Feelings

You know when you feel something but your not sure your 100% okay with that particular feeling?..

Thats me today. My sister and mother ganged up on me,online today. My aunt from Cali,my sister(Marya) and my mom(and of course me) was suppose to go to the mall today. Well I had Joe call my mom last-night to explain I don't feel well and my anxiety is really high. THERE WAS NO OTHER REASON for me not going. My lovely mother who usually adore,told my sister that I was sick(which was not a lie) and I didn't want to go because I was(am) broke. I know she told her that because of her status this morning stating that even though she was sick and broke but still going no matter what. Kinda like saying I was being a wimp. SHE never asked me if that was really the reasons for me not going,no one tried to convince me to go,not that I wanted them too its just...(Deep breath)..Little background my sister refused to come to thanksgiving last year for obnoxious reasons and I sat there and sent like 4 emails trying to convince her she was wanted. Instead according to Joe my mom said "I told her aunt she would bail" I WAS not bailing!!! She does this too me she puts me down but never my sister. FOR years my sister has done hurtful things out of jealousy and acts ways. 2 summers ago she didn't invite me to a summer FAMILY -BBQ but did my mom say anything to her? Nope.Well that's fine I understand a mom needs to stand on middle ground. Then I find out my status's that really reach out to people and I  need them to reach back was upsetting..that's right upsetting my sister,well before my mom continued with what was said I thought "okay shes upset seeing me upset" NOPE she was upset because I kept saying "I need my family" and she somehow twisted that around to mean that shes not family...NO you dumb wench that means I need you to check on me,and maybe send a message once in awhile to your ONLY sister. Ugh!!! Frankly what I really meant in those statuses was my online family that is always there for me. But no everything comes back to her. So my moms status this morning on face book where all can see- ..."Just wish family members didn't disappoint you so much" THANKS! Feel the love. So I know the three of them are gossiping about me. Now just the other day she got really upset in the car as she felt it was her fault I have anxiety.........Lets think about that. Not all..but many who do not have anxiety don't understand it or compassionate towards it. Sorry if that's not the right placing for the words,I love English  but when you feel really disrespected its hard to concentrate. I love my family. But.Right now. I don't feel loved back. My sister always gets mad before she talks to me. Actually. She never talks to me.Or asks me whats up. This behavior sadly has ruined relationships with her and my kids and myself and her kids.Really downright sucks. I love family. I love big get together.Sadly that's not my family. As I type this I just found out my Aunt wrote on my moms status saying shes "mean and nasty". Obviously I am not overreacting about anyone or anything,there's another person upset with my family. I know we all have family problems but why are mine over little stupid behaviors,stupid attitudes,miss-communication,lack of involvement and petty problems. Lets re cap here...My sister has a job,three amazing kids,LOTS of friends,time to herself,beautiful house,a vehicle,cell phone for her two oldest and herself....the list goes on...I have no house(just a rented apartment.),no vehicle(my truck is used by Joe right now) 2 awesome kids don't get me wrong but one is very shy and not talking yet...,no income and a relationship I'm trying to work on. I'm okay with that,I have NEVER EVER felt jealousy for anyone. That's why people can tell me what ever. They can tell me their income,their amount on food stamps,their ideas of buying a new car...what ever. That's awesome its called being happy for them. I actually don't know the direct feeling of jealousy. Never want too.

*sigh* I want to be in love with my family. Not mad at them. No upset by them.

Life must go on.

Just wish things were different.

<3