Monday, February 21, 2011

Thoughts into words

Its hard to get to really know anyone....I think its time for me to give up.
When someone writes something...Yet they do not follow what they wrote..it makes little sense to me.
Facebook is a lovely place but when you start to think every status is about you...You start to wonder what is allowed to be written and what is not...you realize people do not connect with you any better then they did before....It starts to become a bummer.
I have a stress level of 9,000...Friday we leave for New York to drop the kids off...I am not doing it...I swear if I do we have to meet in one place so one child does not see 3 of its family members leave him or her there...His dad gets Stefano and his mom has Zueda two diff locations. I hate the ride....my anxiety is beyond high.
I will worry none stop....
I got people who apparently think I am fake....Oh lovely. I am blunt and you wanna say I am fake. I'm gonna smack the silly outta someone I swear.
Another fact is that no family comes see any of us....How lovely. Family a distance away I understand but close by have no excuse and over the years I am slowly regretting giving my stuff away and other items to ungrateful people. I love my family and then I can't deal with my family. To have a mother tell you "No ones allowed back when they leave..." "everyone is sad when they become empty nesters but not me" it gets discouraging. I then confronted her and she said that she does not have the money or space...so if I was getting beaten she would still not take me and the kids in...funny though I know over 10 woman who have moved back home and their parents are not rich..they live in small space...but they gave up some space for their loved ones. They put their man caves or their living room into bedrooms for loved ones. Its what you do. And hopefully I can do that for my kids. If my daughter has trouble at all in a relationship she is allowed to move back as long as she is not doing anything illegal and such. And my grandkids will be the apple of my eye so if they are in danger or need a better environment then I will be there!!!!!!!!!!!
Stories of the past before I was even born just seem so real now...granted Joe and I are fine and I dont need to move home...I'm realizing how harsh my mom really is. Its fine to be selfish once your kids have moved on but do you really ever stop being a parent? No.
She is always telling me what I do wrong and what she did..and all I can think of is the horrible past and how dare her say what she did was better then what I do?????????
Love her to death and I hate writing posts like this but it hurts to see her in a bind when its 78% of her fault...Not that we don't all make mistakes. I will help out as much as possible. But lying and hiding things from her is becoming a common thing because if she thinks you spent your money wrong,or bought to much or bought something she wants she now gets mad,jealous,harsh and very opinionated.  She never comes over anymore. She really goes very few places in winter but she goes even less now. I am sorry I could not give her 2,000 dollars more then we had planned...I am sorry she is in a bind. I hate seeing anyone unhappy. But she even said even with the 500 she refused to put the money towards the back taxes which is $400 something she was going to put it on HER credit cards,remember mine are paid up I am just paying her back this way(she paid them up with a loan)I think she is just mad at us so shes taking it out on herself and dad in away by possibly losing their house in June when the auction is.
Love is a hard thing to stay silent about and its the same way with parents. You love them.You adore them and you cherish them but theres moments where you just want to scream in their face. Not in a teenage way but in a manner that might change things for the better,might open their eyes.... I might have said this before my dog that is still there because shes just to old to take out of her environment has a tape worm which makes her eat and eat well its making my mom have to buy her food more and more...common sense would be for a few bucks get medication so the dog can be comfortable and she can stop having to buy huge bags of dog food each week...nope...she rather just complain. Its sad. This is not the woman I knew about 3 yrs ago...or was it. I was a cutter....she never knew...I drank...she never knew...I failed in school(in a way) she never did anything about it...I had no desire to go to college because I knew there was no money to go....She is a fantastic mom but there was those spaces she lacked and I could have really used her in. For years we went to church where I was deathly afraid of a kid....I would hide under blankets...under chairs...cling to my parents, cover my ears, play sick so we could stay in the car,PRAY there was bad weather so we couldn't go to church....JUST to avoid this kid who was mean because of a mental disorder-And when I say mean..Im talking he tried choking me when I was young.....my parents knew this...they could see the fear...but no one did anything...they didn't keep me away from this kid...they didn't reassure me I was okay....they didn't do things to make me feel more protected and less scared... A start to my anxiety? Could be. Its life and it could have been A LOT worse. My heart aches for those who go through so much more.... I am not here to complain I am just opening the doors to a world I didn't realize I was in. Seeing a person who I thought was something and possibly was never that person....*sigh*
Material things are one thing but unconditional love and support is what I want....

So I am really getting into this new camera.
Getting into a healthier and skinnier me.
Bought a exercise bike,some dvds and Dance central for the xbox 360 with Kinect(Spelling?)
For my camera I have gotten a tripod,macro lens..the camera came with a bag so I am pretty set for awhile. Might buy a flash down the road.
Feels odd to not know everything about this camera. I can spit out everything about a point and shoot LIKE for people who are not good with them you can change your ISO on a point and shoot. You can change setting in under a second if you get to know your settings. You can do bokah with one,Ive done one,Ive done a macro MANY times with one...I captured sun flares,moving objects,night shots,moon shots....I am a proud mo fo right now lol.
Well heres a few shots.
Hope things turn around. I want my family oriented,loving,no anxiety(or minimal) fun life back. Here in this house its going pretty good if I could learn to trust...oy I suck with feelings and emotions....I get angry when I am upset..I run when I am devastated...I over react when I am mad...I forget to be happy. I forget to stop and enjoy those moments....



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