Monday, July 25, 2011

The point

There comes a point where nothing really matters because you start feeling like its all a people are just telling you what you want to hear. They get defensive when they should be allowing you to get defensive. Questions are still being answered with lies. Truth is being with held.
I for one always believed that when a person is defensive and mad that means they are guilty-obviously not everyone is like that some of us get mad to be even accused of something someone has no proof of. But when you have been put in that spot where there is proof and things are starting to crumble around you but the person you lied too's world is crumbling even worse, its not your duty to make that moment even worse for them. Truth,kindness, guilt, apology, deep meaning, explanations, soft voice....  Fighting and arguing and not lifting that weight off your shoulders is not fair to the person who is hearing all of this and the person who knows what they know and want nothing more then the honest truth.
Even the strongest person can be brought down by lies. It depends on what was done and what was said.
If you feel the need to lie then more then likely you know you were wrong. If you were wrong, why would you do what you did in the first place?
Why are you not acting like a normal human?
Why do we make fun of people who act stupid and brainless but then you act just like them?
Trust is the number 1 thing that can keep people close. It happens with everyone. Trust with your co workers, Trust with your family, Trust with your spouse, Trust with your best friend...Trusting the people around you...Its a every day thing. Its what makes us function.
With out trust you have a stranger relationship, you have that moment where you are feeling a person out only you never get to the point of trust because its no longer you keep fighting and fighting to get there but you never ca... when trust is gone its gone. People think in 2 days you can reverse years of mistrust. People assume because you tell them they can trust you then your going to. If your not god I am not going to just automatically go back to the way things were.
Thats the other thing... if you change things...then don't expect them to go back together perfectly like a puzzle. If you made the mistakes that changed a relationship or something then you can't regain how things were in a might never go back..thats the risk you took to make your mistake, to do what ever you did.
You can't change jobs and just assume things will be as easy as they were at your other job or that your co workers will be as lovely as the ones at your old why would you assume in a committed relationship...things will stay the same after hurt,betrayal,lies,mistakes...Things like that. After time these things effect a person as well. Self esteem, hobbies seem unimportant, Disorders can be caused(if self esteem gets shot then anorexia or depression could arise)Habits can come back to haunt us, decisions become irrational when our thoughts deem us of all the bad from the past or even present, Anger arises with no warning, Tears flow with no explanation that has not been explained at-least once before, thing get repeated because we are testing you to see if your story has changed or we are still searching for answers..the right answers. Everything that was is no longer. All the likes you had no longer exist. Those days without fights don't happen anymore... because anger and hurt don't go away.  
Any little hint of a lie blows up to be something huge. That person never quite understands why that happens.

When one is making mistakes they could be planning a surprise, thinking about their family, missing their family....but instead they choose to put you on the back burner so they can mess up.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Thursday finally

Well I have been coupon cutting...
Deal searching...
And I am still nothing compared to the ladies on Extreme couponing!

So I did this quick little survey thing of basics about me. Felt like I was back on myspace or something haha.

Favorite Shows- First 48, Missing persons,Americas got talent,Storage wars,Roseanne(Okay it might no longer be on but its a classic), Golden girls,Pitt Boss, Ice road trucker, American loggers, American restoration,Pawn stars, Pickers...I have a lot lol.

Favorite cold drink- Oooo toughy between cold coffee and Dr.Pepper.

Favorite Hot drink-Hot chocolate!!!

Favorite car or truck- I have a thing for tow trucks and plow trucks haha but really I love 69 Ford mustangs, Ford focus from 2000-2010, Nissan Altimas, Older Dodge rams, Older ford trucks and of course the Ford F350 extended cab... I have a few others too.

Favorite time of day- It depends on the day.

Favorite thing to do in summer-Tan,Tag sales and bbq's.

Favorite feature on yourself- ankles? lol I love my arms too.

Favorite chore-Hanging out clothes...I feel like someone from little house on the prairie. =D

Favorite Hobby- Photography.

Favorite type of shoes- Heels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is your favorite piece of clothing you own- This mini skirt and yellow tank top..the skirt because its the first one I bought after having kids and the tank top because its cheery and cute!

Favorite girly thing to do- My nails.

Favorite ice cream- Mint choc chip!

Favorite food- HAHA like I can choose just one.

So I am hoping Joe has an early night..that would be awesome. This heat has been getting the best of us all.
Nothing is planned for this weekend as of right now. 
I just totally caught myself singing to Arthur...the kid show...oy! It was a fav of mine haha.
Z has a speech appointment at the school Tuesday to help set some goals and such. 
My picture taking is good but my editing...ohhh I need work there. Not much else happening. Twilight is still doing good. All animals are well. All kids are well. Hubby has been testy lately....we agreed it stops or we divorce. Well obviously there was a lot more too it but we will see. Too much drama. And which sucks is I can take drama but Joe seems to not be able too. Again we will see. Hopefully it works out as when we can get along its fireworks.
Also trying some dieting. I have not gained but I am not losing either. So hopefully I can get my butt in gear. If it cools down I'd do more walking.
I got a lot of cleaning done so hopefully tomorrow can be a do the odd job type day and do somethings I have been wanting to do for awhile now.
I still have some presents I am getting together for people. Joes birthday is coming up as well.

So this whole sexting craze...OH I am going there. WTF is with it( I use fruit not the actual F word) anyway.... really? Really? Sexting? We can't leave anything up to the imagination these days? ok ok I am no innocent member here but I am married so its a little bit more okay..wait I am not saying I do LOL just stating that if your younger then 14...sexting is a little un needed. Not that I judge...but I will admit I do judge when people are selfish and bring kids into the world who don't get what they deserve from life because the parents are partying and not giving a damn. I know a lot say well sexting is better then real if they are sexting then they are prob doing the deed as well. Plus theres the chance others see the photos...others start bullying...Theres a high rate of trouble that goes a long with it. My views are not set in stone on this topic but I do think of how different the generations are. I tend to respect everything someone tells me that is older then me...their generations had it right. Theirs was better. My parents...I listen to them a lot...I have my moments where I spend money that I know better to spend....But otherwise I listen. 
Love is criticism if you can't take criticism then you can't respect the opportunity to learn and branch out of your thinking process.
So anywho...I am off. Gotta think of dinner. I just realized..there is not one night when its just me and the kids..that I don't make something. I stuck to my parenting style I always wanted. Clean house meal on the table at every to get them to listen..since I always thought I would have good listening kids...haha

Tootles. A few pics for the time being!
=0 Much loveeee!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Kind words

Thank you all for being so damn adorable and loving when you saw my post that was very long and had some pictures in it.
I beat around the bush a lot but..I really wanted to marry into a decent family. And lately they have been acting cruel.
Thank you thank you for the kind words and realizing I do have a heart LOL you all were so sweet and knew I don't usually write like that. I don't usually do poem like things. But when you cry in front of someone that should feel somewhat of your pain and does not. They still blame you for crap you never did it gets to you no matter if your tough as nails or as week as soggy corn flakes....
So I have days I want to be a Torrey and only a Torrey but not get rid of Joe. Him and I can work wonders together..but his family...His family is off the wall stupid. I use to adore them and think this is nice..Now I think WTF did I do!!!! Sorry for this rant but some of you wanted to hear the whole story and not just the sappy side of it. I went to my sisters on Sat and had a ball. Family smiles. Family laughs. When Joes family is around its like watching the clock stop....Went to my moms today and that was fun,all the area to run and play with the kids,helped dad do a few things around the place thats nice. Worse part is I don't think I'd dislike them if they didn't make me feel the way they do. I will not bash Joes family because thats not fair to him but my emotions run wild. I am no stranger to these people yet they act like I am the bad I spent time in jail, done weed, been drunk, crashed 6 cars.....when I have DONE NONE OF THAT! I am a good parent,I try very hard. My mom loves my kids, My sister loves my kids,My nieces and nephew seem to love them, My dad loves why can't my MIL shut the front door up and realize I can't be doing to much wrong. She has said how they need to get out more and blah blah. We try. I only have so much family and so many friends. I am not miss popular!
She also is another one who does not come and talk to the problem.  If I did something you think is unfair or mean or something come talk to me!!! If you think a status or blog is about you come talk to me. I am not afraid of drama,I am not afraid of confrontation! haha when I say that I think of my older sister,well my only sister hahaha she will tell off the biggest baddest guy in the room if she has too lol  her Aunt lana-Well I call her my aunt too but in all honesty she is no relation to me at the same way. Tough as nails. Its fun to listen to their stories. You can't tell stories with my in-laws...either your telling it wrong or its not about Joe so they don't want to hear it. I mean my MIL got mad that I didn't take pictures at MY nieces graduation party of Joe.. EXCUSE ME? You might not know my niece but telling me she should not be the center of my pics is disrespecting and I won't allow that. Not for a second. And since then me and her have been VERY rocky. Anyhow I don't run my mouth about people...let me tell you I say my feelings from my heart but I don't run my mouth and if something is secret then it stays secret. She does not get that...I confided in her and she went and told Joe...bipolar Joe...for 6 hrs last-night I was trying to calm the guy down!!! So I am not running my mouth now,I am stating it how I see it and how I feel it. I love Joe but hes not gonna be the center of something he shouldn't be. Hes not gonna get away with things he shouldn't. PERIOD. Hes my hubby and I do tell him a lot because he also has a heart and can really relate to things and feels bad for people and we talk other peoples problems out to see if we can help them. He would do my sisters floors if she asked, he will mow the lawn for my dad, he will fix a co-workers car....He understands a lot of things like I do. We don't gossip and we don't tell people things that are none of their business AND WE BOTH CAN TAKE confrontation me better then him lol. I got cursed at my niece who means the world and I figured out the problem instead of cursing back at her or taking crap out on her or talk shit about no no I said hm a 18 yr old just cursed me out.....Im getting to the bottom of this and someone will pay..and they did...dearly. =) But thats not the point we can bounce back like MIL is still mad at me for my choices I have made and I am mad at her for things from 3 yrs ago. We don't bounce back. Eggs don't bounce and neither do we. ok ok I am totally lame lol but you get what I am saying, I stand for no ones crap so I'm sick of putting on a smile and at times thats with my family too because oh my lord you can cut the tension with a butter knife some might be just someone in a mood or something was said that someone didn't like but blood family deal. In laws... unless they are Leave it to Beavers parents....most in laws could care less. But I do give many credit and again bad mouthing is not happening just explaining the strange sappy post I made the other day,yesterday was just me listening too,to many love
I can be an emotional person but I feel like people could have read that and not understood at all,not got that I wrote that from my heart and my feelings and met what I wrote. And when I mean what I write it becomes poemy-sappy crap. =) But most of you really knew something was weighing on me and that it was out of ordinary and things out of the ordinary always need to be checked on even if you have not spoken to that person for a long time or you had a fight yrs ago...the out of the ordinary could be so much more... Suicide rates are up... We need to pay attention to those signs. And you all really did. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It wasn't that troubling as I am a mom but I do worry something will happen to me and no one will ever really know me as a person. Why I like to be called Raven...Why my heart runs wild with love when it comes to dogs....Why in November I am an emotional wreck, Why I love rabbits, Why I cook and clean like the cleavers, Why I strive to be perfect... My photography, my style... so much people might have no clue about... I play dumb about things I a dog...gosh I just play stupid like I know nothing and I've never trained one before...I make comments but claim I never knew that or something...haha good thing I have no family that reads this...they would be on to me and my convos would never be the same haha. I did have a really heart felt talk with someone that actually led me to say I love you like it was saying hello or something...I hate those 3 words.... but she made me say them so easily. I told her all I needed to and walked out,she knew I met every word.  =) Feels good when you can be so honest with someone and so down right loving, down right flat out with them and they really listen. She was raised right and we all are proud of her. No you don't need to know who I'm talking about cuz well frankly sir's and Ma'ams..its none of your business. =) Well its been a good day so I don't want to think about things at all.  I am off to get ready to watch tv with the kids. Hopefully tomorrow will go by fast. And my weekend can begin. Fun fun!
Night folks!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Left out

Seems like all I write is bull crap. Stuff that I shouldn't have to write.

I feel so left out.
I feel like I am not good enough to be someone's entertainment
I feel like someone's going back to their old ways
I feel all my hard work is going down the drain.
I feel alone..
I feel not good enough
I feel like no one will ever care for me in that way I'm searching for
I feel left out
I feel disrespected
I feel like no one knows me
I feel like all my improvement means nothing
I feel like those special moments only met something to me
I feel like those every night things that mean a lot to me mean nothing to others
I feel slightly useless
I feel unwanted
I feel left out
I grow to believe what has been told to me
I grow to believe what my mind says
I learn to ignore what I can
I learn to listen to my heart
but what happens if my heart is just not good enough for some people
what happens if my trying and myself is not good enough
this is me....I will change a little as time goes on....but otherwise this is me
I clean cook nag call talk scream complain compliment try new things have ideas take care of animals love my family ...I listen.. I conquer I learn..I do so much more
those things I look forward too I want to share that with someone
I want someone to look forward to me and those moments as well
I want someone to miss me
Someone to want me
Someone to remember me
If I die tomorrow would anyone notice?
I want people to respect me
I want people to say "Shes all I need"
I want people to trust me
I want it all and more
I want to feel like the only woman he looks at
I want to feel that heart beat every night
I don't want to sleep alone
I dont want to be put last
I dont want to be alone
I don't want.......
what I here
So close....
But so far.....
No one sees my eyes hurt
No one sees my hands shake
No one hears my tears
No one hears my heart break
No one sees my hopes shatter
My dreams break
My future seems so dim
like someone turned off the lights
Someone let me down
Someone wilted my ways before I even got to them much to say so much to think
how can I keep writing through these tears
Tears of happiness tears of pain....
I feel left out.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

That surviving thought

My mind has been buzzing about things...Things that I should let go of but can't. 

A person can cry and it not be genuine. 
A person can apologize and mean it.
2 very simple thoughts..but two thoughts that have not left my mind.

When you never let a person get close to you... When you always assume you know that person even when you two have no clue about each-other because each have had a wall up.... When you don't listen to whats being said because you don't like whats being said or your not listening because that wall is up....Whats the point of pretending?

I put on this ridiculous smile, I make compliments, I am there when I am suppose to be. I try and try if someone needs help, I might fail...but I tried..thats the most someone can ask. I keep my family in check, I never come empty handed...I am on time....I try to impress...I speak honesty... I am real. I am thankful. I am caring. I know family is very important. I never bring negativity...I always bring my best. I do things I hate to do. For what? To be let down time and time again?

My family means the world to me. To be angry over something that could have been worse is dumb. If they were in my head I like to think they would love and adore me. I sat for for an hr on the way home thinking about how I could help with the skills I do have. I cried over the fact that I was not believed when I spoke the truth,how I stepped up unlike a lot of other people and quickly got over something. I acted mature...I spoke with a heart...I spoke the truth,no one had to sit there and wonder what I was really thinking or feeling because I lay things flat out for people. The complex parts I leave out but no one could handle those thoughts. 

One thing that stems from this all is the fact that no matter what you know you better then anyone. And if they don't want to take the time to get to know you then they most certainly can't judge you. If its not something you want to hear then there is no reason not to be thankful for the truth or the fact that someone tried but couldn't.

When you keep having those moments that should bring you closer and they never do... Your heart stops caring little by little. Your wall not only comes down but it goes down so far you forget these people are family and you start treating them like strangers.

I am no stranger. I am someone who has been here through thick and thin. I am no stranger. I am that one you can call at 1am. I am that one you can use as a shoulder to cry on. I am no stranger. I was born with the same genes. The same common denominator. I am no stranger. I place my hand on your back so you know I have gone no where, I make sure you never forget that I have talents,ideas,thoughts,suggestions,help to offer. I offer my talents to help you in some way. I am no stranger. I am not quiet, I am not small, I am not hilarious, I am not popular, I am not tall, I am not thin, I have a less then feminine voice, I am a advocate for animal and child abuse... I am no stranger. I may not be perfect, I may not fit your high expectations, I may not be that person that can heal your past, but am that person that never hurt you. I am no stranger. Our families may be miles apart, our families may be different ages, our families may do things differently but none the less we are family and nothing changes that. Not last names, Not distance, Not mistakes and most of all Not differences. I am no stranger. I don't judge, I listen with intent to learn and offer my thoughts. I smile to let you know its okay, I laugh to let you know "Let it go", I forgive to let you know my heart is solid, I try constantly to let you know I'm here. I am no stranger. My back has never been seen by your face...I am no stranger. 

If you had been listening you would have known those moments are the ones you remember forever. If you had been watching you would have known other peoples thoughts were not mine. If you had been learning you would have figured out I follow no one but the beat of my own path. The beat of my own drummer that only exists in my head. I say these words out loud before I type them, I hear the down in my voice that no one else creates except you. 

I have lost many over the years. Friends and family and even acquaintances that I never got to know as well as I would have liked. I have watched that clock tick by.. I have watched what happens when people put a middle person in and never hear what the  other person at the other end thinks or really even said. They just count on the distance.

Distance. Its something between objects.  That phone call you never made. That convo you never had. Those facts you heard from someone else. That compliment you might never get to say. That proudness you never get to show. Its time to cut that middle person out. Its time to memorize numbers. Its time to stop acting like we are kids.

I read books and imagine my life being like the people in it... I imagine those huge family get together. Those moments where everyone cars about nothing but that moment. Where no one cares what they get for christmas. No one cares what others make for an income. Where mood changes are common and accepted. Where no one hides things. Where people listen and be thankful.

When someone says "I don't like blank but since others like space - buy space" And you hunt for hrs looking for that blank because you feel like what they said was more of an insult then a sweet unselfish statement.... Then its time to reevaluate how you think and how you look at this world.
Those moments where you don't want to be alone and you feel alone against the world...when you feel like nothing you do is right... reevaluate the people who come and go in your life. Evaluate what people say and do for you. Cry a little. Yell a little. Throw something. Just don't always blame others. It could be others. It could be some others or everyone. It could be you. It could be something wrong. Something bothering you. Counseling might even be needed? It never hurts to wrack your brain and figure out what caused the anger and sadness.

I personally find myself angry at people who are no longer alive or even in my life. I can feel myself taking my anger out on others. I can sense my attitude.  You can not go your whole life mopping around and trying to make things about you.  You can't search for perfection when you are not even sure of yourself. You can't expect to get perfection if you do not fix the flaws.

I could go on about this depressing topic but what is said is said and when it clicks it will click. No amount of words or my time is going to make it click. I can just hope.

A few photos that mean a lot to me recently. 

A few quotes as well.

"When others seem emotional, its not over reacting but something deeper... maybe even a good bye so never take those raw emotions for granted." 

"Raw emotion is the best cure for a broken heart"

"Weak  people can pretend... Strong  people ask others for help"
"Never compare yourself to others-As you will be searching for that perfect forever"
"Speak those unspoken words before there becomes to chance too"
"To be brave means to step out of that box, out of your element and shine brighter then you ever have before!"

"Treat others how you want to be treated" "People can see through a fake personality" 

"An eye for an eye and the whole world is blind"

" Take those conversations and remember them like a photograph"
"Little boys learn the most from their grandfathers"
"When something could have been worse, Don't dwell, Dwell on what didn't happen and count your blessings"

"Say good bye each time you leave, You never know if it will be the last one"
"Fear is never ones fault..."

Enjoy your week!