Dealing..accepting...forgiving

Everyone tends to say that its all about forgiving and forgetting... What about accepting? What about accepting why it happened,that it happened,that you can't make it go away..a lot think thats where the forgiving and forgetting part comes in...me not so much. I can't forget it because it can possible reflect on the future and could happen again... accepting it lets me remember it so my guard is at least up..What about that? How do you expect a person to put a wall down if you continue to mess up? I think you know where this is going if you know my marriage and you know my husband. This time a co worker. Did anything happen not really. Little flirting. He made the first move for cell phone numbers. Thinking to much about her. This is all stuff that to me is not allowed when you stand up and take vows. Maybe I am overreacting...Maybe I am wrong when I think that when you say "Sorry" Say you will never do it again. Get chances that others might not get you should honor them and really realize how hurtful you were being and how to embrace the change,how to alter your thinking from single life to taken life... Actually mean that your sorry. Prove you deserve the chance you have been given. Mistakes are to learn from and never to be made again. Joe is on his 5th chance. I know what he has said and what I have been told but I can't fully wrap my mind around that,thats all that happened. I can't deal with the fact that he went against what he said and promised. I can't accept the fact that I am giving him another chance when hes being a little bossy. I'm not allowed to accuse him...excuse me???? I think we are golden then BAM I catch you in a whirlwind of lies...yes its going to take me some time to ACCEPT that you are in the clear and have a heart this time because for 4 years it seems you have not had one!!!! *Deep Breath* I accused him today because things just did not add up instead of calling back completely understanding where I would think maybe she was talking to him before work and stuff he goes "I can't take it" "I said no more" and all this cold things. Oh I'm sorry I didnt know I was the one in hot water. I would have called back and explained what happened,said I know your having a hard time because of the past and everything I have done but we will make it and we will be okay and I need you too slowly trust me more and more each day and lets start with today. OR something like that nice and sweet. Nice and understanding. Nope not Joe. He acts like I'm the bad guy. When its my heart thats on the line here. Its my kids lifestyle and life in general thats on the line. Unfortunately he abuses technology he abuses his cell and the internet he uses them in the wrong way. Not often but enough where its been more times then years we have been married. (Enter excessive crying here). I threw up earlier because I had planned to keep my mind off of everything,prove that I could learn to trust him..blah blah then BAM hes at work early,he forgets to pick up what I asked him too,hes telling me did u call? Um if I did shouldn't you have picked up??? Then he tells me well it said one voicemail must have been from the realtor..NO she called here..He puts it on vibrate because he can feel it his excuse was that the music was up so he might not have..huh?..So that was fishy then when I called him back there was no hello there was a very harsh "Did you call?" UM really? and I called back because it claimed he called me...A huge mess and my mind took it to mean something else was going on. Thats what happens when thats all your mind has known and thought for 4 years. You can't train your mind that fast unless your are amazing with your mind. And sometimes you can if its something serious enough like he claimed he was going too do,which was completely alter his thinking and realize theres lots of nice woman lots of better looking woman but thats not what makes the world go round and he has a family back home..End of story. Don't look at a women and see potential look at a woman as what ever she may be co worker in this case. So I called him on his break and was really nice because I really wanted him to be so sweet and tell me no its all a mix up and what ever else that would ease my heart,head and well my belly after I threw up my dinner.
My mind is locked that theres more to the story of what went on,I am trying to prove that if he got his act together I could be amazing,cocky but I could. I love spoiling people. I like indulging in my man. Sorry if TMI haha but you get what I am saying. So I showed him that he should have totally just been kind to me and not make me feel like its my head on the chopping block. He thinks if he loses us its no problem because he can get a woman with no problem..Not sure fully thats what he thinks but it sure feels like it. I have been dealing with this all on my own for 5 days..on top of 4 yrs of his mistakes.....I am holding on to a dream and a little hope..lots of love and the future for my kids. It would be nice if he realized this all and gave back. I could love him to pieces,I could be that person I always was in my thoughts and day dreams. Someone happy and who makes someone else happy.
I mean theres more to this all. Comments he has made. The huge fight that lead to the whole wanting her to call him on his break thing...that was all just not in my favor. He was down right mean. So much going on in my head so much to think about so much to change so much to hope for. I slip up by thinking something bad and he all of a sudden can not forgive or even realize..man I hurt her bad if this is what its doing to her..making her a paranoid freak of nature. They always say a hug and a smile goes a long way...maybe I just need more of those. More love less hate. More happy less anger. More its my fault not you. More I am the one in the dog house not you type of feelings. *sigh* I am writing all of this but it feels no better because I know there will be a fight because he claims its over because I blew my SECOND chance...I accused him the first time and found out he was doing stuff so that does not count and this time I did because of a huge mess up that if he was in my shoes or tried to be he would have totally understood. Hes gotten over 10 chances I think I deserve just as many as he does. But these are not I am breaking his heart chances these are its annoying and shes annoying me because I am being good for the moment and I am mad so I am divorcing her chances...mine are my god this guy use to be the love of my life I want him to still be I think he can change...I am giving me a much needed other chance....BIG DIFFERENCE.

So I decided just in case he comes home in a better mood..... to write what I love about him even though we have been through a lot....
1. We have been through a lot.... =)
2. He cooks so well.
3. Works hard. Plays harder. =)
4. Will run out for stuff 30 times if needed.
5. Keeps up his place..like this apartment...he does the maintenance or he calls to have it done no letting it look like crap.
6. Honest about his ideas. Example he wants to get another vehicle with tax money he will keep updating me and keep talking about it until it happens no guessing what hes doing no trying to figure out what hes thinking.
7. He will slam on the brakes if I see a picture to take.haha
8. My type! Looks wise.
9. Strong.
10. Can be so sweet....I want that...
11. Can be so smart...I want that again too...
12. Learns fast. =)
13. Good shopper.
14. Caring. When hes not angry about dumb things.
15. Funny.
16. Fun.
Now that these will prob get his ego to large...I feel better. I would praise,brag,and all so much more if I knew I didn't have to keep sharing him with other woman. Even if it was just the start this time..what happens if I hadn't caught him? Anything? Maybe not...but it happened and I have the right to cry,scream,accuse,call every 5 mins, fold and re fold laundry just to get my mind off of things...I would not have shown him the nice side of me. I gave him a damn massage this afternoon...I NEVER do that. Its the little things that make you get to the big things. And sometimes its just the little things that count.
I am feeling better. But I am so not looking forward too tonight...I hope he gets a wake up call before he gets home. I only mean well...Never mean to hurt or anger. I want us to be okay. And if that means he keeps making me look like a paranoid nut case then awesome. I want to trust him fully and unconditionally. OH WOW...I hate that word.... unconditionally...I hate love actually....I hate sappy crap...but with Joe he does not make me feel like a wuss or a sappy head over heals type of person he makes it feel right and tough some how haha. Can't explain it. We will see. So pray that he wakes up and theres no fight tonight and it all just brings us closer. If I want to keep tabs that should tell him...she really loves me. He shouldn't need a rose and its petals to tell him that. =)  I am trying. I am trying.
Okay off I go because I keep getting all happy that I am making progress then I realize....when 1:30am comes it could all go down the pooper again....oy!
Tootles

Lessons learned

FIRST--Its like someone read my blog and tattled on me. Haha I had just wrote that my parents needed to lower the price of their house.. THEY DID! Its 199,000 now.

You know how you try being the better person but you hate being the better person so then you wonder if its still the right thing if what your doing you really hate and wish you didn't have too? Lost ya didn't I?  Drama is not drama in my eyes its a bunch of la de freakin' da. People talking. People stretching the truth. People over reacting and sometimes drama is real its emotional its honesty its loud its opinions. You try to be the good person and stay out of it or not say anything mean... well let me tell you a little about me..when I am angry I have done REALLY dumb things. I get angry to the point of no return. Theres times I know I need either meds or a straight jacket...but everyone is fine when I'm like that. No one tries to make sure I am never angry or too not friend me because of it fight with me...BUT the minute I am being nice,no fighting,no attitude,maybe even a little emotional,supportive...BAM the worms cum out of the can! Got someone mad at me for something. Got people deleting me. Got people calling me stuck up. My husband tends to walk away..Huh!?
I open up on here and I ended up with people mad about it but then I am bluntly honest or pretty much hey this is how I do stuff like it or not...and people adore me. Again huh!?
Its like pushing a wall that has the ocean behind it.... Its like nailing pudding to a wall....the whole picture is missing that one taco to make it a combination plate...
People are more intimidated by me when I show emotion. Eh. Fools. I'm more likely to go off the deep end before I cry. And when I do cry...I don't want anyones attitude that makes it worse.
Today to people crying is just nothing...its someone trying to get attention..BUT some chick who is lying about being  engaged or pregnant or flirted with your man can be believed. A guy who says shes just a friend when he has a hickey can be believed but tears are not strong enough to wake people up anymore....? That bothers me.
When my kids are in pain or crying or trying to reach out I want the whole freakin world to reach back...
So as many of you know I do the 365 project and this weeks theme was Hope. I have been working for 3 days and will continue tomorrow to get a photo that means a lot to me and really expresses what hope is to me. Hope is not something that is common in my world or my thoughts so I took this very seriously. I have many thoughts in my head but I will not enter them all or post them all but I will take the shots.

As I type this my kids are fighting,my living room looks like a oompa loom-pa threw up in it...I have my room full of stuff that needs to go in the attic even though theres to much  up there already...Wheel of fortune is on in the back ground....I have cats running around because they are tired of being cooped up...Welcome to my world. But by 9pm all will be clean,all will be calm and I will be trying to go to sleep as when Joe comes home hes home for 3 nights. Love Thursdays.

Ah love...I need to learn to do more of that. I need to embrace more of what I like...I need to relax more and not get so heated over such small things. I need to just sit and be okay with what is going on around me or fix it so I am not so wired.

We shall see. for tomorrow. TGIF.
Few photos.
Tootles

Photography

My do and Don'ts I have learned in the last 2 weeks....


Don't try going under a pine tree for a cat eyes view after its snowed...I ended up with a pile of snow on my head...
Do..Getting a shot after snow has gone into every part of your clothing..making body parts cold
Do travel through 2+ feet of snow to get an amazing shot!
Don't try to get a pic of a cat when you have the string on your camera dangling in front of their face.....something will be getting attacked...
Do try to hold your camera over your head when trying to walk through snow and ice..just don't fall!
Don't try setting up a scene shot..when you have a 1yr old and a 2yr old....
Do wake up early to get that perfect sunrise....
Don't give the camera to your husband who can't take pics and trust him to come back with something fantastic lol
Do stand at the end of your driveway doing circles trying to find the right angle....
Do make a pile of stuff on your kitchen table of things you want to photograph




haha a few pics to leave you with

Ya just know

You know that one day where you didn't clean your house...the neighbors or your mother decides to stop by?
You know that one afternoon you slip into your pjs..you find out you have to go out and do something
You know that one time you leave the house with out make up and you run into your ex...or an enemy from H.S...
You know when your eye itches right after you put on your eye shadow or eyeliner??
Those moments are the ones that make me pull my hair out....


I like my house...clean, organized and respected. Bottom line. I do the same thing with your things. When I borrow something if I don't return it in 24hrs then either your being difficult or I am on my death bed. I have 5 cats and two kids do you really trust your stuff in my home? If yes,thank you as I will cherish it BUT logically just let me return it when I want too. I HATE when people have my stuff longer then 48hrs unless I KNOW they are using it. I am not b*tching about anyone I am just getting some stuff off my mind. Thought process never shuts up with me haha.
Another thing...Don't sit there and preach and then say "But you wouldn't know" or "You have no idea" HA!. I have hated the world since I was two...It started showing up on me when I was 14...think about that one. I have smoked stopped smoked stopped and currently am stopped. It has been 9am and I have downed a nice alcohol drink...I scream,I write,I fight...but I never ignore. I can tell when you have an attitude a mile away...I can tell when you have it with my husband and in that moment I didn't say anything thats how you know you just pissed me off. Silence is how you know its time to walk away. If I'm yelling at you..just keep ducking but when I'm silent you did something stupid and childish.  Someone today told Joe they had stopped smoking pot...the one thing Joe did and quit pretty much cold turkey they turn around and say "You have no idea man" he just sat back and laughed. Like everyone knows everyone and their past.


Totally had fun today physically exhausting myself...Ah knock it off,not that. We had about 10 or more bags of garbage plus recycling plus garbage cans full of bags to bring up to the end of the driveway well it was all under snow and crust and ice..I dug them out and took a bunch up. =)
Which brings me to thinking about something...My dad. He's 80 and getting picky about everything. Its so hard to help him because he will complain about it afterwards if its not done perfectly. Joe and I cleaned off the roof for him and he kept telling us "thats good enough" and I would see a spot and clear it off and he would say "Oh good good" so obviously I was seeing stuff he was not well when we went home he told mom that "Joe didn't do it as neat as he would have" He can barely walk theres no way he could have even done what Joe did. My mom says it annoys her but she won't stop his habits and show him to just be grateful...they have a hard time paying for fuel and I sympathize as my propane bill is $798.12 right now...but we will slowly pay it and take it head on-No asking for money FOR THE second time in 2 yrs my dad called the church for money....in 2-3yrs they should have figured out how to downsize so they can downsize their bills. They need a smaller house. I've said it before I'll say it again. Right now they have this crumby house up for sale...for 209!!!!!!! THOUSAND dollars....when nicer houses are going for around 189,000 or so. Only thing is its 10 acres but its not near town,dirt driveway and the house is just ridiculous. Ceiling is caving in,in the living room,roof leaks,drafty and about 20yr old windows,doors that don't shut right,walls that are cracking,no basement....Its bad. Bless their hearts for wanting to stay there but at their ages they should not struggle. They should not be this behind on bills where they are begging and embarrassing us who are watching for their one heat source....
Joe and I are too the point that we are about to say we won't help anymore...my dad is lying by telling us one thing as he watches us like a hawk do what he asks then tells my mother another thing..thats a form of lying. Hes changed so much and so has she. Its disappointing. 


Ah. Life. Night shifts,Feeling isolated...What ever happened to kids playing outside? I have 3 families around me who have kids...and I NEVER see them outside...I use to play outside for hrs when I was a kid..Forts, snowmen,sledding...etc Times have changed. My parents never sat down for hrs on a snow-day and did nothing but watch movies with me all day. I was to go out and play and have fun in the snow. Then that was followed by warm clothes and inside time then usually I was back outside before dark to get some more fun time in. AND I didn't have anyone to play with and I still made outside time fun.
My view from todays generation is so different. I don't do pacifiers,I don't do tv for my kids,I COOK everything my kids eat in this house no boxed no canned stuff,having an imagination is essential,they wont have an electronic until they are very much older,no tv in their room until at least 8,my kids DO NOT act up in a store...I don't watch teen mom or anything because I don't think they should get publicity for doing something STUPID! The new thing is getting knocked up as young as you can? Lets try to keep are hoo hoos in nice shape and our butts skinny and our freedom for longer then 16 yrs....K?  I hated HATED my belly when preggo so I just stare when I see or hear people saying they miss their belly.. YOU WHAT!? why?
Oy! Maybe I am just cranky as the night shifts seem longer...tougher...but then again if I didn't feel like I was the only one around the area it would be nice...theres no life from anyone after like 5pm around here...sucks! I just have different views. But I support everyone. Would never delete someone,stop talking to someone or anything just because of how they do things or how they think. Just really needed to type some stuff tonight. I don't want people to act like me. Goodness the world would be over lol. I just wish people had open minds and remember what life use to be with out IPads and tv..We have shows on now that are inappropriate for kids to even watch or teens to watch...What happen to Happy Days and I love lucy!
I don't have a cell phone,I don't have a lap top,no kitchen aid,no large tv's.. my furniture does not match...Which annoys me...I know people who have stuff people like me could use since they are NOT using it. WHICH brings me to how much I LOVE FREECYCLE!!!!!!!!! LOTS of my stuff has gone well all of it except a tv cart that I just put on and I have gotten a few good things and still watching for someone to post a chair I almost had one but I was not first to respond. Total bummer!
We need another chair or couch and a small freezer.
Also my mud room is done,yay! My place looks a tad bit better now so no one can say we don't keep it up..since its not really our job but we do. Now to just get a hold of the land lord to fix our drafty window problem. I like to take pride in my stuff. I will never  treat anything bad because I want to have it for yrs. I never abuse anything so that I can't save money but keeping it in good condition for a long time. I'm odd I know. haha.
I was realizing today that I just love the cold weather....I get warm really fast when I'm outside so I think thats part of it. =) Its okay I love summer too.
Well that is all for tonight theres a few more things I could rant about but I really want the next post and stuff to be positive..well actually it might be a recipe one..not sure yet.
Thanks for reading haha I am not always cranky I swear! =)
Tootles

Caved

I have moments where everything seems perfect then theres moments where I want to live in a cave....
My oldest is still not speaking and I wanted him to be in preschool next year...but until hes potty trained and talking-I'm just not doing it.
The fighting...oh my the fighting...I know they are siblings but why the fighting. I can't stand it. I think I could stand it a bit more if I could communicate with them. Stefano goes in 2 weeks to get checked over and hopefully recommended into the speech program.
Do I think I failed as a parent? A little but I am just not good with affection,I am not good with talking 24/7 to someone who has no idea what I am saying. With both my kids,when they were younger I never said much to them. I knew they had no clue so I felt really dumb...Now I realize..nope not so dumb.
Why do we always notice things when its too late or almost too late?
People just indulge in that I was spoiled and that probably has something to do with it. Nah,I just came from a very tough love type of home. My parents were a "Your fine" "Get up" "Get over it" type. Nothing wrong with that. I show very little emotion. What emotion have seen was bottled in for too long so I probably looked like a crazy person. And my son gets that from me. He will hold his head when hes just so angry. He should not be that angry at 2. Breaks my heart..I want to cry but I don't cry so I scream in my head...I get this really pissed off look on my face and everyone starts asking me whats wrong...that makes it worse..This is my life this is who I am. I use to be worse but since having kids..its toned down a lot. But never fail I am not a wife who holds something back. If I hate something Joe knows it,If I want more cuddle time Joe knows it,If I want him out of the house,He knows it.
Theres so much that needs to change. I see it. Tomorrow seems like the best time to sit down and go over everything with Joe and make the changes.
One thing that makes it worth it all is how good Stefano is with a camera...he turns into another kids. He tries to talk so much more when that camera is in his hand..he actually got me to come and be his model and I knew everything he was trying to say. Was a refreshing feeling. Although him having my camera makes me so nervous. Hes so smart. I know it. I can see it. But he does not learn the what not to touch and the no no's and the you can't do that things. He learns how a mixer works,he knows his body parts,he knows his name and his sisters. Hes smart. Maybe the lack of tv watching has hurt,not sure but I am not going to force him to sit there and watch tv. Both kids really like music so I feel like thats a good way for them to chill and have a little rock and roll fun!
I will figure this whole parent thing out its just harder for me to do everything 100% right. My hard ass mind gets in the way. My anxiety holds me back. My anger keeps me at bay sometimes. I will figure it all out and balance it to make it work. I have no other choice. Seeing my son so upset where hes holding his head and just yelling is not okay with me.
Ah those moments where your proud just need to over ride the bad. 
So with that said. Not much else is going on. House hunting is still going. Picture taking is still going. Its still winter in Vermont and I am a little over people complaining. Move then. Its cold its snowy occasionally icy..but thats new england weather. I get when its a GRRR factor when it comes to driving and kids getting outside or even snow days but it being cold and stuff just deal with it. Put a few more layers on. I don't like it hot so I do better in cold. Lived in Vermont for 23yrs...98% of the time I don't go to the store or to my moms or anything with a Jacket...if I am staying outside for awhile I will but otherwise nah its part of Vermont and I love it.


The weekend is among us and I am so excited. Tomorrow I have a few pick ups coming for my stuff I posted on freecycle. We have the Steelers game. Joes off.
Now only if I can get my kids to sleep ALL night...they are going back in time almost and acting like newborns or close to it. Little frustrating. Like tonight Joe might bring home Mcdonalds to start off his 3 days off but if the kids are awake with me he won't be able to dive right in with the food as they will see it and want it and I feel thats just not good for their bellies,habits or anything.
It really does not help my anxiety either. I hate being alone when I hear them crying,I always panic.
So my two goals are starting now. Figure out why the kids are not listening when it comes to the treating of the cats. (tail pulling,kitten holding,neck grabbing..) and to cut down on showing them when I am frustrated. Just keep a game face on.
Off to cook dinner. =) 
Tootles

My world

Welcome. I have been away for awhile but my life is just one of those never ending roller coasters. Actually its like a roller coaster that stays upside down and never go upright.

Lets start with the topic Motherhood...*slaps forehead* My kids are like no other....no discipline works,they listen to me once out of 17 times of saying what I want them to do or what I don't want them to do. Most people tell their child no about a dozen times and as time goes they slowly get it and stop doing what ever it is that is a no no or gets them in time out...NOT my kids. They will push your buttons until your screaming loud enough for your neighbors to hear and they are looking at you like "Feel better?" My neighbors must think I am the meanest mom if they can hear me yell but I usually only get loud when it has to do with expensive things,sibling fighting and my animals.  Stefano feels the need to never leave the kitten alone. Zueda feels the need to pull every cats tail,now maybe thats my fault as I bought her a wind up duck...maybe she thinks the cat will do the same thing. I know your thinking well what about tv time,you can do something then or relax then..Oh no no my dear friends..my kids don't watch tv...Thats right they both have no interest at all,now I know at 9-10yrs old I will love them to not want to watch tv but WE ALL know at that age they will be addicted,scream about family time and bluntly tell you to get out of their room. My master plan??? No tv but in the Living room! A HA already out smarting them. Okay so what about nap time. HA. Relax during nap time? Riiiight. Nap time use to be adult time..ah knock it off I met convos, tv ,eating in bed,breaking the rules as parents(eating in the bed is not allowed with the kids),getting projects done...NOW nap time is *Little feet scurrying* Joe- "Get back in your crib,Its nap time so you wont be tired" 10 mins later *Bang Bang* Joe- "Its Nap time,mommy and daddy are relaxing and you need to also" 5 mins later *Crash* Joe- "Get in your own crib Stefano John,Its nap time. Close your eyes and take some time to be calm" FINALLY nap time occurs. So small break. Bed time. Oy! They share a room so if one wakes the other does too most the time. That sucks. And Zueda is going through what I hope is a phase of waking up every once in awhile at 3am then back up at 5am for the day.

• I sat back and realized how I thought I hadn't changed my life or the things I do or even myself in general..then reality struck and I looked around... 
• I am pretty sure before kids I didn't hide my xbox games or ps2 games under my bed.....
• I am pretty sure saying phrases like "The cats tail is not a toy" "You can not flush your toys" and "where is barbies head!" never came out my mouth before kids.
• I am pretty sure I had long nails and earrings in every day...I sit here with 6 fingers that have almost no nail over my fingertip and I have not worn earrings since summer...
• I am pretty sure I use to see the 11pm mark at night....now I barely see 10pm
• I am pretty sure I never got excited over toys,bath time,sales,normal colored poo or anything to do with kids in general.
• I am pretty sure the words "No" "Don't Touch" "Stop" "Leave the cat alone" "Get down" never were repeated over 1,000 times in one day.....

My dvds  use to never leave the shelf but for 1 at a time...now I am constantly picking them up...It never ends. I am fine with that part. What I am not fine is the vision I had for my kids before they were born is not panning out. I wanted well behaved angels. I wanted everyone to talk about how behaved they were when we left. *sigh* Not happening. I envisioned a house...me living my dream and being a mom all at the same time...which brings me to my next topic...HOUSE HUNTING!

You read right. We are in the very early stages of house hunting. Why I say early is what we are looking for is not quite in our budget yet or is not out there yet. My dream has always been to work with animals. God sent me here for a reason and let me tell you it was not to work with humans. With my anxiety and my really foul attitude it just does not work..he sent me here for animals. Now I am not a animal hoarder or a crazy cat lady but I have always wanted to open a dog rescue and training center. I know I know your going but you don't own a dog. Oh hunni please,I know more about dogs then I know about kids lol. 

Lets talk about my animals. I have 6. 5 being cats. They have not had flees in 2yrs. They are brushed and beautiful. They NEVER GO ON MY COUNTERS!!,They don't beg,they have never had worms,ear mites or anything. They are trained to go outside.  And I am a strict owner,lets set an example and pray my neighbors never read this LOL I got told nicely because they were not really complaining  but that my cat was on their trampoline this summer,well I freaked thinking she could put holes in it and maybe even poop on it..WELL I got to know there schedule for time at the local pool..oh goodness me they would laugh their butts off (or call the Retreat on me)if they knew this and I would literally stalk their back yard to make sure my cats were behaving. It took about 9 sprays with the water bottle,2 ripped pants(from hiding behind the trampoline) and about 5 chases before I never saw my cat on their trampoline. NOW all I have left is getting them to say off their car that is not being used but still out in their driveway...they like to sleep on it and I am afraid their claws will do damage to the paint. So in warmer weather...get your video cameras ready because my stalking butt will be outside ready to spray any cat who jumps on any car!!! I was raised to know what an animal should and should not act like. I have know since about 8 how to do basic dog training. And I want to learn more and will. So we are trying to find a house that comes with land for cheap. NOT dirt cheap we are in a good place financially right now. Not quite like everyone else where we can just go and buy or just say "sure I will buy some girl scout cookies" but we are getting there and we need a bigger place. Will I give up the land for a house,of course I am not that selfish. I want my dream fulfilled and I want it before my dad dies ALTHOUGH that won't be for many years so he can be proud. Everyone knew I would work with animals its just my nature, I get either beyond stressed or angry when I feel like I am being judged or anything and animals can't do that. Today the world needs to see the damage they are doing to animals. Foreclosures. Divorces. Panic and just drop them off. Not spaying or neutering. There needs to be more people willing to help and willing to say "Hey,I'll take in your animal no judging -no strings attached" I want to help people who almost give up their animals because they are not acting right(where the training comes in). Joe thankfully supports me a 100% that and he knows when I am the boss of something I kick a$$ and take names. I do better when I feel in control. I use to help my dad load really heavy logs and stuff and I always felt like hes counting on me,I am the only one who can lift these without taking time to split them so I am in control...and I hurdled through any physical work like it was cake. I still do and I don't have,half the muscle I use too. I am going to go look now at a site and then one that also offers places in Bennington,thats about 45 mins from me. I also know they are having a rough time with dogs and strays. I am not bring this up because thanks to show and a woman who owns over 200 pit bulls and bosses parolees around I realized I can do anything. I can do what I dream even if I am a girl. If my family ever need jobs or want to contribute. I will have a place to help them out. I will do so much by doing something I almost let go of because I thought...No..I can't anymore. I've lost myself and now I am determined to get her back and my dreams to a reality. No my dreams are not hight paying,no my dreams might not making everyone proud...my dreams may seem silly to a lot...but they are the air I breath at times. 

Which brings me to my next topic: Freecycle!

We cleaned out our attic and I came to the conclusion that I won't be having any kids any time soon. That might have came when I saw Stefano throwing toys up into the attic,pulling his sisters hair or when I saw Zueda throw a tantrum for 20 mins straight or maybe even when I think about the nights I have had with them and not sleeping. Either way the chose is made. Sooo I put a lot on free cycle. I could have made maybe a few bucks but why waste my time and tag sales are not happening in 2 degree weather. Great site and great way to recycle.

Heres a few other random things I wanted to get out.

The shows Pit bulls and parolees,Alaska State troopers and Intervention are shows everyone should watch!!

Bare with me on my picture taking, I am not in a funk but I am in a funk when it comes to perfecting a shot...not editing no trying to make it perfect..I just snap and go these days.

Yes my house is clean even with one more cat,although its time for a new couch. And thats thanks to Joe not changing his clothes when he comes in from working outside.

I want Joe to get some legal stuff cleared up so we can go to Massachusetts more!

I am proud to say that Joe is on the second to last room that needs paint..again not because of animals but because of kids.

Stefano will be going to the drs sometime soon to see if she can refer us to a speech therapist. I can't deal much longer with everyone else's kids more advanced because they can talk.

STEELERS!!! NO PATRIOTS! Life is good. I wanna say Bears and Steelers but then again...Packers are not doing so bad. Jets do have me nervous though.

Well think thats about it. Will leave with some photos since I am so behind! =)

Tootles

Making up

Making up for lack of blog posts. This is all about pictures. =) Enjoy.
I also hope to write one explaining how I balance a 1 yr old,2 yr old,5 cats,a rabbit,a bipolar non cleaning messy italian husband,a small apartment and a tight budget and make it work! Stay tuned,I plan to show how clean my house is all the time even in the chaos. I will take pics too show. =) For now just a little picture catch up.

4 recipes

Tonight we have 4 recipes.

Home made bread crumbs

Loaded Baked Potato Chowder

Garlic Knots

Home made Icing.


Home Made Bread crumbs:

Let’s get started.

• Pick you favorite type of bread to use as breadcrumbs.  Who ever said plain white bread was the only type of breadcrumbs we are allowed to eat?
• Toast or Bake the bread if your bread is too soft or want a more dry breadcrumb.  I bake the bread in my toaster oven for a few minutes.
• Tear or cut the bread into small chunks.  This makes the process of making crumbs of it a little quicker.
• Throw the bread into a food processor or blender with whatever seasoning you would like.  Italian seasoning is popular, but any type of seasoning will do.
• Let it run for 10-20 seconds, depending on how small you want the breadcrumbs to be.

Second Loaded Baked potato Chowder. It is a pampered Chef recipe.

3 Large baking potatoes(About 21/2 lbs)

31/2 Cups of milk. Divided.

4 Oz of Cream cheese

2 tbsp of Butter

2-3 Green onions(optional)

4 oz Shredded Sharp cheddar Cheese

1 1/2 tsp Salt

1/2 Tsp black pepper

For the toppings,Here is a few ideas of what you could put out.

Sour cream

Chopped bacon

Steamed Broccoli florets

Shredded cheese

The directions have been modified to do it with out a Pampered Chef deep covered Baker.

Slice potatoes in half length wise and cook till tender. Pour 1/2 cup of milk over potatoes and coarsely mash potatoes. Leave in big pan.

Meanwhile,whisk cream cheese until smooth. Slowly add remaining 3 cups milk,whisking until smooth. Add cream cheese mixture and butter to pan of potatoes. Keep  heating through on high-medium heat. Slice green onions into mixture. Put in cheese,salt & pepper,Mix until cheese is melted. Serve with toppings,if desired and of your choice.

Garlic Knots

When making pizza if you have any left over dough. Cut into strips,not fat ones but a little on the long side. Make knots with the strips,once into knots top them all with olive oil,try to get sides as well. In a small bowl,unless you have a lot of knots,mix garlic salt, a little garlic powder,sea salt and Basil. The amount depends on how strong you want the garlic flavor and how many knots you have. Sprinkle over each knot then place them on a cooking sheet for the oven or toaster oven. Then top all with a little more garlic powder. Heat at 425 for about 7-9 mins. Watch to make sure the tops don't burn.


Home made Frosting.
Vanilla Frosting.

3	cups powdered sugar
1/3	cup butter or margarine, softened
1 1/2	teaspoons vanilla
1	to 2 tablespoons milk Mix powdered sugar and butter in medium bowl with spoon or electric mixer on low speed. Stir in vanilla and enough of the milk until smooth and spreadable.