Dealing..accepting...forgiving

Everyone tends to say that its all about forgiving and forgetting... What about accepting? What about accepting why it happened,that it happened,that you can't make it go away..a lot think thats where the forgiving and forgetting part comes in...me not so much. I can't forget it because it can possible reflect on the future and could happen again... accepting it lets me remember it so my guard is at least up..What about that? How do you expect a person to put a wall down if you continue to mess up? I think you know where this is going if you know my marriage and you know my husband. This time a co worker. Did anything happen not really. Little flirting. He made the first move for cell phone numbers. Thinking to much about her. This is all stuff that to me is not allowed when you stand up and take vows. Maybe I am overreacting...Maybe I am wrong when I think that when you say "Sorry" Say you will never do it again. Get chances that others might not get you should honor them and really realize how hurtful you were being and how to embrace the change,how to alter your thinking from single life to taken life... Actually mean that your sorry. Prove you deserve the chance you have been given. Mistakes are to learn from and never to be made again. Joe is on his 5th chance. I know what he has said and what I have been told but I can't fully wrap my mind around that,thats all that happened. I can't deal with the fact that he went against what he said and promised. I can't accept the fact that I am giving him another chance when hes being a little bossy. I'm not allowed to accuse him...excuse me???? I think we are golden then BAM I catch you in a whirlwind of lies...yes its going to take me some time to ACCEPT that you are in the clear and have a heart this time because for 4 years it seems you have not had one!!!! *Deep Breath* I accused him today because things just did not add up instead of calling back completely understanding where I would think maybe she was talking to him before work and stuff he goes "I can't take it" "I said no more" and all this cold things. Oh I'm sorry I didnt know I was the one in hot water. I would have called back and explained what happened,said I know your having a hard time because of the past and everything I have done but we will make it and we will be okay and I need you too slowly trust me more and more each day and lets start with today. OR something like that nice and sweet. Nice and understanding. Nope not Joe. He acts like I'm the bad guy. When its my heart thats on the line here. Its my kids lifestyle and life in general thats on the line. Unfortunately he abuses technology he abuses his cell and the internet he uses them in the wrong way. Not often but enough where its been more times then years we have been married. (Enter excessive crying here). I threw up earlier because I had planned to keep my mind off of everything,prove that I could learn to trust him..blah blah then BAM hes at work early,he forgets to pick up what I asked him too,hes telling me did u call? Um if I did shouldn't you have picked up??? Then he tells me well it said one voicemail must have been from the realtor..NO she called here..He puts it on vibrate because he can feel it his excuse was that the music was up so he might not have..huh?..So that was fishy then when I called him back there was no hello there was a very harsh "Did you call?" UM really? and I called back because it claimed he called me...A huge mess and my mind took it to mean something else was going on. Thats what happens when thats all your mind has known and thought for 4 years. You can't train your mind that fast unless your are amazing with your mind. And sometimes you can if its something serious enough like he claimed he was going too do,which was completely alter his thinking and realize theres lots of nice woman lots of better looking woman but thats not what makes the world go round and he has a family back home..End of story. Don't look at a women and see potential look at a woman as what ever she may be co worker in this case. So I called him on his break and was really nice because I really wanted him to be so sweet and tell me no its all a mix up and what ever else that would ease my heart,head and well my belly after I threw up my dinner.
My mind is locked that theres more to the story of what went on,I am trying to prove that if he got his act together I could be amazing,cocky but I could. I love spoiling people. I like indulging in my man. Sorry if TMI haha but you get what I am saying. So I showed him that he should have totally just been kind to me and not make me feel like its my head on the chopping block. He thinks if he loses us its no problem because he can get a woman with no problem..Not sure fully thats what he thinks but it sure feels like it. I have been dealing with this all on my own for 5 days..on top of 4 yrs of his mistakes.....I am holding on to a dream and a little hope..lots of love and the future for my kids. It would be nice if he realized this all and gave back. I could love him to pieces,I could be that person I always was in my thoughts and day dreams. Someone happy and who makes someone else happy.
I mean theres more to this all. Comments he has made. The huge fight that lead to the whole wanting her to call him on his break thing...that was all just not in my favor. He was down right mean. So much going on in my head so much to think about so much to change so much to hope for. I slip up by thinking something bad and he all of a sudden can not forgive or even realize..man I hurt her bad if this is what its doing to her..making her a paranoid freak of nature. They always say a hug and a smile goes a long way...maybe I just need more of those. More love less hate. More happy less anger. More its my fault not you. More I am the one in the dog house not you type of feelings. *sigh* I am writing all of this but it feels no better because I know there will be a fight because he claims its over because I blew my SECOND chance...I accused him the first time and found out he was doing stuff so that does not count and this time I did because of a huge mess up that if he was in my shoes or tried to be he would have totally understood. Hes gotten over 10 chances I think I deserve just as many as he does. But these are not I am breaking his heart chances these are its annoying and shes annoying me because I am being good for the moment and I am mad so I am divorcing her chances...mine are my god this guy use to be the love of my life I want him to still be I think he can change...I am giving me a much needed other chance....BIG DIFFERENCE.

So I decided just in case he comes home in a better mood..... to write what I love about him even though we have been through a lot....
1. We have been through a lot.... =)
2. He cooks so well.
3. Works hard. Plays harder. =)
4. Will run out for stuff 30 times if needed.
5. Keeps up his place..like this apartment...he does the maintenance or he calls to have it done no letting it look like crap.
6. Honest about his ideas. Example he wants to get another vehicle with tax money he will keep updating me and keep talking about it until it happens no guessing what hes doing no trying to figure out what hes thinking.
7. He will slam on the brakes if I see a picture to take.haha
8. My type! Looks wise.
9. Strong.
10. Can be so sweet....I want that...
11. Can be so smart...I want that again too...
12. Learns fast. =)
13. Good shopper.
14. Caring. When hes not angry about dumb things.
15. Funny.
16. Fun.
Now that these will prob get his ego to large...I feel better. I would praise,brag,and all so much more if I knew I didn't have to keep sharing him with other woman. Even if it was just the start this time..what happens if I hadn't caught him? Anything? Maybe not...but it happened and I have the right to cry,scream,accuse,call every 5 mins, fold and re fold laundry just to get my mind off of things...I would not have shown him the nice side of me. I gave him a damn massage this afternoon...I NEVER do that. Its the little things that make you get to the big things. And sometimes its just the little things that count.
I am feeling better. But I am so not looking forward too tonight...I hope he gets a wake up call before he gets home. I only mean well...Never mean to hurt or anger. I want us to be okay. And if that means he keeps making me look like a paranoid nut case then awesome. I want to trust him fully and unconditionally. OH WOW...I hate that word.... unconditionally...I hate love actually....I hate sappy crap...but with Joe he does not make me feel like a wuss or a sappy head over heals type of person he makes it feel right and tough some how haha. Can't explain it. We will see. So pray that he wakes up and theres no fight tonight and it all just brings us closer. If I want to keep tabs that should tell him...she really loves me. He shouldn't need a rose and its petals to tell him that. =)  I am trying. I am trying.
Okay off I go because I keep getting all happy that I am making progress then I realize....when 1:30am comes it could all go down the pooper again....oy!
Tootles