itsjustagamecalledlife: That surviving thought

My mind has been buzzing about things...Things that I should let go of but can't.

A person can cry and it not be genuine.
A person can apologize and mean it.
2 very simple thoughts..but two thoughts that have not left my mind.

When you never let a person get close to you... When you always assume you know that person even when you two have no clue about each-other because each have had a wall up.... When you don't listen to whats being said because you don't like whats being said or your not listening because that wall is up....Whats the point of pretending?

I put on this ridiculous smile, I make compliments, I am there when I am suppose to be. I try and try if someone needs help, I might fail...but I tried..thats the most someone can ask. I keep my family in check, I never come empty handed...I am on time....I try to impress...I speak honesty... I am real. I am thankful. I am caring. I know family is very important. I never bring negativity...I always bring my best. I do things I hate to do. For what? To be let down time and time again?

My family means the world to me. To be angry over something that could have been worse is dumb. If they were in my head I like to think they would love and adore me. I sat for for an hr on the way home thinking about how I could help with the skills I do have. I cried over the fact that I was not believed when I spoke the truth,how I stepped up unlike a lot of other people and quickly got over something. I acted mature...I spoke with a heart...I spoke the truth,no one had to sit there and wonder what I was really thinking or feeling because I lay things flat out for people. The complex parts I leave out but no one could handle those thoughts.

One thing that stems from this all is the fact that no matter what you know you better then anyone. And if they don't want to take the time to get to know you then they most certainly can't judge you. If its not something you want to hear then there is no reason not to be thankful for the truth or the fact that someone tried but couldn't.

When you keep having those moments that should bring you closer and they never do... Your heart stops caring little by little. Your wall not only comes down but it goes down so far you forget these people are family and you start treating them like strangers.

I am no stranger. I am someone who has been here through thick and thin. I am no stranger. I am that one you can call at 1am. I am that one you can use as a shoulder to cry on. I am no stranger. I was born with the same genes. The same common denominator. I am no stranger. I place my hand on your back so you know I have gone no where, I make sure you never forget that I have talents,ideas,thoughts,suggestions,help to offer. I offer my talents to help you in some way. I am no stranger. I am not quiet, I am not small, I am not hilarious, I am not popular, I am not tall, I am not thin, I have a less then feminine voice, I am a advocate for animal and child abuse... I am no stranger. I may not be perfect, I may not fit your high expectations, I may not be that person that can heal your past, but am that person that never hurt you. I am no stranger. Our families may be miles apart, our families may be different ages, our families may do things differently but none the less we are family and nothing changes that. Not last names, Not distance, Not mistakes and most of all Not differences. I am no stranger. I don't judge, I listen with intent to learn and offer my thoughts. I smile to let you know its okay, I laugh to let you know "Let it go", I forgive to let you know my heart is solid, I try constantly to let you know I'm here. I am no stranger. My back has never been seen by your face...I am no stranger.

If you had been listening you would have known those moments are the ones you remember forever. If you had been watching you would have known other peoples thoughts were not mine. If you had been learning you would have figured out I follow no one but the beat of my own path. The beat of my own drummer that only exists in my head. I say these words out loud before I type them, I hear the down in my voice that no one else creates except you.

I have lost many over the years. Friends and family and even acquaintances that I never got to know as well as I would have liked. I have watched that clock tick by.. I have watched what happens when people put a middle person in and never hear what the other person at the other end thinks or really even said. They just count on the distance.

Distance. Its something between objects. That phone call you never made. That convo you never had. Those facts you heard from someone else. That compliment you might never get to say. That proudness you never get to show. Its time to cut that middle person out. Its time to memorize numbers. Its time to stop acting like we are kids.

I read books and imagine my life being like the people in it... I imagine those huge family get together. Those moments where everyone cars about nothing but that moment. Where no one cares what they get for christmas. No one cares what others make for an income. Where mood changes are common and accepted. Where no one hides things. Where people listen and be thankful.

When someone says "I don't like blank but since others like space - buy space" And you hunt for hrs looking for that blank because you feel like what they said was more of an insult then a sweet unselfish statement.... Then its time to reevaluate how you think and how you look at this world.
Those moments where you don't want to be alone and you feel alone against the world...when you feel like nothing you do is right... reevaluate the people who come and go in your life. Evaluate what people say and do for you. Cry a little. Yell a little. Throw something. Just don't always blame others. It could be others. It could be some others or everyone. It could be you. It could be something wrong. Something bothering you. Counseling might even be needed? It never hurts to wrack your brain and figure out what caused the anger and sadness.

I personally find myself angry at people who are no longer alive or even in my life. I can feel myself taking my anger out on others. I can sense my attitude. You can not go your whole life mopping around and trying to make things about you. You can't search for perfection when you are not even sure of yourself. You can't expect to get perfection if you do not fix the flaws.

I could go on about this depressing topic but what is said is said and when it clicks it will click. No amount of words or my time is going to make it click. I can just hope.

A few photos that mean a lot to me recently.

A few quotes as well.

"When others seem emotional, its not over reacting but something deeper... maybe even a good bye so never take those raw emotions for granted."