Rain rain

Yesterday was gorgeous..today possible flooding and bad windy rain. Joy to the world.
Just a quick little update.
Stefano went down in under 10mins last-night but was up at 3am...and I left him! He was back to sleep on his own in about 10mins. YES! Strong mama!
Today I think I'll catch up on my facebook and send some gifts out and play mafia...that kinda stuff. I mean its coming down!
Kids are still sleeping,went in they didn't seem to wanna get up,Stefano kept pointing to the light in the kitchen which meant he wanted it off and I said "that's okay I'll give you your sippys in here and you can listen to the rain for awhile" that was 40mins ago!!!
Think I'm done putting up fall decorations...for now. Hoping Saturday to go on a little trip to get some good foliage shots.
Thumpy might need to come in if I feel hes getting too rained on...time Joe gets home he will die from all the fur in the house....Hes allergic to him.
Random thought but when I was doing my hair I realized its long enough to strangle someone...haha like at night if Joe rolls over and I roll over and stuff my hair could be dangerous. =)

Last day of September! Bring on October.
This month will be 3yrs for Joe and I.
I will be 23. *cries*
My daughter will be 18mos.
My son will be half way to three. *cries harder*
My Trixie will have been apart of this house for 2yrs.
First October in about 5 yrs I have not had a mouse.
My mom will be 61 this month.
I will once again have to explain why my kids are not in costumes for Halloween.
Picture taking will be more often with the gorgeous fall things.
Many friends birthday are in October.
Ah October.
Well I am off to see if I can get some stuff done and get the kids rolling so they will go down for their regular nap time. =)
Write later.
Keep dry East Coast!!
Tootles

Wanna know some secrets?

I do have a favorite baseball team....and they are in the playoffs. OH,Y'all thought I didn't have a favorite team..ok OK its a team I will root for and like. Maybeee not a favorite.

The only way I really like spaghetti is if there is hamburg in the sauce.

I love soy chocolate milk.

Ice tea is a drug to me. =)

I do not TOLERATE..ANY animal cruelty I will be in your face and around the corner if I think for a second your being unreasonable,mistreating,abusing..an animal. =)

I only like 3 flowers. Mums,Roses and black eyed susans. =) The rest are just pretty.

I love to swing.

October is my favorite month.

I have never ever texted while driving and the last time I talked on a phone and drove I was 16....

I drink about 5 Smirnoff's a yr and that's it. =)



Photos to end this post. Happy Wednesday all!

Will post a recipe tomorrow.
Tootles

 My dad.

 Old random cemetery.

The last picture is the guy people claim I act the most like. My grandfather. =) My idol.

Blabber blabber

I am all for the ban on texting while driving and talking on the phone while driving. Totally not cool how many accidents have been caused. And I personally know I have had run ins with bad drivers and it was because they were on the phone and boy did I have a few chose words for them especially if my kids were in the car.
Okay feel better that I voiced that lol.
I'm what people sometimes call a selective vegetarian. I eat no...dark meat,pork, sea-fish(except haddock),duck,veal,any bird but turkey or chicken,deer,odd things like alligator...A hen I won't eat..I hate eating chicken thighs...I'm very odd lol. WELL among that list was Bison I'm not sure why I'm so against eating anything but the normal common things..ok ok pork is way common and I eat nothing from a pig NOTHING. But my mom had some and mixed it with hamburg...boy was it hard taking the bites but I did and I will never do it again. Only thing that saved me was not tasting it. Its not the killing that bothers me...its something else and I can't put my finger on it. Pig I don't get because of what the bible says. Anything that scavenge or that are called scavengers I don't eat. NEVER had a type of shell fish in my life or shrimp. NEVER had pork except ham once and that was a *gag* felt wrong type moment. But I now know where I stand. =) P.S I dont eat anything from a goat either.

Anyway gorgeous day..just still not thrilled with Joe and I. He makes so little eye contact when I ask him things its not even funny...that worries me. Ah well life goes on. Just with everything could be happy. I love the weather,financially we are still WAY behind. but other things are going well and if I could top it off with a good relationship,BAM I would be in heaven. =)

Stefano slept through the night which is awesome...the not so awesome part??? 45mins...that's right 45mins of screaming and crying...no tears, the fake crying...oy! But that's how you break a habit. He slept beautifully too. He got his hair cut yesterday. Looks so handsome. I only trust one lady so when she stops doing hairdressing I might just cry.

My mom is gonna hang out here today with us. Sunday we are gonna try to get to North Adams Ma for the fall parade. Yay! 

Well I am off to finish up some cleaning before my mom gets here and the kids take their nap. 

Write more later.

Tootles.

Whats going on.

Basics. I went to my moms today to help my dad and to get the kids out of the house. She made my favorite meal because she rocks. Home made Mac and cheese,hot dogs and peas. Which made me think...my kids almost never have anything boxed to eat,its always home made AND I never feed them the same thing in a week. AND they have never have had spaghetti and meatballs...I just don't want to get in that funk where all you feed your kids is chicken nuggets,boxed mac&cheese and spaghetti. Nothing wrong with that as long as there is some good veggies and fruit along with it. YES I am one of those moms.A little dessert never hurt a child but other wise no sweets. Can't believe I'm that type of mom. I hope that does not bother people. I'm not judging just expressing how I am and my thoughts.
On tonight's menu its Sauteed in veggie oil chicken with 4-cheese rice and a veggie for the kids. I like steamed veggies and I don't have any on hand so the adults have to deal with no veggies lol.
I would how ever like to get the kids drinking things other then milk. *sigh*

So anyhow Joe and I so far still getting along..I trust nothing he does but that's because I am a bitch not because I might become heartbroken. I just don't deserve to tolerate things that are not right. One of those things happens to be lying and another is hiding things. And that's not even covering his actions that he could possible do again.
Theres very few things I do not tell Joe,but thankfully hes Italian nothing bothers him haha.
We really don't quite match because this house could be filthy and he would be fine with it haha,he even has a pet owner that means business no cat goes potty in this house lol so no nasty cat boxes,and USUALLY I can find what ever he wants or needs. I loveee being organized. Why waste money on another of something or what ever just because you lost the old/first one? Silly.

Well I am off. Hope this week just goes by with out any anxiety. Stefano please sleep through the night! Your a big boy!= ) I think its just a phase or something but still.
Write tomorrow.
Tootles

Silent

Funny Raven?

Well I know a lot of people just kinda think of me as a Bitch....haha so I wanted to tell you all about some of the things I did this week/end that I know isn't all that common. Which makes me...well...Me...=)

At the beginning of the week I had two cherry tomatoes left well I wanted them off my counter so the fruit flies would get lost so I wanted to put them in the fridge but why waste a container on two...instead I put them in a shot glass...yup I had cherry tomato's sitting in my fridge in a shot glass. =)

Joe just bought me on Tuesday I believe,some chap stick..I already lost it...I have this horrible habit of when I get into bed sending Joe to find it because its never where it should be...in high school and still to this day if I don't have pockets I'll store it in my bra.            And no its not there,I looked. Its lost forever I fear.

I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday and I THOUGHT I was putting in comet for the toilet and I realized I had grabbed the baby powder that was under the sink...regardless baby powder does not clean toilets well at all. =)

Today I found myself half naked in out attic...NOW wait there's a reason and a good one. I have clothes from my pre pregnant days up there and sometimes I go through it every so often to change things up because some things in the tote still fit well to make sure they fit I was trying the clothes on up in the attic.... =)

Yesterday while walking the stroller was fine while Joe was pushing it...I start pushing it back home because we take turns...the wheel starts acting up...Karma? Its possible.

I've been in the mood lately to wear my out dated heels but still I love them and yesterday I was wearing my wedge heels and almost killed my daughter when I stepped in a hole like in the backyard and almost landing on her. =) I hate our backyard I still say someone will pay for what they did to it. =)

Theres a lot more that goes on but I can't remember my name let alone everything silly stupid I did and said this week.  
Theres no shame in being silly. There's no shame in being yourself. =)
Now off to sit outside and eat some taco Doritos. =) Anyone notice in this post I really like the =) face?haha
Write later.
Tootles

Randomness

My favorite color is orange

I get really OCD cleaner when I know someone might be stopping by.

My favorite season is Fall.

I just recently tried Dr.pepper Cherry. Very good!

My dryers buzzer drives me insane!

I walk around with 4 walls up and no door in...

I like my voice but I hate trying to pronounce things..I'm not good at it.

I realized that I should have found my passion for photography years ago...might have saved some fights between my parents and I and bf's and I!

Boy meets world,The Golden Girls,Maude,Mama's family and Roseanne are all guilty pleasures

Jersey Shore too. =)

I hate my picture taken by someone else,but by me its okay.

I really want to learn how to sew,I know some of how but I'm still learning.But now I have no sewing machine....


I'm addicted to my nail file....






Beautiful day today. Drs.Appointment later and paying rent. Thats about it. Stefano was up around 4:45am and slept with us then when Joe left he fell asleep on the floor. I was up before he was,kinda cute but at the same time I can't figure out why he don't sleep through the night every night like he use too. Probably a phase,I know that...I just don't like it lol.
The handyman stopped by and informed he has my new window but he has no money to pay for it so he has to wait for our landlord to pay him...oy! He also claims the windows are done....my screens except 2 of them (there's 7) are worse now then they were before. But its so hard to complain when you are behind on rent.
Gonna try to pick up the front and back yard this evening and get some exercise in. Joe is working a longer day today so it don't really feel like a Friday as he would have been home about 45mins ago.
Kids have been napping for about 3hrs or little less. Naps are awesome,Stefano is down to one a day. =)
Well I am off to do some more things,since I have no idea when Joe will be home. Not even really sure when the appointment is lol.
Tootles

Taking the blame

Sometimes you just gotta figure yourself out before things will start to feel normal again..and the last 2-3weeks I have put a lot of it on Joe. I know it really is all his fault because he made my mind think the way it does BUT now its my turn to turn it around so that if Joe does mess up again I won't have spent the few weeks or what ever in between just as angry and upset...That would almost make it seem I was never happy...and that's just not right.

SO Lets talk about the game called life-The next little bit might contain TMI. Again I don't want to offend or even gross anyone out. I love you all too much to scare ya away haha.

Last Night Joe and I finally got that adult time,and you wanna know after-wards what was going through my head??? "Hm where did he learn that?" Then that was followed by the Bill Engvall joke that I have heard a hundred times about the "whatcha learn that from your slutty little girlfriend..."or something along those lines WHICH then was beat out by the Maury show...that's right the Maury show...I have seen this one episode over and over again where the women says her husband or what ever he was was trying to do new sex moves and she was hilarious while she explained it...turned out he was cheating!!!! Ugh! Instead of enjoying the new moves feeling slightly younger and skinny since it was one of those moves you always tend to think your too fat too accomplish. I guess that means my mind might possibly be over exaggerating things which makes me at fault. Unless I'm correct about where he learned it lol. See there goes my mind again. If I weigh what happened..last night was really no concern to worry and today I should just enjoy it.

Suppose to be going for my Depo shot tomorrow but since Joe is doing some sort of training its getting pushed back so I hope its not busy in there. I was just thinking about that,How would Joe react if I had my period again...now before he hated it..now it wouldn't matter because we only have sex every 6 days and my period was always 5 so I'm all set.  Not that I can't please him during the time of the month...but again realizing every angle of what I'm thinking...someone women have bad cramps,bad emotions...etc so who wants to please a guy then??? I don't,I have cramps the first day then its all good. I'm actually in the category of the ones they talk about in Cosmo..I am more "Happy" during that time then usual. So,Joe really does not lose out on much when I did have it. Which brings me to a question someone sent me 3 days ago I believe and forgot I got it,they were really nice about it even though the question is a little BAM out there..

How did you manage to go weeks without sex after your kids if your such a sex addict?- WOW,Not really a sex addict thanks,and second I waited I wanna say 1-2weeks or maybe the recommended 3...not sure but I didn't go that long because I know my body and I'm not one that's shy during the deed so if it hurt I would have told him and that be it. I was not scared to have it after a birth. But that's me. I'm a toughy! =) Thanks for the question though it was fun to think about and answer!

I also have noticed I am grumpy lately so that would cause some of the tension in the house,once again something that's my fault. How many guys get horny over grouchy gals? Not many. How many guys get attitudes when their hunny is grumpy? A lot. So that explains some things.

Ooo boy is it fall! Leaves are falling,leaves are changing,anytime my cats walk around outside now you can hear the crackling of leaves. Simply lovely.
Want to know what else is lovely? The fact that my son slept through the night last night and didn't need Joe to get him to sleep first,he fell asleep in his crib by himself and stayed asleep. I'm wondering if it was something as simple as a tooth or constipation maybe. I feared bad dreams or out growing his crib...but not sure.
My parents went to the Big E today. Huge thing in Mass,Big ol fair like thing. I went twice I believe but now with Joe its hard to go to Mass with him for reasons. Actually he won't go to Massachusetts at all.Bummer.
Like October 3rd is a get together at my what I call Aunt and Uncles because they are like family because there's a fall parade that goes by their house. Kids first parade,time with family,Joe gets to know areas I use to visit & over all a fun time! But he won't go to Mass. Its just right in North Adams...Maybe I can convince him,I REALLY wanna go!

My picture taking is taking different turns,and I'm loving it. Just need that better camera lol. I love doing portraits,I remember taking the one of my Aunt,granted it wasn't set up to be like a portrait but she looks so beautiful in it I call it a portrait. (I will post below.) I'm doing a tad bit of editing but a fun edit not a taking what nature offered and changing the colors or anything like that.I take a shot that's semi okay...what made it okay was the shadows behind it and turned it into something way cool.

I liked how it came out!

Well I should probably go and tend to the kids messes they have created since I started writing this lol. It will be nap time soon or some days its just quiet time. Like now I can tell they are tired because hes just laying down sucking his fingers and shes being obnoxious which is not normally like her.

Needs to be cropped and stuff. Like I said not a portrait but I love finding the right angles to flatter people,the right backdrops,the right light...Love portraits.

Throwing this in to show I am trying and I will stop nagging and being negative and just wait and see what the future holds..maybe he will change this time..for good... =) Although I look a little mean in that shot...hehe.

Tootles!

Recipe Wednesday

 Pizza in a crescent:

INGREDIENTS

1can (8 oz) Pillsbury® refrigerated crescent dinner rolls or 1 can (8 oz) Pillsbury® Crescent Recipe Creations® refrigerated seamless dough sheet

1package pepperoni slices (3 1/2 oz)

4tablespoons spaghetti or pizza sauce

1package (6 oz) mozzarella cheese slices

DIRECTIONS

• 1Heat oven to 375°F.
• 2If using crescent rolls: Unroll dough; separate dough into 4 rectangles. Firmly press perforations to seal. Press or roll into four 7x5-inch rectangles. If using dough sheet: Unroll dough; cut into 4 rectangles. Press or roll into four 7x5-inch rectangles.
• 3Arrange 9 pepperoni slices in center third of each rectangle. Spread 1 tablespoon spaghetti sauce over pepperoni.
• 4Fold each slice of cheese in half; place over pepperoni. Fold short sides of dough to almost meet in center; securely pinch edges together, leaving middle open. Tuck 4 or 5 pepperoni slices into middle opening. Place on ungreased cookie sheet.
• 5Bake 13 to 16 minutes or until golden brown.

 

 

 

 

 

 Chocolate-peanut butter cake

What You Need

1 pkg. (2-layer size) devil's food cake mix

1 pkg.  (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened

3/4 cup Powdered sugar

1/2 cup  Creamy peanut butter

1 pkg. (8 oz.) COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided

6 squares  BAKER'S Semi-Sweet Chocolate

Make It

PREPARE cake batter and bake in 13x9-inch pan as directed on package; cool completely.
BEAT cream cheese and sugar in large bowl with mixer until well blended. Add peanut butter; mix well. Blend in 1 cup COOL WHIP; spread onto cake.
MELT chocolate as directed on package. Mix with remaining COOL WHIP; spread over cake. Refrigerate 1 hour.

Kraft Kitchens Tips

Size-Wise

Looking for a dessert to serve at a party? Peanut butter and chocolate make a great combination in this cake that serves 24 people.

Variation

Prepare using PHILADELPHIA Neufchatel Cheese and COOL WHIP LITE Whipped Topping.

 

Nothing changes

Ah,No worries this isn't that bad of a post or that negative. =)

Stefano is still refusing to sleep in his room at night...NOT COOL! Really aggravating.Probably try seeing if there is something on free-cycle for a toddler bed or something.

I had my talk with Joe,told him what I thought was relevant and stuff and WHO beats me to telling him about the divorce idea??? His...dad!!! Who never asked how I was,never asked if everyone was okay the first thing he said to Joe was "Did she move out?" WHAT!? Sorry but your talking to a gal with a record longer then you are tall I am not no pansy..I don't one day just up and leave what my kids know and love...but thank you for again not knowing anything about me. And not taking responsibility for your son,your a real gem....Ugh!
And of course my WTE mamas came right to my aid when they saw that status so now I must fill everyone in! So here we go Joe said things that made sense made me realize I'm a hard-ass anyway...developing feelings is very hard for me,I get attached to no one,my personality draws attention but I don't like or crave attention...When my kids were born...I didn't cry...my pregnancy was very different then most,I don't get all giggly when the baby moves,I don't let ANYONE but the Dr see my belly,I don't take any vitamins,I don't get excited for ultrasounds- I don't show really any emotion when I'm pregnant..which I know will bother people when they read this...so when Joe said to me that hes really changed since having kids..I started to really listen and he proved a lot to me which for right now hes on the right track to becoming my "Man" not my wussy coward.. I explained things even if I thought he would get mad...which he didn't. I told him compliments I told him negatives I told him that him being fake about sexual things AFTER I complain about them..does not count..I want him to be sexual all on his own. Cuddles,kissing,groping as I make dinner...you know the good stuff. I'm sick of him complaining...that's a girls job and I didn't marry a girl I married a hard working take charge protective does the man jobs of the house type of guy.(with the occasional diaper change haha)
So instead of acting like a bad-ass independent jump the gun chick..we decided to ride the tide a little longer,Joe gets that its okay to be proud even when there's not material things involved,when it takes away from him,its still okay to give and not receive....He can't change over night which is what I'd like...but I give him till my birthday if there is still no more mess ups and a change..maybe we can get back to where we once were.
Haha and to answer peoples questions to me through facebook..

Are you just sexually attracted to Joe and not mentally?-No I'm just a nympho who is proud of that fact. Mentally I have fewer feelings then I once did but that might be my wall going up....

Have you ever just whooped ass on Joe?-LOL first I must say I thought this was saying have I ever farted on Joe lol which I'm a lady..burping and farting is not for me. BUT then I realized they meant have I beat him him. We have had our matches and anyone who is gonna write they are in an open relationship online of course got his ass beat. =)

Do you think you wanting sexual attention gets in the way of other attention and communication in the house?-It could because if I don't get that,I feel neglected..seriously I do,I fell like hes doing something sexual somewhere else,via internet.And please understand his excuse for a lot of mess ups were that I was not putting out enough. I'm a nympho I can put out every hr babe.

How are you so comfortable telling people things about your sex life?-Because sex is not shameful thing...making babies at 13 is sad...having sex with people you don't know is a tad degrading...but sex in my house behind closed doors(sometimes)with my husband I don't find repulsive. Like I said people can talk to me about everything so I need to make sure I can talk to other people about everything as well.


Are you close to Joes family?- Hell to the no! And its sad because my kids are their first grand-kids and I took Joe out a very toxic environment and hes been clean from weed for about 2yrs..I deserve a little credit in the respect sense of things.

That was it for the last few days.
A few photos shall we?

So more of my life..my car insurance is getting canceled...but on a good note Joe makes more now and is highly liked at his new job and we are all proud of him. He usually hates at least one person at a job and I have heard no hatred. =)
Off to facebook it and have a little me time while the kids nap. Fingers crossed that Stefano gets back into sleeping in his crib at night.

Manic Monday....

Nahhhh Today was not that bad. Now if things were paid and I had money in my wallet..all would be excellent. Tomorrow I will head back to my parents to help my dad with some trees,love the excersise it gives me.
Tonight I played some football with Joe so that was good. Felt the burn. Considering I didn't have the healthiest dinner. Lunch was cabbage and turkey kielbasa and onion...Called Bubbles and Squeak.
I really need to go pick up and get Zueda ready for bed so that I can take my shower and then Joe can..and then hopefully some adult time. =)

Heres a few photos from today

My focus was leafs...I love fall. And I love all the angles leafs give you. Short post but at-least everything alright for right now. Still having some trust issues thats making me act like a crazy stalker but eh. =)
Write tomorrow!

Tootles.

Sunday,oh sunday

Today has been over all not to bad of a day.
Went up and scoped out when of my spots I take fall pictures,not quite ready yet but at-least I got the feel of it. Not happy with my diet at all,starting tomorrow with a fresh start,see how I do.
Joe does this fantasy football type thing and he said you pick your choices and see well I almost picked the Bears and Dolphins for 2 of the games,and I didn't I went with the opposing team and now it looks like both teams are gonna win their games. If I had chose them it would have shown Joe up as he choice the other teams too.Grrrr.Always go with your first instinct.
Any-who I laughed at Joe earlier,we decided to eat lunch in bed and watch some DVR as the kids were asleep well time I got done I had more of the food on me then in my tummy so while Joe was getting a drink I just slipped my shirt off and put the blanket up,well he came back and was touchy feely as usual guys are and I said "How did you know I didn't have a shirt on?" And he goes "Wha...." Wait..and pulls down the blanket too see and he flies literally out of bed like he just saw a bat on my head or something and starts taking his pants off.... I died at the fact that he thought because I had no shirt on I was suggesting sex....Hmmmm...if that's all I gotta do to suggest it- that sounds lazy enough for me haha.
I'm sipping on my first cup of coffee in weeks,It sometimes gives me headaches so I only have it when I can no longer take any stress.
I got some picking up too do and a little yoga later but that should be it. Hoping my week goes by anxiety free,I use to say I wanted it to go by fast but now I just want to be anxiety free so the days don't get away from me but at the same time they are not ruined by my anxiety either.
Ugh! Mother in laws really suck. Well not all but mine does. And I always wanted too marry into a nice family. She is the furthest thing from nice. She won't help us out at all,I hate asking for help but there comes a time you just have too. She keeps saying she has no money yet she buys food for her meetings,travels,works at a great job,lives with her son and that's it,has a gym membership she pays but never uses,went back to school....HM that sounds like she has some type of money and shes a first time grandparent with these kiddos.Joes the only one with kids. I'm not greedy but I want them to know their grandparents and love and cherish the time and things with them. Shes in the city compared to us so she could buy them things and stuff we need for them at a lower cost and more easily,she could even buy things I never will be able too because she has the stores down there that I do not have up here. Not asking for much but I'm sure she can hit deals that I can not. =/ All well.
Been trying some new things with pictures but sadly my camera is starting to show its wear and its only 4mos old...not cool.The settings don't really do what they use too and the quality went from a 4 star too a 3 star. Hope its just a funk but I doubt it. Think I might pop outside and get some normal snap shots of the kids and thumpy and things. =)
That about does it. Would like to show a picture of the quilt my mom made my sister. My sisters dad passed away over 20yrs ago and before he died,awhile before he did really,he had drew out things and my mom I wanna say embroider them on clothe...well she took all those pieces and made a quilt for my sisters 40th birthday. My sister put it in the quilt show where she lives. We are very proud of my mom.

And a few more pictures that have made me smile..

Hope everyone had a good weekend!! =)
And p.s-STEELERS WON!!! WOOT WOOT! And glad too see the Chicago bears win!
Tootles!

Green with envious

I hate feeling envious of others...I don't feel that way often and I never lead on that I do. But it sucks a big one that I can't go out and buy what I want or need. Sucks that my creativity is on hold with photography since I can't afford the camera and accessories I want and know how too use.
I did though get another phone,a camera phone this time. There's a reason for that but we won't go there lol.But its not activated yet and its the first phone its taken this long to activate,not too happy.
Random spewing of thoughts here as I am in a hurry. Another thing that just bugs me is people who don't get what they are doing to the earth...RECYCLE PEOPLE! RE USE THINGS! Get your crap off the ground so the grass can grow,re use water bottles or get a Canteen or plastic re-usable water bottle,use old clothes that you can not donate as dust rags,down grade sponges to the floor or animal cages when they are done with their dish duties..Oh I could go on and on.
Bare with me,my mind is all over the place.
Cleaned the attic today,a tad bit to make some room and organized a little. Got winter jackets down for the kids and Stefano's boots. Still need a lot of winter stuff. Depressing. And I realized I have about 50 sweatshirts/jackets but no long sleeve,wear around the house type shirts....lovely so all winter I'll have to wear a sweatshirt...I hate bulky clothing. I hate feeling like I can't move...I actually am not a winter dresser,you will see me in tank tops and stuff in the dead of winter. I don't wear winter boots unless I am shoveling snow or playing in it. ugh! The things going through my head. Rent is still not paid.
Highlight,This area has not seen horrific storms...My heart goes out to the states that got tornadoes and severe weather a few days ago. Scary. Blessed in that sense. Wish once again I had money,because my ass would be donating left and right to families.
Coffee will soon be my best friend when in my head shit hits the fan.Which will be soon.I'm aware of that.
Good thing,got my depo shot scheduled so another 3 months in the clear.
Love my kids to death but today was a "Lets gang up on mom and dad" day. Getting into everything. Nap time was a success though.
I love my life I just wish my hobbies could be reached,my kids had everything they needed,I had some new clothes,Joe needs some new pants,I wish I had more space to do my hobbies(love making earrings),wish I had a play area so the kids could only play in that area with THEIR toys,I LOVE to clean but right now I just don't have all the stuff I need to keep this place as spotless as I use too.
Its hard to understand poor until your it. People think if you need something you can pull money out your debit card,put it on a credit card,pull it out your butt.... I own no credit cards neither does Joe and my debit card to my account has no money in it. Joes pay check goes towards rent which is still not really that close too paying. So 3 simple things that I need-Pledge,fly strips and winter shoes for Stefano...are all too much for me. Toilet paper....Too much and no money too get it when we run out...Not a Joke.Not a sympathy rant just the facts and I need to write it down and accept it.
I love my life like I said before its just I could love it more if I could do the one thing that brightens my life...provide exactly what my kids need when they need it. =)
I would love to go to wal-mart and pick up what I need and even though no matter what I will always be a deals,price watching,coupon dealing chick...I would like to know I'm not going into debt when I buy the stuff.
*Sigh* life is about struggles and at 22 I'm still learning those struggles but one day I will know wealth and I will give to those who do not. I love donating and I love sharing. I love being apart of something bigger and better. =) I will teach my kids to give and never expect to be given back but when it is to be thankful. =)

Thats my rant...or well maybe just my words of the day. I'm done now. =)
Happy rest of Saturday to you all!
Tootles

Quote Friday

"Man she was walking around calmly in another persons yard,that's scary...tell me we will have to have a fence because of Zueda!"

"Why is Vin Diesel not considered eye candy anymore??"

"Is it bad when you can tell what people are doing by when and when they are online?"

"Wow...I stand like a gangsta in my photos" (Pic below for reference)

"WTH Michael G. just got engaged on Ellen....I thought I had a chance!" (winner of Americas got talent)

"..Maybe sex for money is not a bad idea..."

"I want a little black dress...."

"Hm I need to get my butt in gear and make some money online style"

"I want a just under the booty t-shirt...."

"Sweat pants can be sexy!"

"Wow yoga does work!"

"Is sex over rated?"

"Hm I'd do Ellen DeGeneres just cuz shes hilarious!"

Random thoughts! =) Hopefully I can get more posts that you learn more about me so that you all don't just think I'm a ungrateful brat. =)

Heres the pic with the gangsta standing me lol

Some fingers in my pocket..one out....standing at a stance...shoulder raised...YUP I'm gangsta lol

I'm high maintenance???

Ugh!
As people can tell I can have the mind of a guy...Sports,sex and food! And I have lately because of the things that happened between Joe and I. WELL all of a sudden I find myself the butt of peoples jokes and being called High maintenance??? But scum bags are fine? Girls will open their legs for guys and their horn dog ways...yet a 22yr old can't get a little "Hoorah!" for thinking the way I do and being honest about it,in my blog?
I should have been a lesbian....Everyone women should be a lesbian.End of story.
So I'm gonna turn into a conservative up my own ass no attention giving wife. Maybe I'll try out those 3x sweat pants I have and the big ol t-shirts out that are in my attic? Eh? Hows that for a sexy mama? Because apparently the medium low cut shirts with the cute little jeans is lets see how did he say  it again? Oh right High Maintenance.
Ooo You just made my shit list honey.
And Joe being a wise ass about everything YET one of the things he told me was if we had sex more he wouldnt have such an issue online. HM how much more can I put out,I thought at the time because it was about every 2-3days...SO bam things change I realize I rather have the attention from Joe to make sure hes not giving it else where,horn dog Raven approaches and "Ouch" Shot down like a hot rock. So we'll see how Joe likes 22yr old going on 63yr old Raven. Fuck you! And your douche bag friends!

Recipe time

So I tend to make this thing..which has no name and you can make it a thousand different ways.
I just call it Chicken and veggie ranch Trifle...no real ring to it but its yummy!

The picture is no justice.
Its Purdue's(Sorry if that's spelled wrong) cut up grilled chicken mixed with pepper and ranch dressing,I use light because to me its a bit lighter so it goes better with the veggies. Your bottom layer is lettuce,the tomato(diced,but use fresh),then a layer of the chicken mixture,then I have put cucumber or broccoli next,then you can repeat starting with the lettuce again or you can throw in something else but I usually repeat. Now it ends with lettuce,its always  2 veggies then chicken mixture. Some put in-between the layers bacon bits. You might need a trifle bowl unless your creative or don't care lol.
I tend to bring this to small BBQ's or family get together's. Just something simple. But you can re-create this any a bunch of ways. Which is always fun.

Anyway since today is Friday I thought a little fun might be in order,later on I'm just gonna write a blog about what I have thought so quotes from my mind or I have caught myself saying out-loud that made me giggle or question myself after wards. Quote Friday,Lets call it that. haha.
Tootles!
TGIF!!!

No words

Comical Morning

First thing in my Thursday Morning...was I discovered my phones had been shut off...Seriously Comcast? First I have a package deal so they could have taken my TV away..isen't that less important then phones? Oh right everyone has a neat cell phone to save them...EXCEPT ME! Second the lady told us $100 dollars we gave them on the 14th would be good enough as they only wanted $176.00..NOW they want $210.00 and say I owe around $376 or something...third I have owed more then that and they have came no where near to shutting us off.Ugh!
Second part of my lovely morning. I stepped outside to breath pretty much and not go manic psychotic on someone and my son locks me out...I knew it was coming but usually he unlocks it...so there I am at 8:30ish am telling my two yr old through a door that I'm gonna call his father and to let me in! *sigh* I know hilarious.
So in any case I went to my moms to do some clean up of their woods and stuff to get some frustration out. Just as our stress level was at its highest...so we thought...it gets worse...!
But I promised you I would share my thoughts on a few things! =)
So my thoughts tend to come from Cosmo because for some reason nothing is off limits. Last month there was new sex positions or something...well there was one that was called "The Naked Chef" hello I'm thinkin..Joe can cook...OOPS not exactly what they had in mind..so you need a table...so then as I'm reading this...I'm thinking "My table will not hold me,where can I find a table!?" lol nymphos think that way my friends...Which brings me to the next topic that was floating around in my head....
Sex on a first date...Now sadly..I've been that girl.But now thinking I realized nothing like tasting the frosting before the cupcake...sex should be for the second date!! haha kidding. I could go on and on. I know its not the right thing,sex should be for marriage...which brings me to my next random thought... People who are dull on purpose when they are married...(Joe if your reading this,get a freaking pen and paper,dude!) God can't possibly judge you for what goes on in the bedroom..or living room or outside by the rabbits cage....what ever so get out the lingerie,get out the fried chicken,porno's,whips,camera..I don't care,live like there is no tomorrow,when that line is usually said people think "Oh,lets go sky diving!" Me I'm going "wheres that chain from the truck?" WHAT!? Okay okay and I hate porno watching as a couple. Its annoying. Are you thinking about her or me? Am I  thinking about him or you? See testing the waters with that one. So scratch what I said above but you get what I'm saying. The conservative days were for when you had no boobs and your ass was mistaken for a flat rock.  No ones watching. Do what you feel. Embarrassed to put the moves on the man..psh think about all the drunk girls he slept with in college.....mhm. Your thinking now ain't ya!? Okay My hubby never went to college but boy did he date some sluts. I tend to compete with who ever I can,I must top those other girls and I have and I will continue too. SO lets leave the bullshit out Mr.Arbore. Focus on me and only me and maybe you will understand what happy is....WHICH..thats right brings me to the next random thought... Stilettos kept on during sex...is anyone else scared by this thought? Granted I think its freaking sexy...but I would be so nervous that I don't poke someones thigh,eye or what not....

So heres a few questions that got answered in Cosmo that I thought was really kinda...interesting.

*How many calories can you burn having sex?-About 300 per hour... Now..side note...my sex lasts for 20mins usually lol so something is gonna have to change cuz mama's got some fat to burn. =)

*What is the smallest penis ever recorded?-Five-eighths of an inch.-Side note-Hm.........

*Are we the only animals to engage in prostitution?-No. Female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests.----Mental note...Deleted....haha

*Which animal has the longest penis?-The whale. Which has been clocked in at 10ft.----Side note- Holy Sh*t!!

If I could come and type every time I had a thought I would be never leaving the computer. They will get better as I start to write things down and then come and make a blog!haha Anyway tomorrow is FRIDAY which also means I must clean all day...joy. But I am so ready for the weekend even though the stress is still there it feels less stressful somehow. =/
Love you all!
Tootles.

High anxiety

Ugh! My worst nightmare a handyman that you can not trust! I have very high anxiety around him(that does not mean I'm afraid of him) Just means I can't stand him and I don't trust him or his little mind. Looks like he might have stolen Joes sander now...and tonight for the first time he took ALL his equipment back,left before Joe got home and did maybe 10mins of actual work on the windows. Ugh! Shady. And he was way too nice to me. Sometimes I wish I have big bad ass protective neighbors..not to protect me from the handy man but the handy man from me...I am very protective of my place,my kids,my husband and my material things...and of course myself. The fact of what happened tonight is totally gonna mess up me getting laid! WHAT!? I'm being honest.

So I read a few things in Cosmo that boosted my attitude,Love that magazine. It even had a article in last months about guys and how they are and what we expect from them is not always realistic with the way things were taught for many many years too men. Hard to explain but it touched base on a few things I already knew but now is confirmed,which makes me feel good about the way I analyze the brain.

So hopefully Friday,Rent will be paid. Joe officially is apart of the company he works at on Monday,since he was hired as only a temp the company is not hiring him on with them not the employment office. Not sure if I worded that right but what ever.

On another note..my creative juices and picture taking juices are running low the last few days because my mind is not in it. Sucks because that's how I release stress is through picture taking.

Any-who tomorrow is Sarcastic Thursday..just made that up right here on the spot...There's some topics I wanna voice my opinion on. =) Fun times. =) Hoping they will come out as funny as they are in my head.

Anyway,time to get the kids ready for bed and REALLY clear my head..or someone will be up too two weeks without sex...and that's not good for the people around me lol. No one should go 24hrs without it...really..if you think about it....HA!

Tootles

I could but wont

I could rant and rave once again about my life but I am so tired of it and so tired of Joe and his actions...I refuse to even think about it...although I am because I noticed his in-box on his phone is full and I have not been texting him....Hmmmm....
And on another note Mr handy man who is doing our windows is on the last nerve of about everyone's. Looks like hes "taken" things that are not his. Comes at odd hours,like yesterday Joe and I discussed him not coming until he gets home and today he showed up at 8:30am,The first time hes done that ever. He usually comes at about 2:15pm so its not too long before Joe gets home. You can't really even see any progress,it makes no sense. He dresses like hes going to go play golf not work on windows. Sadly our landlord is a penny pincher and these guys do just that...they piece and piece until the work is done but not done to perfection. And in the mean time they both (the worker and boss) bother me,They make me uncomfortable but in a way I want to just bolt out the door and knock em on their ass with punches. Not good. At first I thought he was okay but now with other peoples opinions in mind and how I feel....hes just someone I wish would hurry up get the job done and I never see again.

So I know I said I wouldn't go here but I do want to fill people in. Joe did most the talking last night when he returned from his loser "friends" house. Until I see his phone and stuff,I wont be ready to move on. Until I see effort on his part with attention and changing and more then 3 days without some time of nothing but progress. I know I shouldn't be giving him anymore chances but its really not a chance,its a commitment that I have to stand by until I know for sure its over. A commitment to,two kids. Its at the point that you know he loves me,you know he cares but with the stress of everything he can't change quickly,now last-nights fight was not anything to do with catching him misbehaving,it was me not trusting him and according to him,he couldn't take it. Now maybe he is really that weak,and can't stand me acting a way I never have before. I just can't trust a word out his mouth. So until I can,I will question everything. That's not usually me but in these circumstances,I want nothing but the truth and when after a month or so I get that,I will mellow back into my happy married life. If he can not handle that and has a mishap like last night then I know he don't really want to try or deal with what he did. He can't assume I'm gonna be happy and not question a damn thing,that's unrealistic. He needs to start living in the real world and listening to who he claims he loves(me).
So with that said we will find out what kinda truth his phone holds,and I'll do some more talking tonight too see how I feel. See if I can get some more truth out about how he feels when he does stuff and why he does stuff,maybe even find out if he thinks constantly about the next time he'll flirt or the next time he will look at porn. I wanna know the urges,how he thinks...Can't give up on 23 yr old who came from a messed up life,that much I know. Like right now we are sitting on 3wks since hes talked to his mom,he hasn't talked to his brother in,gosh Idk how long. His dad maybe a month or so. I get that. His background quite hard to listen too. His longest relationship was 3yrs,guess what we are coming up on...that's right 3yrs.
I know you all are yelling at your computers,trying to get me to see the light of day,but the way I was raised,the way I know minds tend to be,I know he might need more help. Simply,If I walked out that would be being just as bad as him. I must wait and follow gods signs and let things happen. He's done well the last few days,minus last-night because I was being hard core.
Trust me,I'm a smaller and less dramatic version of Lady gaga lol,I judge no one. How can I judge a guy who I chose? His mess ups have been hurtful,yes. But is there a chance hes just not matured yet? Yes. Have I done what hes done. Yes. Do I understand..I do and I don't and until I can close the chapter and understand fully,I'm not gonna slam the door in Joes face. Two wrongs do not make a right. Just because I think one way does not mean everyone else does. I learned that a long time ago. You sometimes need to step back and let people be themselves and sometimes you need to step in and make sure they don't ruin a beautiful thing,or they change for the better. I will never try to persuade someone to my side,I will never judge a person on religion,I will never judge on sexual preference,I will stand with my opinion and thoughts but never down grade you as a person for yours. Maybe if you think slavery or child trafficking is none existent or not a big deal...then maybe we will butt heads,but on the regular every day things,I'm a person you can count on.

My mom will be stopping by to kinda help the hostile mood that is in this house right now with the handy man and seeing Joes phone and stuff. She won't be here long as she caught our cold.

Deep breaths and positive thoughts. I don't want Joe to screw up,I want those texts to be from tracfone,Jerry(his stupid friend) or myself. I don't want to be angry or sad. I want to feel accomplished. I want to feel happy. I want to feel successful. And so many more things.

Thats it for now!
Tootles

EXPLICIT AND SEXUAL CONTENT

Please,I do not want to offend anyone but this will have sexual stuff in it. Its my life and I need to vent about it. When you have no where to go but up you need to make sure you start somewhere and a clean pallet is where I need to start. So I'm letting it all out even the stuff people don't wanna know. So if you think you can not handle it please do not read,I don't want to be judged or shunned on nor do I want to offend anyone. Thank you!



NOW Lets talk about the game called life


Okay lets remember I'm 22 and even though I have two kids that has never gotten me to change anything about my sex life or how I dress. So as many moms are in mom jeans (actually not many of my friends are like this so don't think I'm talking about in one in particular)Many don't want to wear the butt hugging jeans unless they are out on a date with the hubby..I'm emerging from my bedroom in heels,mini skirt and low cut shirt,yelling at my husband "Why did you not put out last night?"Which brings me to my point,Joe owes me for the last 3mos of fuck ups and he's letting me down majorly!! Mentally we are working on it,that's going to take a very long time,psychically though he could be complimenting me,no matter how I look because of what he did...he went to profiles of people,he went to porn,he created a site..the list goes on and on. He needs to let me know he looks at me and only me...none of that. Sex..GOOD way of letting someone know,"Hey I'm changing and I'm a horn dog and now you are gonna be my addiction" OR something along those lines....He does not work weekends..usually that's our time to take it to the moon and back if you know what I'm saying. NOTHING this weekend..I got pinned up against the fridge and made out with once but THAT WAS IT! Yes that's a common thing in our relationship. It just peeves me that a guy who owes me big time,is yet again letting me down. Tried talking to him like everyone says to do. I'm a good communicator I have no problems talking to my husband,its him who has the issue,I mean he talks but half is usually lies. He told me it was from stress...let me tell you,he had NOTHING to be stressed over. I did but no I was horny 24/7!! I know I have my sweat pants and tank top moments but Joe needs to love that and be true to me. He's making me think other things which is not what I want. I'm sick of wondering and being sick literally to my stomach. Who the hell taught him to lie so damn much. Who taught him to give into addictions so easily. I love love love mechanics but I ain't screwing everyone I see....Some women really do have that issue but he found a gal who does not but at the same time is a lady ga ga in the bedroom so he could potentially have it all and hes nothing but a fuck up!
Why not cheat? Eh I've really thought about it. I KNOW....GRRRR. I'm already working on revenges on his stupid Italian ass. No worries he refuses to even care about me let aloe whats in my mind so he won't read this,even though he use too. People who change for the worse just piss me off. He use to be 100% devoted and fun(in the sexual way) now hes freaking 23 going on 53 and doing stupid shit. Now I mean no offense but this really irritates me,someone who could care less about their looks,care less about their femininity,Could care less about communication and working things out,sex is every 2 weeks for them....gets a great man!Its true good girls seem to get the bad boy time,like the either want sex a lot and could have fun with sex or the bad boy type like I have that is an asshole to his family. Then bad girls,get the devoted,forgiving,loving,horny guys!I know it makes little sense to you but in my head and my way of thinking lately it all makes perfect sense.Ugh! I want the old Joe back or I don't want Joe at all. I have came to that conclusion laying awake thinking dirty thoughts.=) After awhile you start to not be so laid back and I know Joe sees that,I watch very intently how he acts around any women now,and the slightest thing you will find a look of death on me,I watch what he does online a lot more..that's not me and I hate being that way. Another thing you never want to think things that upset you..thinking "Is he flirting" "did he just stop at her picture?" is really hard,people don't realize you don't want to think that way but when peoples habits keep forming so do yours.
Its also hard when you tell someone how down  hill things are becoming..and the only thing you get in return is feeling like he couldn't care less. One time you were on top of his list of priorities now your way down on the sea urchins bed. *sigh*
Thanks Joe for not caring.
Thanks Joe for not giving a damn.
Thanks Joe for being weak and giving into trouble.
Thanks Joe for not holding on.
Thanks Joe for making me feel single again.

I hate you.

Thinking

So as I sit here getting ready to get dressed then feed the kiddos breakfast...I realize things I,myself chuckled at.
I'm a HUGE Jersey Shore fan. And for some reason that made me laugh. I know why I love the show,besides the going out and sleeping with every Tom Dick and Vinny...They all have something that reminds me of me now or me then. Its fun to watch. I know I know,I claim I'm not a MTV show watcher besides True life...Well I lied. lol I like Jersey Shore,I don't dress like them or act like them-I'm not that in love. Although I'd like to smack a gal around who stays with a guy like Ronnie..ooo weee.
I also had to chuckle at the fact that I have this urge to guess what football game scores will be and when they turn out to be something else,I question everything lol. "Was their quarterback playing?" "How was the weather" "To many same plays?"---Quite entertaining.
Whats also very entertaining is watching me watch the HSN channel when there's something on it I think they are not being 100% about the quality or something ugly...something over priced...the camera man shows something we were not really suppose to see. You can usually hear this from the couch "Oh really,90 bucks for a mop that can do something every mop can do...clean up a FRESH mess" "Oh that's what you call style,how old is this show? from the 1930's???" "She wasn't wearing makeup- you now put make up on her of course shes gonna look younger!" It goes further but I just can't keep my opinions to myself when watching that stuff.
For example,I'd say this: fake tan, fake eyes, fake hair, fake nails… bitch are you sure ur not made in china?- 
Grabbed from facebook.=)
Ah. Must get my day started. You and I both know I'll be back! Must tell you about yesterdays family BBQ...Oh the joy.
Tootles

A sunday away

Survey Sunday. A basic one but I wanted to find one that kinda asked questions about my day so that I wouldn't have to write a long blog once I got home. =)

1.What are your plans today? BBQ at my moms with family

2.What is the weather like outside? Sunny,cloudy...sunny...possible showers later.

3.What time did you get up this morning? 6:20ish

4.What was the first thing on your mind? HAHA lets not go there

5.What did you have for breakfast?Nothing yet.

6.What are you wearing? Jeans and fancy top

7.Anything on the news catch your attention? Just the president and what he did for September 11th

8.What was your first beverage this morning? Tea

9.Whats for lunch?BBQ!!!

10.Will it be a busy next few days? Eh not to bad.

11.Are you wearing jewelry? Indeed

12.What is your scent today? Curious by Brittney Spears

13.Do you pile stuff on your printer? I do.

14.When was the last time you wore a band-aid? Today

15.What shoes are you wearing? Pink Stilletos

16.Has anyone called you yet?Nope

17.Will you miss anyone today? Nah

18.Anything bothering you? My nose running...

19.Did you do chores today? Cleaned the kitchen but theres more that needs to be done

20.What do you hear? The news and washing machine.

Post #2

This is not a venting post though lol.

I learned today a few things and I wanted to share.

I learned to love my hair..curls and all!
I learned that little girls and brownies....make a really big mess!!
I learned that even though I look silly with a handkerchief at least I am not wasting money on tissues!
I learned that if I could I would have a theme for my living room and kitchen. Like a decor.Matching also!
I learned how to make whipped cream!
I learned that Target diapers are just as good!
I learned that I need to talk more about anxiety so people can understand it.
I learned that Alfredo sauce and ice tea don't really mix well with the taste bud pallet.
I learned that a white shirt on a 2 yr old....in an hr turns funny colors....
I learned that I must have a dishwasher before my 24th b day or my hands will fall off from dry skin.
I learned that my husband knows cars better then just about anything.
I learned I have low tolerance for being treated differently because I show less feelings.
I learned that cold hot tea is just as good. haha
I learned that if my voice was like what it is now,I would never talk,It annoys me.Go away cold!

That about does it. Might be some other tid bits here and there I learned today as well but can't remember them.

Sometimes we just have to take things with a grain of salt.

Feelings

You know when you feel something but your not sure your 100% okay with that particular feeling?..

Thats me today. My sister and mother ganged up on me,online today. My aunt from Cali,my sister(Marya) and my mom(and of course me) was suppose to go to the mall today. Well I had Joe call my mom last-night to explain I don't feel well and my anxiety is really high. THERE WAS NO OTHER REASON for me not going. My lovely mother who usually adore,told my sister that I was sick(which was not a lie) and I didn't want to go because I was(am) broke. I know she told her that because of her status this morning stating that even though she was sick and broke but still going no matter what. Kinda like saying I was being a wimp. SHE never asked me if that was really the reasons for me not going,no one tried to convince me to go,not that I wanted them too its just...(Deep breath)..Little background my sister refused to come to thanksgiving last year for obnoxious reasons and I sat there and sent like 4 emails trying to convince her she was wanted. Instead according to Joe my mom said "I told her aunt she would bail" I WAS not bailing!!! She does this too me she puts me down but never my sister. FOR years my sister has done hurtful things out of jealousy and acts ways. 2 summers ago she didn't invite me to a summer FAMILY -BBQ but did my mom say anything to her? Nope.Well that's fine I understand a mom needs to stand on middle ground. Then I find out my status's that really reach out to people and I  need them to reach back was upsetting..that's right upsetting my sister,well before my mom continued with what was said I thought "okay shes upset seeing me upset" NOPE she was upset because I kept saying "I need my family" and she somehow twisted that around to mean that shes not family...NO you dumb wench that means I need you to check on me,and maybe send a message once in awhile to your ONLY sister. Ugh!!! Frankly what I really meant in those statuses was my online family that is always there for me. But no everything comes back to her. So my moms status this morning on face book where all can see- ..."Just wish family members didn't disappoint you so much" THANKS! Feel the love. So I know the three of them are gossiping about me. Now just the other day she got really upset in the car as she felt it was her fault I have anxiety.........Lets think about that. Not all..but many who do not have anxiety don't understand it or compassionate towards it. Sorry if that's not the right placing for the words,I love English  but when you feel really disrespected its hard to concentrate. I love my family. But.Right now. I don't feel loved back. My sister always gets mad before she talks to me. Actually. She never talks to me.Or asks me whats up. This behavior sadly has ruined relationships with her and my kids and myself and her kids.Really downright sucks. I love family. I love big get together.Sadly that's not my family. As I type this I just found out my Aunt wrote on my moms status saying shes "mean and nasty". Obviously I am not overreacting about anyone or anything,there's another person upset with my family. I know we all have family problems but why are mine over little stupid behaviors,stupid attitudes,miss-communication,lack of involvement and petty problems. Lets re cap here...My sister has a job,three amazing kids,LOTS of friends,time to herself,beautiful house,a vehicle,cell phone for her two oldest and herself....the list goes on...I have no house(just a rented apartment.),no vehicle(my truck is used by Joe right now) 2 awesome kids don't get me wrong but one is very shy and not talking yet...,no income and a relationship I'm trying to work on. I'm okay with that,I have NEVER EVER felt jealousy for anyone. That's why people can tell me what ever. They can tell me their income,their amount on food stamps,their ideas of buying a new car...what ever. That's awesome its called being happy for them. I actually don't know the direct feeling of jealousy. Never want too.

*sigh* I want to be in love with my family. Not mad at them. No upset by them.

Life must go on.

Just wish things were different.

<3

Roll with the punches

Yesterday was fun. Got to see my favorite Aunt and Uncle from Cali. Got to meet for the first time their son and daughter in law..my cousins. They are just so nice but high maintenance??? no that's not really the word. They watch everything they eat,they have matching decor,all the latest gadgets and 500 dollars is nothing to them...so the word is...rich...haha so its really kinda odd talking to them because you know they h ave no idea the feeling of not affording something or do not get the simple way.Which is fine they don't throw it in your face,they are wonderful people!Was hard having a conversation though with pratically no voice. This cold will not give in. I'm happy though that the kids do not have it anymore.
As I sit here and look around I realize how little cleaning I did this week which is not like me and I hate it. 
I got to thinking today that we always say TGIF-Mine stands for Thank goodness its Friday but I know alot of people who mean it as thank god..well lets do that!!
I am thankful for the roof over my head...even if I am behind on rent. =)
I am thankful for family.Amazing.
I am thankful for people who don't take their cars to garages (Joe is working on a car this weekend which means more money)
I am thankful that this dumb cold was only a 48hr one for the kiddos.
I am thankful for my pets. But...Dear snowshoes,Waking me up at 6 to use me as a kneading post was a little silly.Love your Mom.
I am thankful for my state of mind. I can get through anything if I put a little oomph in it.
I am thankful for all my friends online and off line.
I am thankful for fuel assistance even though we don't know how much we are getting this year any will help!
I am thankful to be part English!
I am thankful to believe in what I believe and never shoot down the other belief.
I am thankful immensely for my kids.
I am thankful that Joe has never cheated in real life for-say. (I would kill him,and although I love orange a orange jumpsuit really is not my style.)
I am thankful for the kind drivers out there.
I am thankful Stefano has been sleeping through the nights with no nightmares!
And most of all I am thankful its Friday even though Saturday wont be spent with Joe and kids...well it might be I  need to make up my mind lol.
Now even though its only 7 something in the morning I really need to get this day started. Joe gets out a tad later then normal but no biggie.More money!
Maybe write more later~
Tootles
 

Been a tad behind

SO I am sharing two recipes today. =) Hope you like.

Caramel Apples with Coconut & Chocolate Drizzle

What You Need

5 Apples (1-1/2 lb.), washed, well dried

1 pkg.  (14 oz.) KRAFT Caramels

2 Tbsp. Water

1-1/2 cups  BAKER'S ANGEL FLAKE Coconut, toasted

2 squares BAKER'S Semi-Sweet Chocolate

Make It

INSERT wooden pop sticks into stem ends of apples. Microwave caramels and water in deep microwaveable bowl on HIGH 2 to 3 min. or until caramels are melted, stirring every minute.
DIP apples in caramel, turning to evenly coat; scrape excess from bottoms of apples. Roll apples in coconut; place on greased tray. Refrigerate 15 min.
MICROWAVE chocolate in separate deep microwaveable bowl on HIGH 1 min. to 1 min. 15 sec. or until chocolate is almost melted, stirring after 1 min.; stir until completely melted. Drizzle chocolate over apples; return to tray. Let stand until chocolate is firm. Keep refrigerated.

Kraft Kitchens Tips

Size-Wise

Here's a special-occasion treat that is perfect for enjoying in the fall when apples are at their peak.

Substitute

Substitute 2/3 cup chopped PLANTERS Salted Peanuts for the toasted coconut.

Cooking Know-How

If the apples you purchase are waxed, be sure to wash the wax off completely before dipping apples in the melted caramels
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Beef-Vegetable Skillet Bake

What You Need

1-1/2 lb. (675 g) extra-lean ground beef

1 pkg.  (8 oz./225 g) sliced fresh mushrooms

1 Onion, chopped

3 cups  Frozen peas and carrots

1 can (10 fl oz/284 mL) condensed cream of mushroom soup

1/2 cup  Water

1/4 lb. (115 g) Velveeta Process Cheese Product, cut into 1/2-inch cubes

1 pkg.  (235 g) refrigerated crescent dinner rolls

Make It

HEAT oven to 375ºF.
BROWN meat in large ovenproof nonstick skillet. Add mushrooms and onions; cook 8 to 10 min. or until liquid from mushrooms evaporates, stirring occasionally. Stir in next 3 ingredients; bring to boil. Add Velveeta; stir. Remove from heat.
UNROLL crescent dough; separate into 8 triangles. Arrange on top of meat mixture, with points of triangles overlapping in center and short sides along edge of skillet.
BAKE 12 to 15 min. or until golden brown. Let stand 5 min. before serving.

Both are from Kraftfoods.com!

I found out

I found out I have a heart today.
I know this because its broken.
No one should cause this much pain.
No one should hurt another person emotionally.
And I should not be here.
Cry cry cry cry. All I do these days when I almost NEVER cried before.
Thats how I know I have heart. Joes not just another guy in my eyes.
Wish he was so I could drop him like ton of hot rocks.
I know I have a heart because it aches for something better.
I know I have a heart as the tears trickle down my cheeks.
I know I have a heart because each lie hurts more and more.
I feel in places I never felt before.
But don't worry I wouldn't feel this way if I didn't have kids.
You do you
I'll do me.
You get help and we'll talk. Till then your just a roomie. Any potential I will take.
I want to hurt you as bad as you hurt me.
I want you to realize what I did tonight....
That I do have a heart. And its pumping nothing but tears through.

Maybe

Maybe its because I'm sick but being called "baby" was alright by me today.
Maybe its the wind but my anxiety is on the fritz with noises today.
Maybe its the fact that flies gross me out but if one more lands on me I'm gonna need to go to the retreat....
Maybe its me being selfish but I really want a camera phone.
Maybe its my lack of patience with Joe but he needs to step up and do the responsibilities that need to be done around here.
Maybe its the lack of trust for people..but I doubt Joe will sell this car...and if he does I doubt it will be without a problem.
Maybe its my emotions but I can't handle another night of my kids up,they need their sleep and I want whats best for them
Maybe its how I was raised but why do people lie to judges in court??
Maybe its lack of knowledge but is blueberry juice good for a cold?
Maybe once Thursday comes and the football season starts I will be a calmer person. =)
Maybe I doubt too much,I worry I can't be popular amongst people(even online) because I'm dirt poor.
Maybe I'm too nice but I'm keeping rat/mouse food I have in-case anyone might need it or want it.
Maybe its my spontaneous side but I really wanna buy a new camera!
Maybe its just the tv I watch but are pit bulls really that vicious if raised right?
Maybe its just that I am old...okay older..but my kids seem to be handling having a cold better then I am.

Life is what it is. Joe can not get home fast enough with the Ibuprofen!

Whole lotta...

I'm sick...the kids are sick..and guess who isn't dishing out sympathy....that's right Joe. I could not believe the way he acted last night towards the kids and I...I know he has issues but to get an attitude that I would classify as mean towards the kids...Pack ya shit hun -cuz you crossed the wrong line. I mean its hard for people to not notice him and I right now have a huge wall up at each-other BUT are trying to see if we can be that sappy cute couple we once were...I'm not good at developing feelings again and hes not good with keeping his word.Not a good combo. So back too last night I know what your thinking that I was asking him to do things when he had to go to work the next morning,No I asked him only twice to get Stefano for me,the rest I did. I put the vicks on,I was sick AND still caring for both the kids at the same time. No complaints from me because I know what its like to be sick and sick and little is horrible as they can't tell you exactly what is wrong so I had 0 attitude and was trying to make it all work with no support from Joe. I told him at around 10pm that they should have vicks and maybe they will sleep longer,did he offer to get it,(I had both kids in my lap) nope he litterelly cussed towards the kids and I and rolled over. You know how hard it is to not punch someone in the head...? Kept my cool,babied the kids like they should be,considering they were stuffy..I did that from 10pm to about 5am. Wouldn't change a thing accept for Joe...which makes me wonder..would I be happier single? Of course I would because I don't get attached to no one. I just told my mom I hate saying "I love you" too someone I would really like see get hit hard with Karma. He has making up too do,and hes showing no sign of doing that.He's showing no signs hes gonna change.His smoking,getting worse-Enough said. #$@#%#%#$%. I'll be damned if I let my aunt meet him. So He will not be meeting my family this week. End of discussion. 4 days I worked to restore at least a faith or a trust or even some character in our relationship to be greeted by an asshole on Tuesday. The joys of being an Arbore. Well I think most of it comes from his moms side...haha. So this afternoon we'll have a long talk again and see where it goes.I'm sick of people seeing us as just Joe and Raven instead of Aw Joe and Raven lol if that makes any sense. Sick of feeling angry all the time at one person.

ON top of this all today is 20yrs Keith has been gone. Hard day for all of us.20yrs is along time to grieve.Along time to be asking questions. Tossing blame here and there. Wondering if the family would be closer if he was here. Now don't get me wrong I love my sister to the sky and back but we are on two different planets and can't quite seem to push ourselves to be what sisters should be. Now but for a few little things she has done nothing to me that I can't put past us and not sure what I did. Might be something but I know it was intentional as I have bragged about her and her kids from the time I was 3 and could talk lol.(Granted she had no kids then) But a big brother...would Joe be in trouble if Keith was still here? Would he be there for his nieces and nephews.I'd like to think so.He knew what family meant no matter what happened. I miss him.Do I blame anyone? I do.Not anyone that I can get in their face and feel  better about it...so that does not help with closure. Its been said that when he died my Grandma got worse quicker. She either just found out she had Alzheimer's or found out after he died or something but she let go when he let go. There was a bond between them two that no one would ever realize till that day in 1990. I would have been 3 in October. Now Keith and my sister are/were only half siblings BUT if anyone was to make a comment about that,it was like white on rice in my eyes. And I hate when people say that about their siblings. "Oh hes only my half brother" or "Shes just a half sister" what ever it may be it pisses me off. Family is family. There's a member in Joes family that does that.Hurts a little bit to even hear stuff like that.
I'm better then I thought I would be...but today is hard knowing that Joe and I are going down hill and FAST. Bothers me that hes so selfish. I try so hard. I hold so much in. I do whats right 98% of the time.

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

LOVE that song.its been in my head for a few days now. There's so much we need to be okay,material wise and emotionally.Just not sure we will get there or even can get there. I hate being put first I hate seeing my kids sick I hate being away from my kids. But yesterday and last night in joys eyes I was in heaven being away and I should have been in more stronger with them during the night..even though I too could not breath,sleep,eat...etc. How do you love someone like that. I asked him the other day if he read my blog thinking he would too see how I felt about the day  he got caught there...nope...he won't look at my 365...When a few months ago he created one and posted some pics..He was more involved. now its like only Material things matter to him. He did good with the kids yesterday while I was gone but he took pics of the kids from the computer chair...that tells me he was on the computer more then he should have been and possibly doing things he should not have been doing. What goes on in these walls is about to explode.Sick of being nice to him in front of the neighbors because I gotta put a front on. Hate thinking he might be on the right track then BAM hes off again in 2mins time. How does a person not get it???How can he be happy with the way things are? Makes no sense? I'm over it. The feelings are not the same and I doubt I can get them back if hes not willing to put fourth. *Sigh*
Still feeling really icky,funny how a little cold can get the best of ya. The kids and I just don't get sick often so when we do we are down and out lol.
Write more later. Gonna tend to the kiddos and maybe make some tea. I must feel better by tomorrow!!!!!!!! Tonight my Aunt and Uncle come in from Cali!!
God Bless.