Whole lotta...

I'm sick...the kids are sick..and guess who isn't dishing out sympathy....that's right Joe. I could not believe the way he acted last night towards the kids and I...I know he has issues but to get an attitude that I would classify as mean towards the kids...Pack ya shit hun -cuz you crossed the wrong line. I mean its hard for people to not notice him and I right now have a huge wall up at each-other BUT are trying to see if we can be that sappy cute couple we once were...I'm not good at developing feelings again and hes not good with keeping his word.Not a good combo. So back too last night I know what your thinking that I was asking him to do things when he had to go to work the next morning,No I asked him only twice to get Stefano for me,the rest I did. I put the vicks on,I was sick AND still caring for both the kids at the same time. No complaints from me because I know what its like to be sick and sick and little is horrible as they can't tell you exactly what is wrong so I had 0 attitude and was trying to make it all work with no support from Joe. I told him at around 10pm that they should have vicks and maybe they will sleep longer,did he offer to get it,(I had both kids in my lap) nope he litterelly cussed towards the kids and I and rolled over. You know how hard it is to not punch someone in the head...? Kept my cool,babied the kids like they should be,considering they were stuffy..I did that from 10pm to about 5am. Wouldn't change a thing accept for Joe...which makes me wonder..would I be happier single? Of course I would because I don't get attached to no one. I just told my mom I hate saying "I love you" too someone I would really like see get hit hard with Karma. He has making up too do,and hes showing no sign of doing that.He's showing no signs hes gonna change.His smoking,getting worse-Enough said. #$@#%#%#$%. I'll be damned if I let my aunt meet him. So He will not be meeting my family this week. End of discussion. 4 days I worked to restore at least a faith or a trust or even some character in our relationship to be greeted by an asshole on Tuesday. The joys of being an Arbore. Well I think most of it comes from his moms side...haha. So this afternoon we'll have a long talk again and see where it goes.I'm sick of people seeing us as just Joe and Raven instead of Aw Joe and Raven lol if that makes any sense. Sick of feeling angry all the time at one person.

ON top of this all today is 20yrs Keith has been gone. Hard day for all of us.20yrs is along time to grieve.Along time to be asking questions. Tossing blame here and there. Wondering if the family would be closer if he was here. Now don't get me wrong I love my sister to the sky and back but we are on two different planets and can't quite seem to push ourselves to be what sisters should be. Now but for a few little things she has done nothing to me that I can't put past us and not sure what I did. Might be something but I know it was intentional as I have bragged about her and her kids from the time I was 3 and could talk lol.(Granted she had no kids then) But a big brother...would Joe be in trouble if Keith was still here? Would he be there for his nieces and nephews.I'd like to think so.He knew what family meant no matter what happened. I miss him.Do I blame anyone? I do.Not anyone that I can get in their face and feel  better about it...so that does not help with closure. Its been said that when he died my Grandma got worse quicker. She either just found out she had Alzheimer's or found out after he died or something but she let go when he let go. There was a bond between them two that no one would ever realize till that day in 1990. I would have been 3 in October. Now Keith and my sister are/were only half siblings BUT if anyone was to make a comment about that,it was like white on rice in my eyes. And I hate when people say that about their siblings. "Oh hes only my half brother" or "Shes just a half sister" what ever it may be it pisses me off. Family is family. There's a member in Joes family that does that.Hurts a little bit to even hear stuff like that.
I'm better then I thought I would be...but today is hard knowing that Joe and I are going down hill and FAST. Bothers me that hes so selfish. I try so hard. I hold so much in. I do whats right 98% of the time.

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

LOVE that song.its been in my head for a few days now. There's so much we need to be okay,material wise and emotionally.Just not sure we will get there or even can get there. I hate being put first I hate seeing my kids sick I hate being away from my kids. But yesterday and last night in joys eyes I was in heaven being away and I should have been in more stronger with them during the night..even though I too could not breath,sleep,eat...etc. How do you love someone like that. I asked him the other day if he read my blog thinking he would too see how I felt about the day  he got caught there...nope...he won't look at my 365...When a few months ago he created one and posted some pics..He was more involved. now its like only Material things matter to him. He did good with the kids yesterday while I was gone but he took pics of the kids from the computer chair...that tells me he was on the computer more then he should have been and possibly doing things he should not have been doing. What goes on in these walls is about to explode.Sick of being nice to him in front of the neighbors because I gotta put a front on. Hate thinking he might be on the right track then BAM hes off again in 2mins time. How does a person not get it???How can he be happy with the way things are? Makes no sense? I'm over it. The feelings are not the same and I doubt I can get them back if hes not willing to put fourth. *Sigh*
Still feeling really icky,funny how a little cold can get the best of ya. The kids and I just don't get sick often so when we do we are down and out lol.
Write more later. Gonna tend to the kiddos and maybe make some tea. I must feel better by tomorrow!!!!!!!! Tonight my Aunt and Uncle come in from Cali!!
God Bless.