new camera....My camera is my best friend!

My husband is a thankfully a cuddle bug!

My son is smart enough to help out and hes only 2!

My new computer chair is HEAVEN!

My friends make me smile!

Night! Dinner,Tv,Hubby and I time then who knows what else. ITS FRIDAY!
And although its Friday the 13th...nothing bad has happened...yet....Knock on wood. And if you don't count the drug deal that was right at the end of our driveway lol.

Write tomorrow! Hope you enjoy the pic of the night! Zee zee and I doing yoga together! Taken 2 nights ago.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Yoga baby!

Tonight I set up my new routine of weight lifting and yoga! I'm telling you the game is on! buh bye 30lbs! Theres ab routines,thigh routines and arm routines. Its about a 45min total thing and before that I will dance for 30 mins. Aghhhhhhhhhhh I can do this! ARGH!

Off for the night!

Loving this new health kick now if I can get the eating in order I think I'll be good as gold!
Much love!

Not as it seems.

Is it wrong to be mad that people could have it all if they opened their eyes and stepped off their high horse..?
I buy name brand products,I have a older vehicle,my kids are not in anything that costs money,I don't go places to save gas,I buy stuff when its on sale,I save plastic bags,I use coupons....And yet I'm still about 500 dollars or more behind on bills. YET. Mr and Mrs.(no one in mind just how I'm thinking right now) have no problem shopping once a week no matter if things are on sale or not,never snipped a coupon in their life,being picky about jobs,not putting money where it really belongs...YET are not behind on bills or complain they are poor...well don't buy chicken breast at 4.99 a lb and you will be alright. Again I'm not thinking of anyone in peculiar but the money thing and people not realizing what they have or could have if they just buckled down and did things the way us poor people have to- they would literally have it all.

I know a few people who are almost too independent. I'm married now I was Miss independent when I was single now I'm married my butt won't be taking out no garbage. If Joe got a job where I had to do everything understandable but right now we do things together,if I needed him in the future to drive my butt to work so he could use the car to pick up the kids later if my job held me for too long or something then I would. Joe knows his part as a dad is not to leave me leading a Miss independent life. Sure I could be the one running around never asking Joe to pick up the kids,drop them off...what ever (down the road,kids don't go anywhere now) but what does that prove? That I don't trust him to get it right? That I don't want to spend time with him? That its okay to do everything myself even if its taking a small toll on me? There's no I in team. And when we hitched that's what we became. A team to fight the smarter then us kids. A team to make sure we make the most money,the most out of time and the most out of life. I know so many people who act almost single when it comes to their kids. Not in a bad way like the dad is an butt but like its my job to pick the kids up so if its a day my job needs me longer I have to take it off...NO you find another way..unless your rich..if they need to be picked up at say 5...hubby -like mine does gets out at 3 and you get out at 6...gee whos gonna pick the kids up? Hubby! Not taking a day off because you think your job should go around your schedule. Again there's no one really in mind for this post its just stuff that I had in my head that I thought I would write about haha.I mean I know a few people who do what I wrote about but not sure I'm angry about it I'm just frustrated. But I know that for us there's other reasons we can't seem to get ahead. So bucking it up and hoping something goes right soon. And that my life does not do a 360 and make me go off the deep end.

Windshield didn't get done because they came when I was not home. Grrr Figure it all out when Joe gets home.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

So Got this pic tonight from a friend who had it....Cried...lol...DIET IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 30lbs to go! I can do this! I think I was about 16 in this pic but I looked like this at 21 too before I had kids....Ugh!
 MUST do it for myself before I lose it....this one really got to me. Then I showed Joe a pic of me with pink hair that he had never seen. Sorry about the lack of clothing lol it was my workout clothes.
Oy! I want to be 16 again...HECK I'll just take being 30lbs lighter.
My goal made at 8:12pm on August 10th...I will be down 30lbs by New years..or sooner! That my friends is a promise! Ugh. And the fact that Joe sat here and drooled over them and asked me to email them to him YET he does not do that will any of my pics now,REALLY ticked me off. Not a good night in the Arbore house...let me tell you that.

Out till tomorrow. G-Night.

Lets not put the cart before the horse...

Lets start with this...The queen is back and sitting on a thrown thanks to my mom who bought a 200 dollar chair for me for my birthday which is not until October...but what are moms for hehe. Any-who moving on..if you are in shouting distance of me..I don't need this blog to post about you I will simply tell you how I feel,so bitching about the neighbors won't be in my blog because I do just fine too their face BUT thank god I have pretty nifty neighbors. The ones out back are little iffy but otherwise we are all good in the hood. I will try too post names now so no one thinks I'm talking about them when really I'm not. =) Don't matter this is MY blog I'll speak what I want. Thats the point. How can you get to know me and what goes on in my life if I have to baby foot around or you decide that everything is about YOU!?
NO ONE is blocked from the blog from this point on. The cards on the table people. Lets play the game of life!

I hate when life changes.You get things right where you want them...then BAM things change and you wish you had taken advantage instead of trying to be considerate and blah blah of the lifestyle you had. Like I like back when we had a little more time and a little more money;Last night I grumbled and moaned that I was out of baby body wash..so after taming my ego I asked Joe to call the neighbors...I used as little soap as possible and tried to give it back..but no they had given us the rest...oh boy did my huge butt ego want to go out and buy them another just to show how thankful I was...I hate turning to other people for stupid stuff or for something I should have remembered,bought,had/have,find...what ever. I hate every day life changing. It might be my anxiety or my none exciting life I had before teenage life hit...who knows. But from 14-21 was not dull! My life now is not dull but I'm sick of having to ask for things. Even if its something that a lot of people might not realize there were out of or forget to pick-up. Oy. Bottom line me and change are not the best of friends.

Another rant..how can people act one moment then feel guilty the next? I asked myself this all the time since I'm not a person that feels guilty often. THEN it hit me...as I was sitting down eating my big mac and frappe...I realized....My diet hit a brick wall and I felt guilty for eating something I shouldn't have. Hmm not sure about other things and feeling guilty but the eating thing...ruining a good track of hard work I get...Ive lost 7lbs and today I got set back again because I yet again made a bad choice. Eeek. Veggies for dinner tonight!
Like I'm confused about people who cheat....you cheat then the next day you spend the whole day with your spouse/other half out of guilt....Hmmm maybe you shouldn't have done the actions and you could have avoided the guilt. Little to late to be feeling a little head hung(guilty in redneck talk). Just my thought.

Anywho got things to do before kiddos wake up! I'll write again before the days over I'm sure.

No thrown...big problem!

When I met Joe...actually when I met any guy...They had to understand one thing...my computer is my computer and the computer chair is the queens chair and guess who the queen is??? Thats right. The kids were never allowed to play in it,there was no crazy leaning back in it,cats did not knead on it and that's where I always sat. Well last night my chair of 6yrs went on me. Which means no queen chair...which means a very grumpy queen. I call myself the queen when I'm at my computer because of what I do on it,what I can fix,what I can do for the kiddos (I printed out this really need shapes and color game).. Its bitter sweet,I know its time for a new CLEANER chair but that chair comes attached with a lot of memories. Its been complimented,yelled at,sat in my butt that never left for 4hrs at a time,washed,pushed around when I'm trying to vacuum...seen everything that went on in 6yrs. Which with me is a lot. Haha. For now I'm sitting in a kitchen chair missing the feeling a computer chair gives you in the control I had over the chair,the computer and the desk. Hopefully I can buy one soon. NO ONE buys it but me lol. I pick it out I test it out then I buy it. The computer is my sanctuary and the chair is the one place I can go to sit and just breath.

Monday, August 9, 2010

This is how I roll

Here we go again! People asking Joe if I'm mad or upset or what ever....TALK TO MY FACE! I have never spit in your face,slapped your face,put my foot through your teeth or made my fist meet your throat-Which in conclusion means there's no reason not to ask ME what a concept if I'm mad or grumpy or what ever. *Sigh* and people who have the looks to be what ever they want to be throws it away by being a prude. Oh I said it and I went there. Its nice that you dress your age but the noticeable push up bra was a bit much don't ya think? Oy! Not trying to be mean just really annoyed. Joes car is down yet again...windshield world can not do my truck until Wednesday. Only thing that made my day was Joes dad coming to my door and not making a big deal out of the fact that my door was locked even though I was home. He got that anxiety on bad days makes ya a little paranoid. Whoopie dee da...No need for wise ass remarks..he just came in like no big deal.
My daughter looks like she fell in a sand pit...bath time here we come. My son refuses to listen...he refuses to do pretty much everything or anything that would qualify him as a good boy....

Just a quick post to relieve some tension...my stress reliever is hamburger helper lol so I'm making some for dinner. Then the normal for this house. I clean up,I dance,I clean up some more then bath time then cuddle time with hubby,Some tv watching and of course my night time hot chocolate. My kids get me all day so I tend to push time with daddy at night. Just realized that the rabbit has not eaten all day....Oy!

Off I go!

The beginning.

I'm not a first time blogger BUT this is the first time I'm letting the world into my world.

Life is a game to me:Although I have to work harder then most. I wouldn't wish anxiety on my worst enemy. I live with it all day every day. But that's not what this blog is about,its just gonna be maybe unspoken words that I need to let out or my every day to day life. Its going to be lessons learned,mistakes made,anger released,sadness let go & fun times written for memories. I'm not a woe is me person.I hate pity,I don't want sympathy...Call it having a huge ego but either way I hate them. I don't hunt for attention,just recently I found out someone asked if I had any other friends then one they knew about and I took that the wrong way..I can have friends but not be all over them..I hate phone calls,I hate long days at other peoples houses...I love all my friends but I choose to be at a distance. 
Lets start with the basics: I am fighting bulge of the belly literally only place left I feel fat...I am married to a hot headed Italian whose married to a stuck in her ways mostly English psycho(me)-We make such the pair. I have to amazing kids...and by amazing I mean...hitting each other,screaming,nap fighting,food throwing,picky eater,pool hating,touching everything they are not suppose to..type kids.I live in the perfect place except I need a bigger place...I literally collect cats...okay okay I don't but I have 4 and looking for my 5th one... I cook I clean I'm the one who folds everyone's underwear,I stay at home 9hrs a day with the kiddos....I've been known to watch the occasional episode of Jerry Springer. I love love photography. I'm 22...I drink more during football season then any other time while I root for my amazing STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will learn more and more as time goes on.

You will eventually either love me or hate me. I speak my mind and a lot of the time my words become like fireworks...sets someone off...which then sets someone else off..then its back to me...then its an opinion of an opinion of an opinion that all started with what I wrote or what I said.

Enjoy the ride. First hand..first ever allowed look into my life.