Caved

I have moments where everything seems perfect then theres moments where I want to live in a cave....
My oldest is still not speaking and I wanted him to be in preschool next year...but until hes potty trained and talking-I'm just not doing it.
The fighting...oh my the fighting...I know they are siblings but why the fighting. I can't stand it. I think I could stand it a bit more if I could communicate with them. Stefano goes in 2 weeks to get checked over and hopefully recommended into the speech program.
Do I think I failed as a parent? A little but I am just not good with affection,I am not good with talking 24/7 to someone who has no idea what I am saying. With both my kids,when they were younger I never said much to them. I knew they had no clue so I felt really dumb...Now I realize..nope not so dumb.
Why do we always notice things when its too late or almost too late?
People just indulge in that I was spoiled and that probably has something to do with it. Nah,I just came from a very tough love type of home. My parents were a "Your fine" "Get up" "Get over it" type. Nothing wrong with that. I show very little emotion. What emotion have seen was bottled in for too long so I probably looked like a crazy person. And my son gets that from me. He will hold his head when hes just so angry. He should not be that angry at 2. Breaks my heart..I want to cry but I don't cry so I scream in my head...I get this really pissed off look on my face and everyone starts asking me whats wrong...that makes it worse..This is my life this is who I am. I use to be worse but since having kids..its toned down a lot. But never fail I am not a wife who holds something back. If I hate something Joe knows it,If I want more cuddle time Joe knows it,If I want him out of the house,He knows it.
Theres so much that needs to change. I see it. Tomorrow seems like the best time to sit down and go over everything with Joe and make the changes.
One thing that makes it worth it all is how good Stefano is with a camera...he turns into another kids. He tries to talk so much more when that camera is in his hand..he actually got me to come and be his model and I knew everything he was trying to say. Was a refreshing feeling. Although him having my camera makes me so nervous. Hes so smart. I know it. I can see it. But he does not learn the what not to touch and the no no's and the you can't do that things. He learns how a mixer works,he knows his body parts,he knows his name and his sisters. Hes smart. Maybe the lack of tv watching has hurt,not sure but I am not going to force him to sit there and watch tv. Both kids really like music so I feel like thats a good way for them to chill and have a little rock and roll fun!
I will figure this whole parent thing out its just harder for me to do everything 100% right. My hard ass mind gets in the way. My anxiety holds me back. My anger keeps me at bay sometimes. I will figure it all out and balance it to make it work. I have no other choice. Seeing my son so upset where hes holding his head and just yelling is not okay with me.
Ah those moments where your proud just need to over ride the bad. 
So with that said. Not much else is going on. House hunting is still going. Picture taking is still going. Its still winter in Vermont and I am a little over people complaining. Move then. Its cold its snowy occasionally icy..but thats new england weather. I get when its a GRRR factor when it comes to driving and kids getting outside or even snow days but it being cold and stuff just deal with it. Put a few more layers on. I don't like it hot so I do better in cold. Lived in Vermont for 23yrs...98% of the time I don't go to the store or to my moms or anything with a Jacket...if I am staying outside for awhile I will but otherwise nah its part of Vermont and I love it.


The weekend is among us and I am so excited. Tomorrow I have a few pick ups coming for my stuff I posted on freecycle. We have the Steelers game. Joes off.
Now only if I can get my kids to sleep ALL night...they are going back in time almost and acting like newborns or close to it. Little frustrating. Like tonight Joe might bring home Mcdonalds to start off his 3 days off but if the kids are awake with me he won't be able to dive right in with the food as they will see it and want it and I feel thats just not good for their bellies,habits or anything.
It really does not help my anxiety either. I hate being alone when I hear them crying,I always panic.
So my two goals are starting now. Figure out why the kids are not listening when it comes to the treating of the cats. (tail pulling,kitten holding,neck grabbing..) and to cut down on showing them when I am frustrated. Just keep a game face on.
Off to cook dinner. =) 
Tootles