Monday, October 3, 2011

In my head

I want to get one thing straight before you read this.... I cherish family. I love my family. I am a strong person on most days. I try really hard to respect people. 
Lets begin....
I am having a really hard time connecting with my mom lately. I always took what hurt and would laugh about it...Recently I have felt very fake and very torn. I feel like I am missing relationships with other family members because of her. Not because she is one sided or because she is cruel. My mom is a very beautiful person she just forgets to follow her own words of wisdom. She always taught me and my siblings to never be selfish. I have handed down most of my stuff to my nieces and nephew, I would bend over for them. and vice versa with my sister and my kids. She buys them exactly what they want like she can read their minds.  My sister and I are not as close as we should be..and for years I never really understood why...then I needed her less then a month ago as my life became a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions. She told me exactly what I needed to hear and I took a piece of her advice and laid down some ground rules for my life,including stepping up and finding my passion to make it a job so I had my own income. I laid down rules with my husband. I suggested moving,in-which he was all for. I told my mother nothing of the conversation. I let her words linger for days before allowing my family to come back together,my husband was then let back into our lives... So where is the problem? Where am I going with this? Before my sister and our conversation on the phone that lovely night....I felt pressure from my mom to get the hell out of her house...I needed her the most right then and there....I needed to feel like I was not a burden or the dumbest person on the face of the earth for marrying this new yorker who before we got married was the light of everyones eye. He adored my family in a normal healthy way. He suggested anything to help anyone. But again thats not the point...I just needed to feel a certain way to accomplish what I needed to get done. I needed to hear that people make mistakes. My mom always made me out to be the perfect child...when really I am a cutter, I am a smoker, I am a speeder,I spend too much, I am afraid of people, I stay online to much, I don't call my family enough, I don't say I love you enough, I lie, I pretend to be happy when I am not... Now when I say happy I am for the most part. I am thankful for a lot of my life. But one thing missing, my sister warned me about...and I didn't get it then but I do now. Mom has a funny way of showing you she loves you..... she has a way of making you feel like trash that has just been thrown into the dumpster. 
These things have come from my moms mouth recently... Causing me to relapse with cutting. I am typing this so that if anyone else feels the way I do, you know your not alone. I don't want phone calls or sympathy. A cutter will move on with time. I am not suicidal in the slightest. I live for my family.  Here are the quotes straight from my mom. "Your kids are so annoying,there is no break between them getting into things." "at 7 I just want my down time thats why I told her(Me) that she can't come back to my house every fight with Joe"  "you better work it out because your not calling me again to come get you"... Those are the three that I can't quite let go of. I love her very much but she helps so little. I don't want her money. I just want her kind words. Or her ability to spread the word about my photography to help me build something bigger and better for myself. I want to know I have somewhere to go if I need too. Yes I work out but nonetheless Joe is bigger then me and has more friends then me. He has no anxiety. He knows no emotion. He does when hes normal. But when he switches out of that character....hes a beast that I can't fight alone. Its a battle worth fighting I  decided that Sunday... My marriage is the best when its normal. And Joe is normal. Yesterday we had a parade to go too in Mass. Family was going to be there, my bestie was there...and I stood there in person but not in mind.... My husband did fine...he was sweet, he made people laugh...thats the guy I married...He was himself without the bipolar,without the friends that back him up....with out the devil on his shoulder.  Hes been acting this way for awhile now,and its been very nice.... But today he let the devil in again. Was it something bad no....but it was something he had promised not to do....I would handle it all better if I knew I could pick up the phone and bitch and whine and complain about him and the situation to someone. And my sister would listen...I know that. But its not her problem she has a life, my mom has a very little one so she could offer an ear easier...and the last time I tried to bitch and by bitch I mean I was laughing and just making jokes about what was going on she said to me "ha, you two are something else" she never even asked any questions or listened to anything else I had to say. She didn't ask those deeper questions that you should pull out of someone if you know they are upset... All it was today was porn. Porn is not a huge issue with him anymore so this time shouldn't have been a big deal...but because of the circumstances he couldn't have picked a worse time to mess up. I was proud of yesterday, theres things happening in our private life that are fun and just a blast...I was doing something for him when he went to the porn....and on Friday I had a break down about my he knew that I was not yet healthy about myself yet....also him saying to me "Your so hot" as I stand there in sweat pants and long sleeve then go to porn didn't help. Maybe I am oversensitive...but you go from 110 lbs to 139 lbs...Not a big jump but when you live to weight lift and to be fit....thats a big jump..its a big jump when you really only had your body to impress someone with... I am Hillary and I use to cheat on every bf I had... I use to seek attention the wrong way. People assumed I was seeking it through my cutting when really i was seeking it in men. I still don't say I love you to my husband...because to me love is nothing...I always turned and burned after an encounter with a longest relationship was 11mos I believe....shows you I never liked sticking around for people to see my emotional side or anything. I didn't show much of anything but anger and sex during most relationships. I knew the guy though, through and through before hitting the sheets...but it was still very meaningless. I met Joe in 2007... He was that macho guy that I had been craving. That guy that my secrets didn't seem so bad when told.... I do love him as hard as it is to even say that word... I know he can be a good guy. His grandfather was near perfection...I see hope.  I know its not all him. But I want to know that I can shower, or be out of the room and him not need porn. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own home... I don't ask for much. I just thought for 23yrs my mom was something shes not. My sister wins again. She knew. She warned. DONT GET ME WRONG! My sister loves my mom and would never hurt her in any way...just she knew that feeling of not being loved....I believed her I just didn't believe that my mom was the number one cause....But duh... I needed help before I got into kindergarten with my anxiety and nothing.... I needed help in school...and nothing... I needed help with addictions...and nothing... I craved men...she never noticed...I stayed out over questions were asked....I cried in my room for hrs...I went days without eating and no one came up those stairs....I should have gotten it.  I first started seeing it in the 8th grade... the teacher at the time was being a real ass and held me back saying I had to much work to get caught up....yet when summer school came around it was only in math and I was done in 4 weeks and that was only going twice a week...It was all a lie...He didn't like me for my attitude and who I was...No one fought for me.... No one told him that what he was doing was wrong. July of 2000 and something I snapped for the first time in front of a teacher....Mr howes was teaching me and only me that was the deal of summer school....and he pushed me too far...I snapped so bad he walked out of the school....1 week later he came back to talk to me and for the first time I felt emotional in front of someone...up till that day I showed no one and I do mean no one my tears...first time I felt like someone noticed I was not okay....I went to my room after our talk and painted my room blood red.... It was the start of something even worse. I became a more sneaky...bigger liar... Then in the 9th grade I found out there was no money for me to go to college...and I stopped caring... I have shared this with no all are the first... I hid behind black and my muscle. I use to walk all over Bennington and fear nothing.... I pushed to the ground and held down a 260lb guy....who hurt my best friends heart at the time.... I cared about nothing more then in the moment.  Who I am today is not really that different. My kids saved me. Joe saved me for the longest time from cutting. He was helpful and caring.  He still can be. He still is most the time.  But again...this is not where I am going... I never thought I would spill this out on my blog...but when you cant handle much more... 
Now don't think I am weak,that will be your biggest and likely last mistake.  Emotionally though I am just a wreck. My mom was something to me that I thought would never go away...but then you move out and you have kids realize a lot.... I don't put up with don't say hi to me one time and you get dirty looks for a act snotty towards me, your gonna hear about it, you miss treat an animal even slightly and I will be right there in your face....but I always made excuses or ignored the hurt I got from my mom thinking it was just me being young and was better then being angry and doing drugs so I figured what I was feeling was normal. Turns out it was never normal and my good childhood was not as swell as I thought.  My mom forgets she didn't always pick the right man.... She forgets she lived at home for a long time...she forgets she had a house every single time back in the day....  She forgets that being hardcore is not going to help anyone. She forgets that being selfish is not what she taught her kids...
September 7th haunts me...and now I have to wonder if my mom was different..if theres a change my brother might still be here. I would never want her to beat herself up over it..but I did at one time thinking the 2nd little sister was too much for him... Was there stuff she just didn't notice....was there emotion she didn't show... I know growing up it was "your fine" or "Get over it" she had emotion but never at that right moment...never that mom you think about in your thoughts,that really sweet,give you her left eye...type mom. She could be worse, so I am thankful for that. She could be a druggie....a murderer....she could be homeless...she could care nothing about her family....but the damage she caused might never be repaired. I would love to say all of this to my sister so she understands that my life was easier in some ways and really blew in others. I'd love to just talk to her about mom and get everything off my chest Why do that to her. Why make her listen to my pity stories when hers are more then likely bigger. 
When you dream you always make people to be what you want them to parents would be younger,in a nicer home,more money, more understanding of times and what ignoring things does.... I can't really explain how I would want them to act...but I see people all the time calling in laws and reaming them out for "hurting their baby" or something...or moving them out because they know they need too...or helping out some way....other then material. Its hard to explain. To the naked eye her and I are just fine. Yesterday we were only 10mins into a 45min if not more trip before she upset me...but you ask anybody at the parade and they would say what the heck are you talking about.  Its funny because when I first moved out...I showed her when I was angry and we would actually talk about it or at least address nothing. I am not going to talk to her,I am gonna keep this one another one of my secrets. Shes young but old enough to not need this stress. She is who she is. I can't change her. 
Maybe I wrote this for other reasons... who knows. No one will ever be able to get into my head enough to understand my thinking. I do know one thing, being fake is not me. I need to get a grip on things enough to show people when I am angry and at the same time be over it within minutes.... Its all I can write for now. I am to tired. Some fights you just never win.

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