Miserable

No trust
No feelings
Heart broken
Hurt
Tired
3 yrs and waiting
Nothing has changed
Words are not strong enough
to express my hurt
I feel like a fool
I feel ugly
I feel emotion
Like never before
Not sure we will ever be
Us again
Nothing feels the same way


Bad bad day. Once again Joe messed up,only this time pushing it too far. He made a profile on this porn type site only its a little more real and personal then regular porn. For 3yrs every 2mos or so he messes up in some way or another...We talked for 2hrs and at the end of it I still was not satisfied that leaving was out of the question. Just have to wait for when he comes home. No self control over his actions. If he hadn't gotten caught he would have done it for years. Guilt he does not feel. People hurt do not faze him. I literally melted down today...and I don't think he fully understood. I never let my feelings get in the way and when I found what he had been doing and how he checks it every morning like someone who shoots up every day..I just  went down fast..old habit returned..Smoking. It was horrible. Today is still not okay because I just can't let this one go. Not sure if I should give him another chance. Why? So I can get hurt again? He does not understand what he does. He feels no remorse. He claims he has ideas that might help his issues...but 3yrs its taking him..I cant wait much longer.I DO NOT want my son doing the same thing one day to someone....my mind is just whirlwinding with thoughts and anger. Forgive...forgive something I can't forget?
Forgive something that hurt my self esteem? Something he would hate if I did??? He even put on there he was in a open relationship...well damn wish I knew that! *Screams* I shouldn't have to work this hard for attention. I shouldn't have to work this hard to love myself or someone else for that fact. Not only did his bday mean nothing but now our anniversary in October will just be all a joke and mean nothing.
I see it now. No i love you's online,intimacy lacking BAD,connection wasn't really there,no pictures of him and I,his time with the kids were kinda blah and almost extinct even though he worked all day. Lots of other signs. Just simply stupid. Online really works better then in real life? Making a profile knowing you were married..THEN when I knew something was up..lying about it?????? THEN lying when you got caught?? that's messed up! I hate you with every bone in my body as I sit here and write this. You were more upset you got caught then upset that you did something WRONG you did something to hurt another person. AND you never second guessed it,never doubted yourself and what you were doing or even feeling an ounce of guilt!
Trying to stop crying,trying to stop smoking,trying to calm down...its not even noon...yesterday was a good day just to be thrown down the shitter. The fact that he lied....no...I think I already figured out I can't do this...I can't wait and see what his next stunt is...
Kids are napping so I'm off to see if things will get my mind off of stuff.