Where to begin

The problem with living my life...is you get excited and happy for things just to be let down. Joe had a three day weekend from work,Yippie! I had plans,no anxiety Thursday because I knew that he would be off for three days..I thought some Joe and I time...BUT no. The finances..then Joe not wanting to save money OR put the money we did have in my account to make it at least 0 so no fees. The electric gets shut off this week and I only owe 161!!! We were so close to paying it all up then BAM all the good went bad,when it rains it really frickin pours!!!! Last night was horrible. Joe took my money that I had to buy a cell phone which helps with my anxiety a lot when I am out or if its a storm and we lose power...to  buy cigarettes...Just crushed me how insensitive he became in 10mins....And he was the one who lost his pack he left them on top of his car and drove off...but yet again I get punished for his action. For the first time since having kids I had to put them down for a nap because I couldn't take/handle anymore,10am is nap time and I put them down at 9:40am I know its not a big difference but because of why I put them down I feel even more upset. I thought I could wake up today and start fresh...but then my mom asked me to go shopping and out to eat,she pay for things...perfect time to de stress have some fun,be spoiled by my mom...etc...and I had to turn her down because I'm literally depressed today...I also knew Joe was sleeping in and there was no waking him up or it would be another fight another heart breaking day for me. I really hate that I couldn't go. I hate that my husband took money for him because of HIS mistake...I hate that he never has to deal with consequences. I left the ciggs on his car so that means he has to wait till the next morning to COUNT HIS CHANGE not take money from me that was for something from someone..before getting ciggs...Just can't get over that....can't get over he was never taught to deal with the consequences of his accidents or mistakes or stupidity...Hes trying to be nice this morning but how can that make up for anything...how can that take back his words he spoke or the actions he did...or how I look at him or how I think of him. Hes no longer that guy I brag about or drool over....He's always had masculinity and knew how to use it-Example.Hard worker,finish's the jobs he starts,helps out when I need it,protective and well HOT! haha love his biceps...but now hes a little punk 14yr old his held on to his moms boob for too long and thinks he can get away with everything and that no one will suffer..or if they do its not his problem...since I found out about my account I haven't been okay....I have been just angry..pure anger. His mom taught him you mess up I'll bail you out...you make a mistake I'll cover your ass...you have an accident I'll take care of it....I didn't crush his ciggs in a fight I didn't throw them away...HE drove off with them and lost them...YET now I can't go and buy something I was really looking forward to buying. BECAUSE I didn't spend my money fast enough like Joe does...I lost it...I proved I can keep money and not spend it on anything but what its intended for and I get a slap in the face...a lot of people can't do that or won't do that....and he should have been proud and pushing for me to go get the phone...instead he used it to his advantage...How is that sexy? How am I suppose to love or indulge in someone like that? I can't. I don't see hot anymore I don't go places with him to show him off cuz I know the real him and its nothing to brag about.... If he got it together life would be grand. If he stopped being obsessed with things he should not be obsessed with...stopped messing up..STOP SPENDING MONEY WE DON'T HAVE! Theres no bail out money there's no Joe's ciggs money..HE even has the patch...No fighting just arguing. No running away. If we had it all together we would have everything we ever needed. Maybe not material wise but mentally and physically... I would have a guy back to lets use the words...fantasize,miss,love,indulge in,brag about,be turned on by(sorry if tmi)...Someone to impress me with his every breath...someone I can say I love you too....3yrs I only say it back to him I never just say it....ew. Marriage is a lot of womens dream I have it but I'm living a dream I don't want anything to do with and its not my dream...my dream is to have someone who understands that if you work as hard as you do (and Joe does)then be proud and show it...you can't show it by being broke....you can't show it by messing up credit,the future&all the work we already accomplished. Right now and I know he feels this way..right now its work work work for Joe but nothing to show for it. WELL DUH there would be if you'd stop friggin' messing up! In just a few weeks we were already what we call "on top of things" as much as we can be and that was fun because I had a surprise for Joe and putting money in his pocket that was for him and only him. Yay! Finally everyone was in a good mood blah blah and then this. And now there's no getting out of it but doing things Joe and I both don't want to do...sell his car...get involved in selling a car.....But money can't come fast enough... So we both are on edge...theres no closeness in this house at all...and trust me Joe and I can be that really icky couple who is cute and lovely and clingy lol and there's been none of that and I'm just at my wits end with putting being treated like shit and BOY would I like so kick his mother around for raising a menace then putting him into society with no life lessons!
All and all venting has helped...I just need to wait and see...everything happens for a reason..maybe some talking with Joe will  help...and maybe the beginning of September I can ask my mom to go shopping with me. Tomorrow is my parents anniversary. I believe its 27 or 28 years together. =)
Must change my mood. I can do this. I can help Joe be who he needs to be and can be,I've seen it.Wouldn't have married him if I didn't think he had amazing talents and amazing attributes about him. Marriage was never a big deal to me...so its not like I rushed it or anything because if I never got married I would have been fine with it. As it is Joe and do not have rings anymore (Got thrown out by a little kid named Stefano) so no one can really tell we are married anyway.
I just wish he had the role model who would knock some sense into him but ooo wee I deff don't want his mom talking to him she would tell him everything HE shouldn't be doing. Joe knows how I feel so he understand where I hide and he will prob read this lol. Please don't think I hide things,as angry as I am I'm not gonna hide or bottle things up from a guy I live with haha. We know my views on playing miss independent when I don't need too. =)
Off to see if I can make myself feel better...maybe if I change into a more "me" type outfit instead of an all black depressed outfit... =)