Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Didn't want to but I am gonna. People need to get a grip. Because I decided to buy certain items people are thinking I am some rich person let me ask you this..What type of car do you drive? Do you own or rent? Do you get pedicures,hair done,manicures or spa day? Do you go out to dinner a lot? Do you do crafts? Do you have a hobby you spend money on? I don't drive a new vehicle,I rent a small apartment,I give my time to animals & love helping when it comes to psychology and someone dealing with an individual who mentally is not stable.  I do all of this for free..oh theres more...My laundry is never behind,my sink NEVER gets over loaded with dishes,I clean every room in the house,I dress,un dress squirming toddlers,change diapers,cook breakfast lunch and dinner. There is no canned or  frozen meals for an easy way out of things for me. I take care of all 6 animals. 2 kids. A bipolar husband. I deal with family. No friends. Learning finally after many years what photography is all about. I don't nap. I don't go out. I never leave the house without my husband or my kids. I stop take a moment to tell some congrats or give advice online. I think constantly. I love buying for others. Deal with a husband who can't just have eyes for one female. And the biggest I deal with depression and anxiety every single day. Not much but I do enough. I don't lie. I am honest and blunt. I care,I love, I am not selfish. Just because I don't work people seem to be having an issue yet again. So because I am a stay at home mom..I must watch tv all day? I don't watch any housewives,jerry springer....I watch the news..nothing till the cooking channel for Stefano then wheel of fortune and then a night time show to just keep on while I try to sleep alone. My kids don't throw fits in the store. They have been to a restaurant only about 5 times. I don't go here and there. I don't splurge on little things that ADD up so you are spending money on something that you will throw away instead of me who spends money on things I will use for years. Dunkin donuts,Cigarettes,fast food,etc. Mine is Camera stuff,Savings,items for my kids or husband WHO DOES WORK...etc. Just because you pay out for taxes and we don't. That means right there you have more money then we do. But its not a competition. Being jealous and frustrated over someone else's finances are a waste of time. We don't waste our money on booze,dinners kids stay with us 24/7 no one watches my kids. We gave up our freedom for them. I type with respect. I speak with respect. I don't cuss people out. I don't get upset over little things so for me to be annoyed right now is silly. No one should come at me. Especially when they are awesome friends with other stay at home moms. I have food stamps and I get fuel assistance thats it. I use coupons and shop for deals. I use amazon. I shop at the dollar store. I don't buy name brand items. My husband works hard but gets paid little. I could get a job but the cost of another vehicle,child care,taking time off with sickness...etc would be just out of the question,my pay check would go to those things and we would not be making any more money then with just Joe working. I pray. I keep people in my thoughts. I love giving. I am 23 and more mature then most 40yrs olds. I stand my ground in what I believe in. I never start drama. I never get mad over dumb things online and hurt peoples feelings. I step back and know when I am wrong. I am not a horrible human being.
Rant over. Well its not but typing everything thats in my mind would take me days. Very disappointed in people.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Another vent..I couldn't hold it in.
I deal with a lot...My anxiety keeps me from doing a lot,making friends,I don't call people because I get really nervous..I get so frustrated with myself I have to fight urges of cutting off almost every day..Going out is a project....Well come to find out My mother and her best friend did nothing but bad mouth me...if I see someone in my place my heart goes out to them because being afraid or lonely or nervous is so hard...they were making fun of me about how my truck just stays in the driveway so why would we need a second vehicle which we decided to hold off on can you say that to me? How can you make fun of me when its hard to deal with that I don't drive many places...I have not that many to go too...I drive and when I need to go somewhere I do. Joe usually takes it so its not just sitting in my driveway they then said stuff like "lets go buy a vehicle just to sit it in our drive way since they can do that" stuff like that... and when it is in the driveway they should both know by now I handle the nights better when theres a car in the driveway...but thats just something else for them to pick on me for...just like my mom picks on my for wearing my shoes all night...when Joe is at work..I know it sounds really funny and really stupid but to me its something that helps my anxiety....Why make me feel stupid about it? They are no help to my anxiety at all no wonder my mom didn't get me help. She still acts like its all a joke. Yes because I love wearing my shoes to bed...yes I love being anxious all the time...yes this is all a joke...haha the gig is up you caught me....................... Only if it was that easy and that simple.
Now once again where our money goes is being questioned. Just recently I got told how my mother is going to do what she wants and if it cost her she should be able to do something for herself...that makes sense and I have no place to say anything and its something fun for her- so if Joe who works 10hrs 4 days a week 5 weeks like this week,has busy busy weekends,supports me AND MY ANXIETY should be able to also get something for himself right? Well because of how people are acting he did and he did with my FULL permission. He now owns an x box,4 games,2 controllers and a kinect. End of story. Are we still in debt. NOPE. His Joes credit finally on the right track YUP and we still could get something for the man of the household.
We are young this is our chance to learn from mistakes... but to be in debt because of dumb things at the age they are suppose to be retired and loving life they are acting like jerks and look silly. You can't complain about money then go and buy this that and gas here and there. I don't complain. I love where we stand right now,hopefully it will continue and get even better if we stay on the right track. Where is the support where is the love? They don't vacation,they dont indulge in there grand kids MY SISTERS KIDS INCLUDED I wanted to get my niece something HUGE with her moms permission of course for her graduation -go half in half with my mom NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted her to have things for a lap top maybe even a lap top if she needs it maybe a camera again if she needs it...anything she needs to pursue on with college or what ever her dreams are we could provide her at-least a start of course again with my sisters permission..BUT NOPE! So I look like the major moron. My sister will never know I had these big thoughts for her child to make sure they all know we are here for is anyone suppose to know my mom is there for them when she rarely acts it these days. Frustrating. I hate bringing up that family in my blog because I feel like I am talking behind their backs lol so enough but I am very proud of my niece and my family in that aspect.Regardless.End of story.
Anyway..just not sure how too feel. Not sure what to think. I should not cry because of my mother and her comments..I should not find myself upset because of people who at one time met the world to me. I should not feel like the black sheep. Left out. Made fun of.
My words are just lingering in my mind now...hard to even process what I want to say....Very upsetting.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Thoughts into words

Its hard to get to really know anyone....I think its time for me to give up.
When someone writes something...Yet they do not follow what they makes little sense to me.
Facebook is a lovely place but when you start to think every status is about you...You start to wonder what is allowed to be written and what is realize people do not connect with you any better then they did before....It starts to become a bummer.
I have a stress level of 9,000...Friday we leave for New York to drop the kids off...I am not doing it...I swear if I do we have to meet in one place so one child does not see 3 of its family members leave him or her there...His dad gets Stefano and his mom has Zueda two diff locations. I hate the anxiety is beyond high.
I will worry none stop....
I got people who apparently think I am fake....Oh lovely. I am blunt and you wanna say I am fake. I'm gonna smack the silly outta someone I swear.
Another fact is that no family comes see any of us....How lovely. Family a distance away I understand but close by have no excuse and over the years I am slowly regretting giving my stuff away and other items to ungrateful people. I love my family and then I can't deal with my family. To have a mother tell you "No ones allowed back when they leave..." "everyone is sad when they become empty nesters but not me" it gets discouraging. I then confronted her and she said that she does not have the money or if I was getting beaten she would still not take me and the kids in...funny though I know over 10 woman who have moved back home and their parents are not rich..they live in small space...but they gave up some space for their loved ones. They put their man caves or their living room into bedrooms for loved ones. Its what you do. And hopefully I can do that for my kids. If my daughter has trouble at all in a relationship she is allowed to move back as long as she is not doing anything illegal and such. And my grandkids will be the apple of my eye so if they are in danger or need a better environment then I will be there!!!!!!!!!!!
Stories of the past before I was even born just seem so real now...granted Joe and I are fine and I dont need to move home...I'm realizing how harsh my mom really is. Its fine to be selfish once your kids have moved on but do you really ever stop being a parent? No.
She is always telling me what I do wrong and what she did..and all I can think of is the horrible past and how dare her say what she did was better then what I do?????????
Love her to death and I hate writing posts like this but it hurts to see her in a bind when its 78% of her fault...Not that we don't all make mistakes. I will help out as much as possible. But lying and hiding things from her is becoming a common thing because if she thinks you spent your money wrong,or bought to much or bought something she wants she now gets mad,jealous,harsh and very opinionated.  She never comes over anymore. She really goes very few places in winter but she goes even less now. I am sorry I could not give her 2,000 dollars more then we had planned...I am sorry she is in a bind. I hate seeing anyone unhappy. But she even said even with the 500 she refused to put the money towards the back taxes which is $400 something she was going to put it on HER credit cards,remember mine are paid up I am just paying her back this way(she paid them up with a loan)I think she is just mad at us so shes taking it out on herself and dad in away by possibly losing their house in June when the auction is.
Love is a hard thing to stay silent about and its the same way with parents. You love them.You adore them and you cherish them but theres moments where you just want to scream in their face. Not in a teenage way but in a manner that might change things for the better,might open their eyes.... I might have said this before my dog that is still there because shes just to old to take out of her environment has a tape worm which makes her eat and eat well its making my mom have to buy her food more and more...common sense would be for a few bucks get medication so the dog can be comfortable and she can stop having to buy huge bags of dog food each week...nope...she rather just complain. Its sad. This is not the woman I knew about 3 yrs ago...or was it. I was a cutter....she never knew...I drank...she never knew...I failed in school(in a way) she never did anything about it...I had no desire to go to college because I knew there was no money to go....She is a fantastic mom but there was those spaces she lacked and I could have really used her in. For years we went to church where I was deathly afraid of a kid....I would hide under blankets...under chairs...cling to my parents, cover my ears, play sick so we could stay in the car,PRAY there was bad weather so we couldn't go to church....JUST to avoid this kid who was mean because of a mental disorder-And when I say mean..Im talking he tried choking me when I was parents knew this...they could see the fear...but no one did anything...they didn't keep me away from this kid...they didn't reassure me I was okay....they didn't do things to make me feel more protected and less scared... A start to my anxiety? Could be. Its life and it could have been A LOT worse. My heart aches for those who go through so much more.... I am not here to complain I am just opening the doors to a world I didn't realize I was in. Seeing a person who I thought was something and possibly was never that person....*sigh*
Material things are one thing but unconditional love and support is what I want....

So I am really getting into this new camera.
Getting into a healthier and skinnier me.
Bought a exercise bike,some dvds and Dance central for the xbox 360 with Kinect(Spelling?)
For my camera I have gotten a tripod,macro lens..the camera came with a bag so I am pretty set for awhile. Might buy a flash down the road.
Feels odd to not know everything about this camera. I can spit out everything about a point and shoot LIKE for people who are not good with them you can change your ISO on a point and shoot. You can change setting in under a second if you get to know your settings. You can do bokah with one,Ive done one,Ive done a macro MANY times with one...I captured sun flares,moving objects,night shots,moon shots....I am a proud mo fo right now lol.
Well heres a few shots.
Hope things turn around. I want my family oriented,loving,no anxiety(or minimal) fun life back. Here in this house its going pretty good if I could learn to trust...oy I suck with feelings and emotions....I get angry when I am upset..I run when I am devastated...I over react when I am mad...I forget to be happy. I forget to stop and enjoy those moments....

Thursday, February 17, 2011

My world

We went today thinking it was the kiddos dr appointments..they are on March 17th lol guess we were so anxious to get them in to see how Stefanos speech is and stuff.
Didn't make it to my eye appointment but I need to get to the drs and that hasn't happened,so being on the back burner is normal.
I opened a page for my photography on facebook. I hope it blooms. I did it because I have test shots in my folders and some normal snap shots and I wanted all my pics in one spot. I want to see what I can improve on and motivation to do better.

Joe and I still have a long way to go on the relationship. New stuff keeps coming up and I over-think it or just the fact that he wasn't telling me all of the story back when he got caught. I still feel is always thinking about this co worker..its just a whole big mess and its messing up my life all the way around. I am angry at my parents for just not being there. I am going to make some shots dedicated to a family member because for so many years I blamed this person when I know realize a lot had to do with my mom. I love her but I realize how much she won't put fourth when it comes to family. If she knows I am upset she dont call or visit or really even ask if I am okay. If I wanted to work theres no way in you know what she would watch my kids. She thinks everything I do is basically wrong. She knows nights are hard but she will literally come down during the day instead of coming to visit in the afternoon. Again I love her but shes always saying how people should use their money and they use it wrong and how lucky they are and blah blah but when I stated the same thing about how much our food stamps getting cut ruined our budget and things she kinda rolled her eyes and said "we were there once" or if I bring up how often people leave and have date nights and alone time she says we never had that or some other type of remark that makes me upset. Sorry to vent just been irritable from the lack of love from family. 
And thats why I take photos. To lose myself into another world. Just winter is putting a damper on that.
Ah well my mind is thinking to much and I need to go figure out my thoughts. 

Monday, February 14, 2011


I always secretly liked the thought of Valentines day...I think dinners,sexy lingerie,I love you and hearts should be apart of everyones life all year, making one day devoted too it-is cute.  Surprises,romance & love. I'm not a mushy gushy person but I never say no to gifts and sweet little surprises. Problem? Three out of like..well dont worry about that number of exs have been sweet on Valentines day. I think I could have just been happy with what my husband did this year if in the back of my mind I didn't think he was completely thinking about another chick. His wife(me) was sitting on the computer with about 4 sites up that had sex toys,fun couple things,not sinful but things to try as a couple and explore. He could have cared less. Bought a dress and heels,nothing. Even told him what I would like and nothing. I feel like if I was 50lbs lighter (I only need to lose 30 before pre preg weight tho) all that sexual stuff would mean so much more to him. I hear that any guy loves when their spouse gets into the sexual side of things,explore,willing to try new things...Ive always been like that but for him to walk in on my looking at anal beads.....I would think that would make me worth a little bit more then his thoughts of this girl he met at work. *Sigh* no these things don't embarrass me and if I have to talk about my whole life to get out what needs to get out before I explode then fine. Don't like it? Don't read.
No woman should be mad or sad on this day. I am furious. I woke up to him gone last night a few times so I thought I would find something sweet for me in the morning because god forbid he let me sleep in on the biggest couple day all year....Today is the day you show love...not good with that but I have no problem getting my freak on and wearing things I would never wear out in public and just down right having a fun,funny& loving day. He wants to send the kids to his parents next week,WTF is next week???? nothing Today is Valentines day. And his parents really don't even want my kids they refuse to come get them I am not driving three hours home thinking about their faces as we leave with out them. Stefano is not stable enough for that. NO ONE offered to take our kids this weekend or today so we could have a lone time. Lets just be honest my whole freakin family sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except a few. But they all live far away.
All I have heard about is people plans for v-day and how their husbands love the holiday basically because their woman changes into a freak lol. I am one most of the year so imagine what I would pull out today or even yesterday. NOPE we have had little to no alone time because he decided to do the truck on the two days we should have had a nice amount of adult time. Douche. Then Lastnight I think he acted single if you know what I mean so I am just done being married. I have no idea what a married couple should act like,I have no idea how happy I really should be and I know I could make a guy happy because I am not shy behind closed doors and I know how to cook and clean lol. I love football,I love greasy food,exercise,dancing,video games....I got this. Joe hates all of that. He was more intimate when my friend stayed here and he could secretly think about her and her walking in on us. Thats sick and wrong and I am fed up with him. He should know that as I let him leave with no hesitation. I'm not talking...I always talk I have the last word when I'm angry.
So in conclusion. Joe has made me feel that if I was skinnier,sexier,younger looking,nicer,nicer voice and I dunno what else because I thought I did everything I guy likes he would have done something sweet for valentines day. He would have been a freak too...but I am none of those things.

Off to have a messed up rest of the day. Hope everyone else has a good v-day.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Getting my ducks in a line

Its hard when you are married to someone who does not stick to his own guns let alone yours.
We are still paying his debt but we owe debt together. Thats fine. We got the amount we will be getting back for taxes and its a good amount will help out a lot..problem is he will not stick to a plan to make sure this money goes everywhere it needs to go. Let me go deeper into our life for you.We owe my mom $2500 which we pay back by giving her 500 out of taxes each year BECAUSE thankfully she paid that credit card up so she uses the money for what ever so say we don't pay it does not hurt her credit or her payments or anything. I was going to give 700 this year as a showing we love her and we are trying our hardest. We have a lot to accomplish this year with taxes and its going to be a struggle as Joe is a spender. He can also be selfish. But we wrote down and wanted to stick to a plan well once again I find him creating his own plan and thats beyond pissing me off. BUT I think over all we are still on the same page. We need a second car. We need to pay everything up.We need to put a good chunk in savings. We need to get his credit back up. Well when my mom found out the amount she assumed I would pay back the whole $2500 we owe...I said maybe but we would have to wait and see. The part that bugs me is she always says that would really help us...*sigh* Here we go again...their house is falling down,they have a mortgage when they bought the house cash back in the day....they take from the church. They offer nothing for gas money to us when we come up. They complain about our help. They should not need our money. OF COURSE I would give them it anyway but I am saying being dependent on it is what is holding me even further back from paying her off...what are they gonna do if I pay it up but they are still financially behind and in trouble and stuff next year? Whose money will they depend on then? And I rather not see my parents crash and burn. They made horrible choices. The only brilliant thing is,is she has amazing credit. We do not,another reason we have to depend on cash to prevail us. We want to make a good investment not just a "Oh heres a house and its bigger then what we have so lets buy it" We want something that will go up in price down the road. We want to secure ourselves so we don't end up in our 60's and after retirement in a shelter. It happens so much.
They did not invest in their home to make it better if they had,it would go for a higher price or even quicker. They went into debt. Dad quit work way to early.

This is not Joes fault,he is not creating a monster this is my decision. If Joe and I could sit down and really crunch  numbers and stick to a plan that would help but Joe has decided to be busy the next couple days. He works on cars and even wants a shop of his own YET he travels to peoples he will miss lunch and time with the family before work tomorrow because he won't put his foot down and have the people come here. Hes nice to everyone but his family its always been like that. Divorce is still in question as I am getting fed up with his habits and his reasoning. Its hard but I deserve better. I can think maturely, I think about others, I know that my kids deserve a nice party. I just never knew Grandparents who have no other grandkids to NOT spoil the ones they have especially if they are their first. My kids are getting the short end of the stick and its getting annoying. His dad bought a truck to cart the kids where they need to go.....he uses it...the kids and I are still stuck at home. So again that was a gift that really went to Joe not the kids. That is wrong. Someone needs to talk to Joe about his issues but instead they feed them and him. I plan on paying back a few of his family members. Thats how I think.
But anyway back to the real issue how can tax money break up so many people. Joe and I are not seeing eye to eye and my mom is not understanding they are feeding off of other peoples money,owed to them or not. If I didnt owe her what is she gonna do this year since they "really need the money" as what she said to me about he money I owe her. ??

So much for one person to deal with. I thought when I got married it was so I could have someone to help me through things.......

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Laying it out

  1. You can cut calories by using unsweetened applesauce in baking. For example today my mom made brownies and it was one cup vegetable oil,she put in unsweetened applesauce..Her total savings for her calories was 1820. For 1 tablespoon of oil its 120 calories,theres 16 in a cup that makes 1920. Its 100 calories for a cup of the applesauce.

Still working on things with Joe. Hes still got this attitude thats like DUDE..YOU MESSED UP!!!  I still don't trust him at all. ALL of a sudden after 2yrs of not checking his email he is checking it every 5 mins. His excuse? The realtor might email him...this coming from the guy who stays on top of nothing,he don't make phone calls hes suppose too,he does not send things out in the mail when hes suppose too,he does not go too the bank on something is off. *bangs head on desk* If its not one thing its another. I think it would be fine if I didn't see him closing out windows. Opening his email when I am away or have my back turned...that stuff is suspicious when you are someone who has failed for 4yrs. Thats suspicious to someone whose had to have her guard up FOR SO LONG! Don't hate because this is the game you chose to play...your dealing with the consequences pal! ..Jeeze since when do I say pal???? 
Anyways maybe 3 days together will make things better. First he needs to stop being angry and just prove what he needs to and make me feel better -I thought the spouse was suppose to make the other feel better and calm and relaxed not on edge. Its like dude have her email me or have her call lets not do more things to make me doubt everything you say. k? I have all these thoughts and stuff but can't seem to get them out fully. Like with out him being in my mind he won't ever understand.
You can't get mad at someone when they are acting they way they are acting because of your actions or words.End of story.
ON that note. I have found an amazing site full of my favorite thing!!!!!!! Lingerie! Aghhh I am so excited! I want to be like everyone else I know and have a healthy marriage. Is that possible?? Or do I need to marry someone else? Thats up to Joe. I will show him the site and see what he thinks, Mwuhahaha. No need to think of woman as your next one. They are just woman. You can be turned on right in your own house. Compliments are nice too maybe if you give more,he would realize well helloooo I am a lucky man. Some people have said they would go to strip clubs with there husbands because of the nice things they say. Some even said just walking around in underwear and a bra is enough for their man....I think I have a broken man lol Man I dont ever want to sit here and think man I wish I had that in my relationship...I want to BE that relationship. *sigh*

I need a hobby. Theres hope. Theres hope that Joe will be the man of my dreams one day. He is now when hes not making me suspicious and hes nice.. LIKE today I was really crabby and I went and laid down and he came in TO ME not me going in to him and sat down and just let me talk. Felt nice. Felt like he cared. =)
I doubt showing him the lingerie site because its a little explicit I don't want him wanting those woman or going to porn or something...SEE these thoughts should be "Oh hes gonna love picking out stuff for me to buy" "He is just gonna crumble when he sees the stuff I like" "When he sees me in this hes gonna explode!"...ok ok parts of me think that also lol. So I guess were are slowly getting out of the dark area into at-least the gray area where not all of me is suspicious or non trusting. Not all of me is negative thinking. Maybe he will let me have some tax money and just go shopping!!! =)

I am just rambling. How lovely. So I am gonna go now and clear my mind and make sure the next 3 days are to die for. Joe has plans for tomorrow and Friday is lingerie Friday in my house soooo...