Sunday, October 31, 2010

Answering questions

I'm going to answer some peoples questions they had for me. Some will be brief others I will explain to the depth.

Why do you not celebrate Halloween or Christmas? Personal reasons. In the bible it states that the sheep were out to pasture well they don't go out in December. But regardless it would be okay if there were not fake things involved,Jesus was not fake so what does Santa have to do with it,Your answer? St.Nick? Am I right. Fine but why all the presents? Why the tears when people realize they can't buy thousand dollars in gifts? Why are people playing Christmas songs when we have not given Thanks at Thanksgiving? I don't like the commercial environment. I don't like the greediness that comes. I will buy gifts all year long,I will donate to charities all year long not at just one given time.  I love the lights,I love snow men,I love snow...I love festive winter,as I call it. =)
Halloween-Its a sinful holiday in my eyes. I love babies in costumes and I love to see what my girlfriends dress up in for their other halves but the pranks and the trick or treating.. Trick or treat?? So if they don't give you a treat you trick them? Thats a little mean. Don't get me wrong I'm no angel...and one day I will probably get into parts of Halloween. But for now its not my thing.

What other Holidays do you not celebrate? I celebrate the rest just not as in depth except Thanksgiving.

Will your kids do things like the tooth fairy? No,I'll have other little cute things and they will know its me whose giving them some change for a tooth. No 5 bucks here,thats silly how things get out of hand.

Is the only thing you drink,Hot chocolate? LOL-No I love tea,coffee,Ice tea,Dr.Pepper,Code red Mt.Dew,ginger ale and strawberry milk!

Tell Me a secret: I can't do that but I will tell you that my first tattoo is a little on the large side and revolves around one person. Hoping with tax money it will be a go ahead for me to get it.

I was wondering if with 4 cats you have fur all over your clothes?  This person met no disrespect. I don't actually,only time is if I hold my rabbit,Snowshoes sometimes leaves white fur behind but you never seem to get it from sitting on any of my furniture or anything.

What type of dog would you like? I saw you love dogs.-Oh I do,I love all kinds too. But Big dogs are my preference. A Rottweiler or German Shepherd are my favorite types. But a boxer,Husky,etc are just fine also. A rescue dog is all it has to be. =)

Do you wear heels less now with kids? In a way because I don't go out often but I have a tendency to wear them around the house too. So its about the same maybe. My ankles looks great so who cares lol

You own a truck but your always talking about different cars,which is it? Haha I'm both give me a duel exhaust jacked up Ford 350 and I'm cool with that,Give me a Nissan Altima with tinted windows and a system that works too. I love vehicles. I love anything with an engine. And I have my preferences just like anyone. =)

With your anxiety do you have frequent bad dreams? I have nights where yes its a little annoying its one bad dream after another but its not really a common thing. But the bad dreams do circulate around things that make my anxiety high so I know thats what causes them.

What can you bench? Haha I can only do it twice but I can do around 125. Before kids it was 180ish.

Have you and Joe always fought like this? Pretty much,maybe 4 weeks we didn't. But I would be an epic fail in any relationship if I couldn't get out how I feel and have someone either care or argue back,point out where I am wrong and such.

Thats all of them. About to make some tea while I wait for Joe to get back then gonna step out and take some pictures. Gonna fight this cold darn it!!!

Just a couple pics for you!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Friday Post,Come and get it.

Its Friday...That means I did not write all week...That means I could bust a cap in someone's butt at any moment. Bottled to much in. Oops.

First of all I totally wanna divorce Joe for the simple fact that I am one of those fun little sexual wives and he has no idea what hes missing. I'd like to tell him some things I know about OTHER people but I can't just to teach him hes got it okay!
I'm not asking for a whole lot. No suits,No ties,no candles,taking a shower before the deed...a little silly unless he worked in a dirty job,socks are not required,Cameras are allowed,hell put the black light on. I don't care.Lol. I do little things that show I am still the same gal even with kids and being married *gasp* 3yrs. I am not gonna act 50 or prude or like we have been married 50yrs. Ugh! Okay I could go on but who wants to hear about that crap.

2nd. If you are blaming someone else for lack of communication then in front of a friend cut them off when they are trying to get something off their chest. No only are you a ass who should not get laid but you are part of the problem there smarty.

3rd. If my son throws one more 17yr old like tantrum,I'm throwing one with him! If he is mean to his sister one more time I'm taking him to a baby boot-camp...What? There is no such thing? WELL I just invented it!!!

4th. Hehe I know something everyone things I don't. Mwuhahahaha.

5th. People asked why I'm called DQ. It stands for Da Queen. Why you ask? I know sounds ghetto. I use to and I still do,its sickening really. I know everything about everyone. Not their business but lies,secrets,little about their past,family members,people they know I know....I use to gather info for a friend of mine who sadly was not in the right business but being a father of two he wanted to make sure the people in his life and around him were safe and not trouble.  I find that one person who will tell me the most about you then BAM I got my info for "Just in case" an issue pops up. =) NO I do not do it with everyone. But if you live in about a 5-mile radius of me I know these things about you: Your background,your imediate family members,your kids names,Why your last relationship failed(just in case),Your maiden name,where you parents live and what car you drive. =) But no one ever figures me out and I love that.  You think you got something figured out then BAM I do a 360,Your worried because I do things at my pace...then BAM you see everything is in order. =) Comes from my teenage years and what went on during them. People fear Joe when I'm the one who will hit you with no sign of doing so. =) I'll hit you with a smile. I'm that crazy one that gets in-between a bipolar with a knife and a guy I didn't know well. Wanted to get that out as some of you are misunderstand who I am and what I am about. I can be nice to you but in the hr your gone....well thats a whole other story. Get to know people. Your best defense.

6th. My mom comes home today from Maine. She brought stuff from people who feel like my family. For the kids and Stephen king books for me. Yes,I am a huge fan!!

7th. If you say your gonna do something do it. End of story.

8th. Even if you cover something up...I still know the truth. The mind is a game to me and I love to win.

9th. My weight is going down just slowly. a lb here,2 lbs there....I'll take that! Lifting weights is getting easier I can do a rep of a hundred curls now when I first started back up I could do maybe 25 lol. Pathetic.

So in conclusion things would be perfect if a few people got their acts together but is that everyones sad story?
Here is a few pictures. Not the best but what I have to work with right now. =)
I will maybe put up a recipe tomorrow sometime. Joe has a car too work on so its just me and the kids yet again. My days are just lovely. Not fully complaining. I could have it worse. But hey I could have it better. I could have the old Joe but the new not messing up Joe and a third bedroom!OH and a dog! =)
haha Enjoy your weekends!!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Family Drama

Where to start...oh where to start... Well the one thing that bothers a lot of people is when a parent brings their children into something and when they are ages that shouldn't swear or talk to a person they way they did. If you had the problem you talk to me,Yourself.
Second are you delusional? I invited you for memorial or labor day can't you saw the kids,I went to the parade that you were also at,you were here for my kids birthday party. We were all at some family things this summer..YET you have my son telling my husband and the world that I didn't let you see my kids. Thats how badly you don't know your own sister,half sister but sister nonetheless. I dislike my mother in law(bless her heart as she seems like an angel right now compared to my family) and I have never not let her see the kids,I don't roll that way sweetie. I think that is a cruel way to punish someone. I could hate you and you still could see MY kids because I have control. I know that you and I hate each-other but you don't hate my kids and they don't hate you and I refuse to bring my kids in-between my problems. So from this day on we will never see nor talk to each-other but they will have no idea why or that we hate each other with a passion,although I do not hate you..I just think you have things in your head you can't seem to realize is a made up lie. I didn't get everything growing up but your damn right I got more because times were different. Money was easier on the parents,I was the last child,the technology was easier....Things were completely different when I was a child and when you were a child. And you think thats my fault? You think I came out of the womb saying "I hate Marya" "I will be spoiled so I can ruin Marya's life" Nah you and I both know that. Thats just silly. When you read that you rolled your eyes and huffed knowing that ain't true or could ever be even a possibility.
You are the older one,The older sibling always is in control and bossy. You could have been bossy 15yrs ago and we might have a relationship. Call me up give me a new A-hole if that helps.
I have to point out that when your son or who ever wrote what they did to Joe,was in away trying to look out for me but you can't quite bring yourself to support me or be there for me. You pinpointed that he was no good with finances so somewhere you keep tabs on someone who is dealing with a lot. Why could you have not spoken up? Where was the messages? I remember when you sat down my ex Jeremy and talked to him for me. Like you wanted to make sure I was okay but not disrespect him at the same time. A smart move. This time you just stay behind closed doors and lend no hand,no advice...nothing. Thats not a sister thats an enemy who laughs at the little inch of pain one other might have.
You sit there and you remember who sent you emails begging,pleading,complimenting your butt trying to get you to come to thanksgiving. That wasn't trying? You remember who showed up at a BBQ thinking she was showing she wanted to be family oriented brought the thing you asked us too,I believe it was Ice and then to find out we were not invited.  Yes,thats correct I remember things. How about the sister fight we had in the trailer when I was 14-15 and it was a sibling fight because in the end we sat down and had Black raspberry ice-cream at the time our favorite kinds. Oh yes, the bitch remembers things like that.  Maybe I am not quite as horrible as you thought.
Lets talk about the fact that other people have to tell me what you say about me. I would have NEVER known you liked my photography if our poor mother who has been trying to bring us closer for years hadn't told me. You never once left a comment on them. You never once hit me up in chat. You never called.You never wrote to me. I had no idea you even looked at my photography. Now explain to me why you couldn't tell me that? Explain to me why I have to be the one to call and IM first but when I do I get shunned? Sent you a message explaining myself and how I remember loving these masks you had as a child I thought you were so cool for owning them...and you write back a sentence...well if that don't scream "Stop talking to me". I was planning a fall get together family dinner. I obviously had nothing against ya. I obviously had no reason to completely get cussed out by a 17yr old and a 14yr old. Which by the way folks I have 4 cats and a clean house that shows I do quite well owning pets. =) Although it helps they are outside kitties that come in here and there,they are too cool to be seen at home haha.
Back to seriousness. No lies were told. The truth yes. Lies no. You might never see this as I have no idea where you even think you saw the thing that was written by me according to you last time. Little confused. And let me tell you the day my kid calls their aunt which would be you a bitch they won't make it to see their next birthday but I make sure my kids have respect for family no matter what I would like to say.
Anything else can be said to my face. Words have never hurt my feelings never will. Ask everyone I will always let you have the last word,if you wanna slam a door in my face go for it. I won't block a person,I want ignore a phone call...Thats not me. Because what they might want to say might be whats needed. Tomorrow holds a new thing.
I'm sorry to my 80yr old dad who has to deal with this stress. He brought my siblings into his life with open arms. Never did a thing to harm them. We owe him to act like we love each-other. I know you won't if I know you well enough you have already told either mom or someone close to mom that you won't be attending Thanksgiving. Am I right? Ah thought so. Sad. because when that year comes around you don't have dad or mom,your going to be the one that feels like an ass. And I hate the word Ass but thats what you truly are for hurting Dad. And Mom lets not forget her. Tears were in her eyes when she saw her first grand-daughter talking the way she did to me. She was looking forward to December with her when the two would go to the mall.(A huge cute idea!) and that crashed down on her because you refuse to open up to anyone you refuse to pick up a phone and yell and curse at me herself. Trust me my friends are my friends because they are blunt.
This is how online bullying gets started. What your own flesh and blood did was something that lots of people have committed suicide over. When people try to expose people as something they are not. I guess you missed the whole awareness thing on Wednesday about that. The words she said were some of the same lines said in emails found by parents and police after a student,a child had committed suicide. Its okay to stand up for what you believe and voice an opinion but to do it wrongly,to lie about what the person is like then top if off with I hope "everyone knows.." blah blah is a type of bullying.  I'm sorry that your teaching your kids this.
My kids won't be allowed around that.
There is so much more to say but why? Why say something that might never be read,never understood or never sink in. Taking something seriously and too the heart is the first step. I know you have been like this for years because of your last friend who came and talked me told me these exact words "Hillary,I thank you for coming and staying with us,up until now I had a whole other perspective of how you were based on what your sister has told us..I'm sorry for judging you before I knew you." So I know you have done this before.
Notice I never deleted anything that was said. Never brought anyone into it that didn't need to be. You can not bring me down. You have always done this. You tried to say mom treated Keith better.  And if I ever find out or even start to wonder if that was why what happened September 7th 1990 had anything to do with what you said about him or the parents he loved dearly. You and I will fight like the devil. You were never hated.You were never not favored. And you keep repeating that. You keep repeating that mom and dad didn't like you all stuff you know is not true. You know it by how mom jumps at anything to do with you. Book sale,shop hop or what ever its called,get together,facebook she likes almost everything you write,advice she always responds,stuff for the kids-shes there. More then any of us actually. I have never been to one of R's(Not saying the names of children) plays but how many has mom been too??? How many times has she came over too cook that crap that the three of you like..sammie pea wiggle or salmon pea wiggle???? Who found a ride in an ice storm to make it for one of your childrens births? Uh huh you know who it was. Your mother. Your one and only mother. You can't take back missed holidays when shes gone,you cant say your sorry when shes in a casket(fingers crossed that will be many many years away) You can't call her for advice when shes gone. You have once chance,one mother,one life. Live it right. If your such a good person. Show it. Show it to the person who was fat with you for 9mos. Many men won't even date a woman with kids the fact that Dad did and made sure you guys approved was one hell of a guy still is. Mabel? I believe his little nickname is for you? I know a step dad right now that has nothing to do with his step son. Very sad. He has said before "Ain't my child,so its her(the wife) problems when it comes to him" Thats harsh.
So in conclusion. Sit back put your feet up and tell me when I have EVER done any of these to you:

  • Cursed at you.
  • Told you,You can not see my kids. Me not anyone else but ME?
  • Walked away from you
  • Talked at all the way your kids talked to me,to them.
  • Threatened not showing up to a family function because you would be there
  • Walked into a room and was hostile towards you or your family
  • Judged your children
  • Put you down (I have always bragged about you.) Amazing. Amazing person to raise three kids on your own. Never said any different.
  • Not been there when you have invited me somewhere (I cried at R's 6th or 8th-Might have been both grade graduation damnit)
  • Said I didn't like you
  • Said you were a bad mother.
Again You live once,There's no second chance when death strikes. Don't shed tears when someone is no longer there. Don't grieve for someone who you don't respect.

I can't take back having you in the birthing room with me. I trusted you were honest when you said we would try. I called you to be there. And I know lots of people who wouldn't want siblings seeing there junk.

As you can all see I kinda wrote this like she was going to read it. Doubt she will. Because if she had my blog you would think she would have commented on my posts there were really heart-felt and showed that I needed obviously some guidance and kindness. So I pray that she does not have my blog for the fact that it was yet another way for my sister to contact me and be there for me and she was not. I'd still to this day fight some of the men in her life that I think mistreated her,I'd like to personally put a bullet in ones leg for some of the things he has said about his child and Marya. I can be very protective.
Sorry you all had to see the drama on facebook. I love you all. I love my little family but I also know even on my own I still need my parents. =)
After 2 anxiety attacks and a crying mom and a very angry husband I am hoping this post let out some sadness I feel. Hoping I won't completely go psycho and punch anything now. I almost threw an egg at the neighbor for gods sake,lol he would understand as I warned as many people as I could. Bless their hearts. =)
Still here for anyone else who needs me,just because I'm having a rough time does not mean I can't be someone's ears. =) Like I said I am very protective and don't mind whoopin a$$ and taking names. =)
"When in doubt,Knock em out" Always said that. That has been my trade mark saying along with "When I hit someone I want them to go down like a shot of tequila!" Hence why I work out. haha.

On another note my Mother in law is dropping in town tomorrow. Should be a good day. =)
Some photos once again to show how much I love my family.
My beauties and pride and Joy.

Good Morning!

The sun is out. Joes making money. The kids are down for their nap. Life is okay. =)
I will write a post soon explaining the lovely family drama. But for now I need to keep myself calm. Yesterday I had major chest pains and a headache from stress. I never wanted to be that person. Always wanted to be a calm easy going type person. So I am indulging in the sun and picking up my house a little.
I have a lot I want to write about this mornings events but I know for now I must just let things be. Since I have no idea what was in my families OJ. They fell off their rocker I think....
No no not thinking about them.
Back to enjoying my Sunday in my small apartment...but you know I get everything I want....SO I will take a house with a pool...Hm. no no not thinking about them.
I made blueberry muffins this morning for the kiddos and they were not real crazy about them. I believe breakfast is so important and thats one of the meals they refuse to really eat. They take a few bites but thats about it. Nothing cuter then a mom in her pjs running around getting a full course meal together...and nothing is more aggravating then her kids not eating it. Haha.
Gonna start my laundry in a minute. I try so hard not to do much on Saturday,kinda how I was brought up but man does it seem like its the only day I have motivation.Ugh.
Hoping to get some good pictures. I'm using a friends camera so its really hard to set the setting to be what I want because I feel like I am messing hers up.=/
Gonna leave ya with some photos.
A post will be coming about things. No worries. =)
The last photo was 100% unedited but we know I am not a fan of edited photos. I had it on a slower shutter time and it caught Stefano as he was bending over the bed but made him like transparent,even blended into the bed like. But thats his yellow sweater. Way cool I thought. =)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Last one I swear lol

Survey to make up for the Sundays I have missed. And maybe just being honest and not thinking about what I am writing will help. =) So I found this one and liked how random but serious it was.

1-What is your get away?Picture taking.
2-Name the person and the one thing irritating you about them-Joe and how he is handling things.
3-Favorite type of dog?Rottweiler and German Shepherds.
4-Do you ever take longer in the shower then needed to feel away from the world? YES,lately anyway.
5-What is really bothering you? The fact that I'm not happy and its Fall and its almost my birthday. I should be on cloud 9. *takes breath* That felt good.
6-Do you eat cake at birthday parties? Haha sometimes but not always.
7-How do you answer the phone? Hello with an extra "O".
8-What noises do you hear right now? Laundry machine,dryer and my son attempting to drink from a cup.
9-What about your self would you like to change? Obviously my weight but something lately thats a pain is the fact I can't tell where noises are coming from....
10-What do you want for Christmas? haha I don't celebrate Christmas but my bday is in 3 days and I want to be happy and a tripod. =)
11-What is something you bitch to much about? wow good one,Letting the cats in and out lol.
12-What are your views on the death penalty? I am all for it. I am for cops shooting people that deserve it. I am for self defense. Our Jails are too full..too many bad people are being let out to hurt others because of how our system works.
13-How are you feeling? Okay,Could be better.
14-What is your favorite food grilled? Steak.
15-What is your most least favorite thing to clean?Ceiling,small things,fans and the kitchen in general. But I do it because I hate things dirty or unorganized. =)
16-If you could start your own buissness what would it be?Either something with photography,a restraunt or hehe a Bounty hunter. =)
17-Do you sleep with your door closed?Noooo
18-First three words that come to mind? Failure,family,Soothe
19-What are you going to do today? Clean...Helps me think and clear my mind.
20-Whose music gets you pumped?Pink,Eminem and Timberland.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Picture time

Will write whats been going on probably tomorrow. Not much to fill you all in on. =)

Wear purple

Wearing purple does not mean you support peoples sexual orientation but it does mean you don't think they should be bullied for it..You don't think they should commit suicide for the things classmates have said to them...Might even be for the same reason I am wearing nothing but purple today.
I'm wearing purple because I'm not that one that in the end matter,so why should I judge now. They are gods creatures and god will be the judge in the end. I am not going to bully someone who is doing no harm but let some rapist have a easy life..which one would you have the most problem with? No one should commit suicide but which would you rather leave the earth an innocent person who prefers the same sex or a child molester? Simple pick huh? So why are so many gays committing suicide but not many rapists and molesters are? The answer...our generation of youths. Don't judge until you know. Its not even right to judge a murderer until you know.
No one deserves to be bullied when teenage years are already hard enough.
You are trying to find yourself,trying to be true,trying to be the best you can be...all at the same time you are being bullied. Your trying to succeed,your trying to be tough your trying to be the best.
Teenage years-lets not forget the relationship heartaches,the homework up to our ears,the parents who didn't wanna quite let go,learning to drive...It all hits at once. Its some of the toughest years of our life,why are we letting others make it even harder?
Speak up.
Speak loud.
Be someones rock.
In the words of Ellen D.-"The world is changing.. And you should be around to see it." =)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Randomness on a rainy day

  • Is it just me or is celebrating anything under a year in a relationship is just teenager like?
  • I forgot how hard it is to get into Gothic pants...if the straps are in front you gotta try and step over them practically killing yourself just to make sure they are in the back where they belong...Just sayin'
  • Its an amazing feeling to have a hubby at-least 2% EXAMPLE-I went to take the garbage out,he had done it,I went to give the cats water,he had done it,I went to put dinner away,he had done it...LOVE that.
  • My kids are gonna send me to the loony bin!
  • I wanted to let people know that I am not being anti social...but I do not celebrate Halloween or I won't partake in anything that has to do with it. And I DO call things winter things where people thing of things as Christmas things. I take Winter shots of the kids,I decorate for winter...that kinda stuff. Just clearing it up.=)
  • Mafia hats can make anyone look sexy!
  • *Claps* SO happy about the Chile miners that all got out. Just not sure if the fact of one bringing there to see him get out was his wife and his that true????
  • My comfort zone is not just one place. =)
  • I'm looking forward to snow for one reason...Flashy lights people...that's right...flashy lights! 
That sums things up for random thoughts! =)
Just a rainy Friday here with two kiddos who are being kids but also being kids who are pushing their luck!
Joe won't get out early like he usually does on Fridays which sucks because we have more things to discuss and a weekend to begin!
Just realized things are revolving around 3...3yr anniversary...and I'll be 23 this
Gonna leave you with a few more pics. =)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Voices from the heart

I want someone to grab my hand and lead me
Sweet smiles and bright sun
Kind words and and compliments
Daily love
An older version of you
A newer better version of the old you
I want someone to walk through the bad with me
I want someone to hold my mind still 
My heart to skip a beat when our lips meet
My voice to crackle with pride when your name appears
I want to rush to the bathroom to put that red lipstick on
To then make my mark on you
I want surprises 
I want letters closed with a kiss
I need that companionship
No more imaginary friends
Its you and I

Steal my eyes away
Take my thoughts too a new place
Put your touch on my gifts
Think and miss me when your gone
Call me baby when I'm down
Put your arm around me
When another guy comes around
Never break a promise
Laugh harder with me
Then anyone else

Fight to help me
Fight to hold on to me
Never let go
Never let me go
Remember the vows
Remember words spoken
Breathe in my ear soft spoken words
Graze my neck with your gentle lips

Kiss me hello
Kiss me good-bye
Love me hard
Care harder
Take a step back when I'm mad
Take a step forward when I cry
Remember what I have given up
Remember who I can be
Remember what you do that I can't
Remember how much I try

My words are kept
Lock and key
Love more
Pick the pieces up
Hold them gently
Remember...I am human too.

Shots of Life.

Hold you over until I get a permanent camera. Still missing mine.

Lets play makeup together

What a title huh?
Thats how I feel...feeling like adult time.conversation..what ever is few and far in-between. I would love to just lock myself in the bathroom and give myself a complete makeover and I could because that would give Joe time with the kiddos but I feel really odd leaving my kids for just 20mins.
I know the whole not sleeping all of a sudden after Joe leaves is not helping. Not sure what my problem is...well wait...I know half of what it is...I watch the news too much...*sigh*
Mentally,my mind is just taking its toll on me. I keep thinking things that I then over-analyze or am wrong about. My mind keeps telling me somethings not right...and usually its my gut that tells me. Joe and I are just not getting where I want to enough. Thats aggravating and messing with my head. I am not a person who says one thing and does another. I am not someone who hold back a full hand of aces,I deal all on the table. I tell my feelings easily. When I go in and work out a problem or attempt to fix a problem it better work and stay that way or I get mind wondering and frustrated. Example: Joe and I have started Lingerie Friday nights. So guess what that means,if he all of a sudden didn't want that or made an excuse not to or something that would bother me because our words to each-other was that this might help get the ball rolling into the right pocket. Or if I told him to stop fibbing and he said he would and didn't that little type of stuff really pisses me off. And fibbing is one of Joes faults. So with nothing changing,my mind and heart is not where I want it to be. Granted unless your a prince all around,I won't treat you like one. Joe could be a 10 at-least in my eyes if he would step it back up. If he has someone who does what they say they will..then why can't he do the same? If we fight and I say..well I will do this or do that or what bet your ass I do it. I believe in strong relationships..I know *gasp* didn't think I had that in me huh? Well its word..words coming out of my mouth is good enough for me to change,I don't need to promise or pinky promise or kiss and make up to do what I say I'm gonna do.
It don't matter with Joe. He will not change or help the relationship so frankly...not sure it can be saved at this point.
This week has gone good but when I think about what went good..Joes not in the picture....That even at my young immature age of 22..does not sound right to me. Cuddling before bed and laughing during a few shows...that makes me smile to think about...but then I think about the negative....and that makes it all start again....
Enough about my rotting marriage.
Random thoughts.
-My kids are doing excellent. No sickness's. Sleeping at night. Still worried about how much milk Stefano drinks during the day. Outside time seems to get shorter and shorter with how cold it gets at night.

-Just saw my friends wedding dress. I've known her for about 9yrs,and she moved back to the state with all her family...and I just don't think financially I can make her wedding....breaks my heart. She looks gorgeous in the dress.

-Tomorrow I hope to get some cleaning done and just clear my head....maybe blast some music and have some silly,getting out emotion time.   I'm in all honesty a alone type of photographer. I am a amateur photographer and not an editor so I hunt and snap snap pics till I get a good one or one I like. No editing usually. What brought that up was thinking about cameras and how the 365 is going. Everyone's shots are thought out and edited....can't you just step outside and find something to take pics of? Don't get me wrong I do love the site and the people on it are nice.Just something my mind has been thinking about.

-I can not wear black pants...somehow they show everything! Haha.
-I gotta clean some toys as my son had fun with baby lotion yesterday.

Well I am off to get the kids from their nap. =)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Tag sale!

As I write this,Joe is outside dealing with 4 costumers. We won't make much off this tag-sale because its really just a end of the year,getting rid of our junk type But we have made over 20 bucks.
So beautiful out. Love October. Did I mention that? hehe
At the end of the day,I guarantee there will be a free box at the end of the driveway,things will not be re-entering my attic. =)
Good mood so far,little snappy this morning but sadly as gangsta looking as Joe is...hes a little high maintenance lol..I just wanted to make tag sale signs on cardboard so it wouldn't bend or anything in the wind...he gave me every excuse in the book on why it wouldn't work and he HAD to spend money on poster-board and time to get the poster-board. Oy! Men!
Kids are down for nap/quiet time. Stefano did excellent last-night. Never got up and went down pretty easily.
I would love..going to be really honest in this next random sentence...I would love to start my Esty store thingy so I could have extra money for Lingerie and under garments. I LOVE feeling girly and sexy. I love knowing that's under my clothes will make a guy melt...well half melt since I am a tad overweight...barely any stretchmarks but I got the belly instead. I only have 4-5 pieces of lingerie...for a person like me...that's not that many. I got to get my act together and start working on the stuff I want to sell. =)
I love writing happy note,positive,none ranting posts! =)
So any-who I gotta make a drs appointment soon,since this rash thingy on my hand is getting worse and now its a pain,can't touch water with it at all because it then hurts,all the little cuts hurt...Then I gotta go make sure some moles are not cancerous.Yay.
Now that I took this long to write..the kids are up and eating lunch. Haha I am slow at these things,I start writing then get up and do stuff.
I organized all the folders in our room that had papers in it that I think we might need. Job well done. Now once the tag sale is done it will be organizing the attic.
Well Off to catch up on Facebook.

Friday, October 8, 2010


Man am I a bear without my camera. I like stepping outside with it and just entering my own world when I take pictures....
When it rains it pours.
Joe is still acting distant which is annoying. Claims its stress. Hes always been stressed and that never stopped him before. I could turn him down because I knew he would ask the next day or in an hr lol. *sigh* ranting on won't change that. Talking to him don't change it.Being nice don't change it. I give up. Gonna act like a nun from now on and see how he likes that. Conservative Raven. It works for other people. Bitch.
SEE I told you I am horrible when things just keep happening. My camera is one thing but then to find out Joe was about 300 dollars off what he claimed his paycheck would be. That ruins things. Acting like a know it all.
One good thing is tonight is suppose to be us time. One of our shows is premiering tonight and stuff but I guarantee you nothing rated R will happen. This is ducking stupid! Complained that I don't put out too much,complained and FOUGHT with me when I said hes playing the little wussy. Him and the chick that's pissing me beyond off would make a great couple!!! Ugh! Sorry I'm doing it again...ranting and raving about something I obviously can't change.
Oh the things going through my head. I wanted today to be a good day but thinking about my convo with Joe last night that got no where. The fact that tomorrow I wanted to go picture taking. The fact that my competitiveness has to be put on hold because once again the shit happens to me while queen can't take a freaking compliment is walking around with a perfect life even though shes bugging me and irritates a few different day I'll tell you who she is but today is not that day because its still on like donkey Kong!
I don't care what other people do,say,act...but I always pick this one person that just brings out the competitive side of me which is good and bad.....good because it makes me do things and think of things I  might not have if I was not competing...but then I tend to not like the person and I tend to get very angry if I lose or start too.
Just so frustrating. This house should not work the way it does,it should work better like the kids should have been somewhere this week. Joe should not get stressed about things he causes.I didn't deserve to lose my camera(selfish remark,but no one deserves to lose their camera so its not like this is all about me) Financially we should be okay,Joe needs to stop acting macho when he ain't even close to a man. Told everyone he makes 12.50 an hr turns out he makes 12...but you know its okay when Joe lies. *$&#$&!

Trying to turn my mood around really I am. Gonna do some cleaning. Enjoy the weather. Must think positive. Must have a good day. Must not come off as someone whose angry and selfish and just a bitch. I'm not normally like that. I'm blunt don't get me wrong but that's it.
Deep breath. Thanks for reading haha I prob wouldn't even read this. This one really was a "Raven woke up on the wrong side of the bed" post. Although I really am feeling depressed about my camera and what its taken away...I'm only slightly mad at "her",slightly mad at Joe and a little peeved I don't have money. And I want my son to talk. Those things are whats really on my mind and of course for the 200th time. The lack of Joe and I closeness in this house. But hey who needs sex but once a week,right? oy...Kill me now.
I'm leaving so I won't rant on.
I will write a thankful post in a little bit since it TGIF!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Sad Sad

Not having a camera is going to make me the worst person EVER too deal with. I was holding on to that camera and indulging in it more and more. Main reason was it would let me get one after taxes came back that was SLR,so I would have both types of cameras. The fact I had pictures on it,is annoying. The fact I can't remember what really did happen to it,pisses me off. Did the kids throw it out? Or did Joe drive off with it on the hood of the truck? Just simply bothers me. I reach for that thing all the time.
I'm camera hunting,with no money of course but I am doing my research and to be honest I just want mine. There is one upgraded camera thats the same one just a tad bit better but its $200.... Not sure I want to spend that much. If it was a SLR I'll spend a thousand or better one day but for now I just want to capture my ideas,nature,my kids and family occasions. Really upset. Words can't express how disappointed in myself I am.  The night everything happened I was talking about it and how I had to hunt for "workers" for the 36f theme this week and did I think to say "Where is my camera" no,did anyone look for it no...and that night we could have found it/saved it. Everything happened Wed. The garbage got taken and Joe drove off with the truck too work.
Depressed over a camera. Ickest feeling because people are like "You don't act like this over something important" or they think I'm acting immature. My camera distracts me from a lot. It soothes me in a way that nothing else has ever done. And its a small talent of mine...and god knows I don't hold much talent. Lol. I love being creative,and I have ideas but getting those ideas made...well that's the hard part for me.
Joe bless his heart almost bought me a $600 dollar camera...He's trying but he just does not understand I'm so angry and pissed off that its hard to find a camera that is speaking to me right now. Its hard to make a decision I wasn't going to make until March or so.And there's a chance the idea of spending this money won't work out. Oy! Got to wait for Joe to get home to see how his paycheck is and if he paid rent and blah blah. The day is dragging by! 
High anxiety again. I think its a mix of the weather,there is a few people that I am worried about and wish I could help more,Been in the house since Monday. Joe leaves but why would he ask us to go along that would be silly.Watching the news...also not my best move. =/
I'm a camera whore...I want my camera BACK. I am not just buying one with money we really don't hard...and I don't have a cell that takes pics and can be put on the internet. And my cell is strictly for Joe and I...hehe..... 
Well off to see if I can find me a camera....for the 5th time today and 9th time all together. I found one that I really liked but it does not have a rechargeable battery and I can't have that. =)
Write later

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Recipe Wednesday

 Parmesan Orzo and Meatballs
1 1/2cups frozen bell pepper and onion stir-fry (from 1-lb bag)
2tablespoons Italian dressing
1 3/4cups Progresso® beef flavored broth (from 32-oz carton)
1cup uncooked orzo or rosamarina pasta (6 oz)
16 frozen cooked Italian-style meatballs (from 16-oz bag)
1 large tomato, chopped (1 cup)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1/4cup shredded Parmesan cheese
  • 1In 12-inch nonstick skillet, cook stir-fry vegetables and dressing over medium-high heat 2 minutes. Stir in broth; heat to boiling. Stir in pasta and meatballs. Heat to boiling; reduce heat to low. Cover; cook 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
  • 2Stir in tomato. Cover; cook 3 to 5 minutes or until most of the liquid has been absorbed and pasta is tender. Stir in parsley. Sprinkle with cheese.
  • Now I did pepper and onion that was not in a bag or anything and I did half an onion and a whole green pepper. I also did a can of diced tomatoes instead of the 1 large tomato. AND I did Kraft's triple cheddar blend for the cheese part.
It was delicious!

Heres my  picture.

Fail 1090349

Great weekend...great Monday...Bad Tuesday. Its almost like Joe and I have to be nice at each-other or it just all blows up...Yesterday I said one thing that was bothering me and not only did he seem to not care but it ended being all about him and he left in that stupid blue car of his. SOMEONE BUY IT so maybe Joe will grow a pair!
Any-who we made up blah blah blah even though once again it felt completely fake. How lovely. This is what I get for being an amazing communicator and telling him everything that's wrong instead of walking around snappy and lying saying "Nothing is wrong"??? I ain't no miss independent,we have been over this so he knows for the most part what goes on in this house and on my computer. There's bits and pieces I leave out. But let me tell you,hes involved in all my shit lol. It was a blast having him help me with the breast awareness shots I took(I shall post in a few minutes) He has no problem with the site I put them on,now If I put them on facebook might have been a diff story. Or if they did not come out as nice he might have said something. But let me tell you if he had told me no I would have sent him into next year. A while back I TOLD him to add an ex back onto his facebook because deleting her was not my issue it was the amount of talking and the not showing me. WELL the minute I was nice and didn't really wear the pants there..BAM he screwed up with her. And his words? "It was curiosity" DUDE shes an ex. You want her back go have her. Not gonna hurt my feelings. This dude owes me.
And if I hear in the next week this line again "You have to start trusting me more,its been a month" I'm walking to where ever you get divorce papers and getting them right then and there...well I'll drive but you know what I mean. Its going to take over a year to get back the 4 you screwed up!
So ladies count your blessings if your husbands hold on to you and come to you with things bothering them.I could seriously smell like another dude and Joe would ask nothing,worry about nothing,say nothing...It sucks. It makes me feel not worthy of his attention. That and the lack of intimacy kinda don't help.
So again if your other half is all over you and cares about what goes through your head and cares about you and what does or does not go on in your house...smarten the fuck up and get your act together. Your type pisses me off. Your fine single your fine taken but your okay with being taken and not really having the best relationship,I hate you for that. I am working on my 4th yr of trying to make my relationship better...I got it for 4 days and now its back down the shitter. Ungrateful *$*$*#*$... These feelings are probably based on reality shows lol I get asked and talked to about a lot of relationships but none really relate to me or mine.

On to another part of my life. Stefano goes to bed better now....but is up from anywhere from 1am-5am or is up all hrs..not crying just like a mad scream like. Really sucks. BUT I know things will change and one day I will want him back in that crib so I know where he is and know hes safe.

I love my mom but...all this week shes busy going here going there spending this doing that...yet she pleads no money...hmmmm. She could have a side job to be able to afford all her socializing and she don't. Shes amazing at making runners,kids blankets,crocheting things,quilting....*sigh*

Well thats it for now. I will be back with two recipes and anything else I feel like rambling on about. =)

All my breast Cancer awareness shots. =)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Kids first parade!

North Adams,MA October 3rd,2010. Both kids first parade they had ever been too. So fun too see their expressions!

Friday, October 1, 2010


To show I am in a slightly better mood. Haha I am posting some pictures.  Gonna try not to rant so much. Even though its my blog I realize that people might not care lol.
Its raining STILL. This is crazy,everyone though it would be over by now.

Pasta for brains

Are people stupid or are people stupid?????
My husband does not get that if you suck with money then you need to let the better one handle it. His dumb-ass family does not get that if they remember correctly all Joe did was get what he wanted and spent money on bullshit...which prob means he's the cause of our finance problem not my mother. You dumb Italian. Because you and your ex wife will not have a adult parenting convo with your son who is obviously out of control and ruining a good thing..we are 2,000 dollars behind. I'm the right thing in Joes life. I haven't bought clothes in months. My hair,nails,toenails are not done. I don't buy makeup. I use cheap hair products. SO THANK YOU VERY &*CKING much but I nor my family are the problem. And your son should be a with a crack whore. You think Joe will let me take over or my mom like she has before,no hes all of a sudden good at money and blah blah,basically his ass is talking. Hopefully tonight we can go over this and make some changes or this really isn't going to work out. With his smoking,girl addictions,money problems and his hygiene issues...there's nothing left that's good about him except he goes to work.
Considering I got checked out today,literally up and down I'm cool with a divorce you get the right guy that was brought up right I'm a good catch.
I have no cell phone bill,I do not talk on the phone for hrs,I'm not high maintenance,I do my own hair most the time,my own nails ALL the time,I can cook,I'm a cleaningaholic,Never spend money on things that I shouldn't,I watch sports,HUGE football fan,I know stuff about cars,I can fix most my own problems around this house,I shower almost every day,I don't wear frumpy clothes,I like to cuddle but not constantly,Nympho,I put others before myself...that's what I have been doing for 4yrs with this douche-bag but he thinks I shouldn't talk to him family and blah blah. He does not get he has another family right now and HE married into a family and I married into a family. That means his parents need to talk to me,the better person. When Joe came up here,he wasn't talking to any of his parents,high,jobless,car-less,no money....I had a car,money,a plan and a wonderful close family.
Ugh! Makes me sick to my stomach the way him and his family are acting.

Getting madder the more I I better stop lol.
AND you the idiot who CLAIMED they are poor,and everything is getting shut off and blah blah...get your acts together and you would be fine! and you didn't get shut off. Liar. Trying to compete to see who is more poor? Thats messed up!!! An example of people who suck with money. And the wife spends way to much on stupid stuff. Yet she has talent to be bringing in some money as we speak. I have no talent so I can not so boy does it make me peeved to see that. Your poor because you choose to be babes.
But you know Joe you have life rough,I'm so mean..My nympho,financially smart,cooking, cleaning,complimentary wife of yours! Go live with some of these other losers and see it. Go live with a women WHO DOES do everything. INCLUDING budget. GO be with someone who tells you nothing about what goes on. You stupid bastard.

*sigh* and I was being so positive lately and so calm....BAM No longer.
I'm selling some stuff on Ebay in a few weeks and Joe prob ain't gonna like what I'm selling but since he don't want me using the stuff that I bought FOR him...someone else's hubby,boyfriend,other half can enjoy it. Its lingerie by the way that has been worn 2 times by me but I spent $180 dollars on it (back when we had money) but he never wants me in it. Unless...haha that's just mean of me to even think...HAHA..... that people think I'm just a horrible person,I shall go clean my house since its Friday and try to cool off. So I don't physically hurt anyone. Just remember I don't exaggerate anything so this is really what I go through,live like..the whole nine yards. Its bullshit and its gonna end now or very soon.