I could but wont

I could rant and rave once again about my life but I am so tired of it and so tired of Joe and his actions...I refuse to even think about it...although I am because I noticed his in-box on his phone is full and I have not been texting him....Hmmmm....
And on another note Mr handy man who is doing our windows is on the last nerve of about everyone's. Looks like hes "taken" things that are not his. Comes at odd hours,like yesterday Joe and I discussed him not coming until he gets home and today he showed up at 8:30am,The first time hes done that ever. He usually comes at about 2:15pm so its not too long before Joe gets home. You can't really even see any progress,it makes no sense. He dresses like hes going to go play golf not work on windows. Sadly our landlord is a penny pincher and these guys do just that...they piece and piece until the work is done but not done to perfection. And in the mean time they both (the worker and boss) bother me,They make me uncomfortable but in a way I want to just bolt out the door and knock em on their ass with punches. Not good. At first I thought he was okay but now with other peoples opinions in mind and how I feel....hes just someone I wish would hurry up get the job done and I never see again.

So I know I said I wouldn't go here but I do want to fill people in. Joe did most the talking last night when he returned from his loser "friends" house. Until I see his phone and stuff,I wont be ready to move on. Until I see effort on his part with attention and changing and more then 3 days without some time of nothing but progress. I know I shouldn't be giving him anymore chances but its really not a chance,its a commitment that I have to stand by until I know for sure its over. A commitment to,two kids. Its at the point that you know he loves me,you know he cares but with the stress of everything he can't change quickly,now last-nights fight was not anything to do with catching him misbehaving,it was me not trusting him and according to him,he couldn't take it. Now maybe he is really that weak,and can't stand me acting a way I never have before. I just can't trust a word out his mouth. So until I can,I will question everything. That's not usually me but in these circumstances,I want nothing but the truth and when after a month or so I get that,I will mellow back into my happy married life. If he can not handle that and has a mishap like last night then I know he don't really want to try or deal with what he did. He can't assume I'm gonna be happy and not question a damn thing,that's unrealistic. He needs to start living in the real world and listening to who he claims he loves(me).
So with that said we will find out what kinda truth his phone holds,and I'll do some more talking tonight too see how I feel. See if I can get some more truth out about how he feels when he does stuff and why he does stuff,maybe even find out if he thinks constantly about the next time he'll flirt or the next time he will look at porn. I wanna know the urges,how he thinks...Can't give up on 23 yr old who came from a messed up life,that much I know. Like right now we are sitting on 3wks since hes talked to his mom,he hasn't talked to his brother in,gosh Idk how long. His dad maybe a month or so. I get that. His background quite hard to listen too. His longest relationship was 3yrs,guess what we are coming up on...that's right 3yrs.
I know you all are yelling at your computers,trying to get me to see the light of day,but the way I was raised,the way I know minds tend to be,I know he might need more help. Simply,If I walked out that would be being just as bad as him. I must wait and follow gods signs and let things happen. He's done well the last few days,minus last-night because I was being hard core.
Trust me,I'm a smaller and less dramatic version of Lady gaga lol,I judge no one. How can I judge a guy who I chose? His mess ups have been hurtful,yes. But is there a chance hes just not matured yet? Yes. Have I done what hes done. Yes. Do I understand..I do and I don't and until I can close the chapter and understand fully,I'm not gonna slam the door in Joes face. Two wrongs do not make a right. Just because I think one way does not mean everyone else does. I learned that a long time ago. You sometimes need to step back and let people be themselves and sometimes you need to step in and make sure they don't ruin a beautiful thing,or they change for the better. I will never try to persuade someone to my side,I will never judge a person on religion,I will never judge on sexual preference,I will stand with my opinion and thoughts but never down grade you as a person for yours. Maybe if you think slavery or child trafficking is none existent or not a big deal...then maybe we will butt heads,but on the regular every day things,I'm a person you can count on.

My mom will be stopping by to kinda help the hostile mood that is in this house right now with the handy man and seeing Joes phone and stuff. She won't be here long as she caught our cold.

Deep breaths and positive thoughts. I don't want Joe to screw up,I want those texts to be from tracfone,Jerry(his stupid friend) or myself. I don't want to be angry or sad. I want to feel accomplished. I want to feel happy. I want to feel successful. And so many more things.

Thats it for now!
Tootles